The Quest For The Evil Hair Products
by ArcBus
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin! The FF villains journey to find their stolen gel, frizzease, colour enhancer, mousse and wax, along with other evil characters who have been depleted of their haircare stuff! [Complete!]
1. The Quest Begins!

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_This is what happens when you take ANOTHER break from ANOTHER fic. Okay, I put it as an FF crossover, but there's many more, including: Grandia (I, II and possibly III), Beyblade (Because I hate it more than anything), Fruits Basket and many more! Well, no more summary. Just enjoy the crazy randomness!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or it's related characters. That is SquareSoft/Enix's. I do not own Grandia or it's related characters. I an II are owned by UbiSoft and/or Game Arts. III is owned by SquareSoft/Enix. I do not own that FOOLISH show Beyblade or it's related characters. That is owned by TV Tokyo. I do not own Fruits Basket or it's related characters. That is owned by FuNimation, or however you capitalise it. I do not own the Powerpuff Girls or the Narrator. That is owned by Cartoon Network, I think. ANYWAY! I do not own Mrs PacMan, either. I think Capcom or Namco or someone owns that. I dunno. I haven't played Mrs PacMan for ages..._

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"The city of Midgar." The Narrator from the Powerpuff Girls said, right before he screamed and died so the real narrator could come.

The city of Midgar. Actually, let's make it more interesting. The city of Midgarwood! Like Hollywood, but without the fame, fortune, glamour, glitter, red carpets, oscars, and stoned actors and actresses (and directors, for that matter). But, as Seymour Guado would say, 'That actors must play their parts'. But he isn't in this scene. Sephiroth is in this scene. Why Sephiroth, you ask? Well, he's the lead character for the story, and the most interesting, with the biggest fan base. But the size of the fan base is irrelevant. He is the lead character and the most interesting for some reasons...

**SEPHIROTH**

Aka. Seph, Sephy, Sephiroth-San, Sephy-San, Sephy-Kun, Sephiroth-Sama, Sephy-Sama (e.t.c).

Age: Unknown (If I were to take a random guess, I'd say anywhere between twenty-five and thirty)

Occupation: SOLDIER dude, evil guy

Height: TALLER THAN THE AUTHOR! You don't see that very often... WOO!

Weapon: Masamune (Final Fantasy for 'scary long Samurai sword')

To clear any area of crowds at any gathering, just breath into your lungs until they hurt, and yell as loud as you can, waving your arms about and looking like a complete maniac:

**ESTUANS INTERIUS**

**IRA VEHEMENTI**

**ESTUANS INTERIUS**

**IRA VEHEMENTI**

**SEPHIROTH!**

**SEPHIROTH!**

And, if your a guy, you can do this to get lots of cute fan girls to crowd around you!

Anyway, back on the actual subject of Sephiroth, did you know he has... Like... Problems...? YES! I used to think Sephiroth was the coolest villian EVER! He was so cool, he couldn't even be classed as a villian with lowlifes such as Baal and Kefka and Ultimecia and Adel (or whoever the hell the evil crazy sourceress was)! He even KILLED Aeris! Nothing against Aeris, I very much like her as an FF character. He just... WENT TO THE EXTREME OF KILLING HER! And what he never realised was if FFVII and FFX were to switch characters and plots around, he would have to marry her! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (And this is coming from an AeriSeph fan!) So, he was the best...

...Until my friend came around to my house.

I doubt my friend would like me stating her name, so let's just call her Mrs PacMan. I know she's NOT Mrs PacMan, and NOTHING LIKE Mrs PacMan but I can still use the name! ARGH!

Anyway, me and Mrs PacMan decided to play on Final Fantasy VII! YAY! Well, I wanted to... None of my friends like Final Fantasy at all... I'm so lonely! (sob) So, like, we got to this point where Seph appeared. And Mrs PacMan was all 'Who the hell's that with the grey hair?', to which I replied 'That's Sephiroth, and his hair is silver, NOT grey', to which she just mumbled and shut up for a while to. But then - TTTHHHHEEEENNNNN! She blurted out with 'You know, instead of saying 'I will take over the Planet' and stuff like that, what if he suddenly said 'OH! MY GOD! THIS HAMSTER IS AMAZING!' And yes, Mrs PacMan meant it like **_THAT_**.

For a while, I was too disturbed to play FFVII. Luckily, I had already completed it in record time - THREE DAYS! But, I couldn't play it again. For a second time. Because I was DISTURBED by the HAMSTER thing! Gradually, I could play it again, and I got of the disturbance of Seph, but to this day, I am disturbed by hamsters. I can't watch Hamtaro (not like it's even ON anymore, anyway), and in my German textbook for school there are some hamsters illustrating the words for on, under, over (e.t.c) auf Deutch. Needless to say, the words AND the fact that hamsters were illustrating it was quite inappropriate, just a few days after Mrs PacMan's visit.

So, Sephy doesn't actually have any in-game problems... Wait... Well, he IS obsessed with his Mother. Jenova, that is. NOT Lucrecia. I don't even think he ever sat down and thought logically about who his Mother was. Lucrecia was alive, wasn't she? She was partially... She lived in that cave... HA! Imagine if he came across that cave, though... Well, logically he wouln't be able to unless he had a submarine... BUT HE'S SEPHIROTH! He can do ANYTHING (within reason)!

Anyhoo, I'll bet you're wondering why Midgarwood was introduced. Well, I'll tell you. Midgar had been moved to the mountain, which was a few strides on the OverWorld Map North, I think, of Midgar's original site. I have no idea WHY they moved it... Shinra probably ran out of Mako energy there, and thought there might be more it the mountains. WHATEVER! The logic of Final Fantasy VII confuses me slightly. Anyway, the big chunky lettering was on the mountain! YAY! MIDGARWOOD! WOOO! But, apart from that, it was still... Midgar... It still had the top plate, and the slums, and Shinra... By the way, just incase you were wondering, the original Midgar was just a load of moss-covered rubble now, like they showed in 500 years later. Except 500 years later, Midgarwood was on the mountain still! WOO! Unfortunatly, Red XIII was the only character who lived that long. But that's irrelevant.

Well, back to Sephiroth, he didn't actually LIVE in Midgarwood. No... Because then the Shinra, and Cloud and his team, would be onto him, and probably try to kill him again for being such an uptight Momma's Boy who killed Aeris and cost the corps MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS OF GIL in damage repairs! ARGH! How annoying for him. So, he bought a house in Kalm. But what he DIDN'T realise was that Kalm was the main center of activity for DIRGE OF CERBERUS! NNNNOOOOOO! And Dirge of Cerberus meant that an underground section of SOLDIER would come, and so would (dun-dun-dddduuuunnnn!) VINCENT! AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH! And he didn't want that, so he just moved to where NO ONE would EVER find him! He bought the Villa in Costa del Sol! GET IT? He bought a Villa in, because he's a VILLA-IN! A VILLAIN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! Actually, no... It was just a coincidence.

Here, he spent countless days reading newspapers... Newspapers that just came to the door randomly. And drinking milk. Milk that just came to the door randomly. I think the Shinra pay for the newspapers and milk, because it was owned by President Shinra... Never got past to Rufus in his will though... Oh, how AWFUL! Cloud tried to buy it, but realised it was too much Gil for that point of the game. It was pointless anyway, seeing as Cloud was on a journey, and the Inn was right next door! And even CLOUD was INTELLIGENT enough to realise THAT! Unless of course Cloud DID buy the Villa, and he's paying for the bills whilst Seph just lives in it... Secretly... It's not like Cloud uses it anyway, he's in Midgarwood!

In Midgarwood, all the playable FFVII characters, apart from Aeris, who is dead, and Sephiroth who is in Costa del Sol (duh!), and also wasn't ACTUALLY playable, were having a Karaoke contest in the 7th Heaven number 3! YAY! The first 7th Heaven was crushed near the start of the game, the second left in Midgar, so this one is the third! YAY! Cloud, seeing as he is the main character of FFVII, went up first. Of course, he's probably the worst singer... Actually, no, he's probably the best... No, the best of the guys behind Vincent. Yup. That'll do. But that didn't mean he could SING in TUNE!

_"IF ONLY TTTEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSS COULD BRING YOU BBAAAAAACCCCKKKKKK TO MMMMMMEEEEEEEE!" _He sang to the Pokémon soundtrack. It was If Only Tears Could Bring You Back by Midnight Sons. Which was on the Pokémon soundtrack. The first movie sountrack, that was. He was singing about Aeris! HOW CUTE! _"IF ONLY LLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEE COULD FFFFFFFFIIIIIIINNNNNDDDDD A WWWWAAAYYYYY!"_

Everyone's ears were plugged, and the microphone was squeaking as microphones do when you turn them on and you accidently step on the wire. But Cloud was probably doing it on purpose, because he thought it was cool and he's Cloud... like that... Well, this is what THOSE characters are doing. Seeing as Sephiroth is our MAIN point of FOCUS, let's just GO BACK to the COSTA DEL SOL!

**CHAPTER ONE - THE QUEST BEGINS!**

It was a lovely morning, and there is NO time change between Midgarwood and Costa del Sol, which means Cloud and his friends WERE having a Karaoke contest at 10am. But do they care? No. They do not. Anyway, Sephiroth had just got up... Wwwwhhhheeeennnnnn... THE PHONE RANG! And it was an annoyingly loud phone. And Seph was still half asleep. He had considered changing it, but he didn't even know if he was the real owner of the Villa or not, so he didn't change anything.

"WHAT?" He yelled down the phone after snatching it from the wall. "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Mr Sephiroth, sir! I've finally found you!" It was the annoying TV show guy that always ALWAYS (did I fail to mention?) finds where Seph is! NOO!

"IT'S YOU AGAIN! I TOLD YOU - I AM NOT GOING ON YOUR STUPID SHOW! NEVER, NO WAY, NOT IN A MILLION YEARS! NOT EVEN IF HELL FREEZES OVER!" Seph just shouted, and then he broke the phone. Why? I dunno. He likes to break stuff.

About thirty seconds later... HIS CELL PHONE RANG! And it had an annoyingly... ANNOYING ringtone! He had considered changing it, but poor Sephy-San was too illogical to change it... It's not like he's the most intelligent Final Fantasy bad guy.

"WHAT?" He yelled, answering, thinking it was the TV guy. But, little did he know, the poor TV guy had just been fired twenty seconds ago, and would never EVER be calling Seph again!

"I know you're alone..." A sinister voice said.

"Yeah, so?" Sephiroth just said. I don't think he's ever seen The Ring or anything like that.

"Uhh... Well..." The sinister voice said uneasily.

Then there was a silence, and without thinking that the sinister voice personage was trying to think of something sinister to say, Seph just turned his cell phone off. He knew how to do that, at least. And that way NO ONE could ring him!

But then, the main phone was broken! GASP! He didn't know he broke it! GASP! And Sephiroth was now COMPLETLY UNABLE to call a repair guy! GASP! Actually, he could have used the pay phone RIGHT outside the Villa, but he didn't have any spare Gil (if he did, he wouldn't be living off milk and newspapers, would he? The only reason he CAN survive from milk and newspapers is because, well... HE'S SEPHIROTH! And he can do ANYTHING...within reason! He could have also used his cell phone, but the off-peak tariff at that time in the morning was ABSOLUTLY THROUGH THE ROOF! AAAAAGGGHHHH! Plus, the sinister voice could have called him. And he didn't want that, because even though he's pretty illogical, it's not like he's STUPID. And we all know that Seph doesn't like being bothered without a good reason.

There was ONE way he could call for a repair personage get the phone fixed...

...THE INTERNET! YAY!

There was a computer in the basement! YAY! And even though he's illogical, Sephiroth KNOWS how to use a COMPUTER! Computers are useful things, aren't they? If I didn't have one, I wouldn't be writing this lovely story! YAY! Anyway, he sat down and went on the internet. And even though he's illogical, Sephiroth KNOWS how to use the INTERNET!

Umm... The problem was he was too illogical to know where to look for phone repair people. Confused, Seph just scoured the wonderfulness that is Yahoo Broadband! YAY!

Which was when he came to the News page! YAY! Even though he reads newspapers... It's not like he pays attention to them... Why? HE'S TOO ILLOGICAL! He often reads them upside down. I'd hate to know what would happen if he had to use a map! So, News! YAY! News he could FINALLY understand! But it's not like he thanked the One Winged Angels that there was finally NEWS he could UNDERSTAND, because One - He's Sephiroth... THINK ABOUT IT! Two - He IS the One Winged Angel, and Three - In addition to Two, Cloud is pretty much the only other One Winged Angel (and that was in Kingdom Hearts), and Seph would NEVER thank Cloud for ANYTHING except being a total LOSER and making him look like the greatest FF Villain EVER! EEEEVVVVEEERRR! So, if this story is going to progress, he read through the News page... Which was just the WONDERFULNESS of SHINRA and the DISAPPEARANCE of METEOR which was CAUSED BY SHINRA! Of course, Seph had ALWAYS though that Shinra had talked outta their ass. OF COURSE THEY DID! A few years ago they stated Sephiroth as DEAD! What a bunch of L-O-S-E-R-S!

But then, THHHEEEENNNN! He came to a HORRIBLE story! A SHOCKINGLY HORRIBLE story! An AWFUL, TWISTED, IMPOSSIBLY SHOCKINGLY HORRIBLE story! And you could go on with adjectives for another ten lines, BUT I'M NOT GOING TO! It was bad, okay?

The headline read: **ALL STOCKS EVIL BRAND OF HAIR PRODUCTS STOLEN!**

(Midgarwood style Dun-dun-DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!) ALL STOCK OF THE **EVIL **BRAND OF HAIR PRODUCTS THAT **AAAALLLLL **VILLIANS USE WERE STOLEN! AND THEN THE FACTORY EXPLODED! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why did the factory explode? Because whoever STOLE the stocks wanted to make the factory go KA-BOOM so that they couldn't make ANY MORE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Why did Sephiroth care? Well, let me tell you now.

You may or may not have noticed Sephiroth's CRAZY BANGS! What are the crazy bangs, you who do not know ask? Well, they're the CRAZY BANGS! I can't really describe them any further. Yes, Seph's hair is long, we all know that, but THE CRAZY BANGS are just... COOLER than the fact that his HAIR is LONG! But... BUT! They're only THAT way because he uses EVIL HAIR-GEL! How else? It's not like that's how his hair was when he was a kid... He probably bought hair-gel when he was fourteen or fifteen or some random teenage age and gelled parts of his fringe to make CRAZY BANGS! YYAAAYYY! Then all the girls at school began to like him, and then all the guys began to hate him because all the girls liked him. And all the teachers who had found his hair UNACCEPTABLE to BEGIN with and would never BELIEVE that SILVER was a NATURAL colour EXPELLED him! But that's okay. He couldn't be expelled. He had too many connections with Shinra. So he went back. And then all the guys that pissed him off because all the girls liked him ALL ended up hospitalised because... Well... THEY PISSED SEPHIROTH OFF! You're lucky to survive if you do that! Even if he WAS too young at that point to own the Masamune, or any sword for that matter. It makes me wonder why Auron trusted Tidus with Jecht's sword at the beginning of FFX. OH WELL! So, even after fights he couldn't be expelled. It was what Shinra wanted, and Shinra owns everything, so there! But then, THEN, the evil hair-gel began to take root! It wasn't until another five or six or whatever years of using it that it actually turned him evil and caused him to burn down Nibelheim, but STILL. That is the origin of the CRAZY BANGS!

And without the crazy bangs, Sephiroth is NOTHING. NNNOOOTTTTHHHHIIIINNNNNGGGGG! not even the LENGTH of his hair could go against the crazy bangs. The crazy bangs are just... COOL! And they ARE the part that requires EVIL HAIR-GEL, so they're the actual EVIL part! NNNOOOOOOOOO! IT'S A DISASTER! And to make things worse... HE HAD RUN OUT OF IT! NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! But it was alright, at that point anyway... His hair could hold for another three more days...

BUT IT WAS STILL BAD BECAUSE THE EVIL HAIR-GEL WAS STOLEN AND THE FACTORY HAD GONE KA-BOOM! AAAAAAAHHHHHH! And don't think Seph wasn't PANICKING! Actually, no... No, he wasn't. Why? Because he's SEPHIROTH! And he DOESN'T panick! And even though he's ILLOGICAL, he just tried to think of a way to get around it...

...And then... HE HAD A GREAT IDEA! He could go kick whoever's ass stole the hair stuff, and CLAIM the EVIL HAIR-GEL! Except... He didn't know who stole it...

...So, he sat and thought for twenty minutes...

...And then... HE HAD ANOTHER GREAT IDEA! He would find someone who MIGHT have stolen it! Except... He didn't know who MIGHT have stolen it...

...So, he thought for another ten minutes...

...Who is evil enough to steal ALL the evil hair products AND cause the factory to explode? Why, someone who is evil and doesn't USE hair products! Except... He didn't know of anyone like that...

...So, he thought for another five minutes...

...And then, Seph came to a conclusion... There was ONE person he knew of... And that was...

...KEFKA! Dun-dun-duunn!

And so, Sephiroth decided to go to the world of FFVI, to confront Kefka about the evil hair products...

**BASS IT!**

(Okay. That's chapter one... Phew! This will take a while, huh? I hope you're enjoying it so far... Well, see ya in the next chapter! By the way, Bass It indicates the end of a chapter, just so you know...)


	2. Clowns And Clones

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_Exactly what it says on the tin._

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or its related characters. They are owned by Square. I do not own Kenco. I think that is a coffee made by Nescafé. I do not own McDonald's or it's related characters. They are all owned by the McDonald's Corporation (whoa! GREASY FOOD!)._

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**CHAPTER TWO - CLOWNS AND CLONES**

After Sephiroth had thought ling and hard for thirty-five minutes, he decided to go confront Kefka in the FFVI world. I never played FFVI, I just know there's a weird villain in it called Kefka.

Anyway, Kefka was in his weird-ass castle, filled with lots of traps and minio-- Oh, OH! Villain profile! Profiles just intorduce characters, just so you know.

**KEFKA**

Aka. Kefka the Klown, Kef, Keffie, Kenco Kefka, Kefka Express (and a wide range of other coffee-related joke names)

Age: I dunno. And don't ask for an estimate.

Occupation: Evil clown, Make-up Tester

Height: Short. Irrelevant.

Weapon: I DON'T KNOW! I NEVER PLAYED FFVI! Magic, probably.

Unfortunatly, Kefka doesn't get nine or ten paragraphs about himself, unlike Sephiroth. Why? Because I never played FFVI, so I wouldn't know what to put. Okay. He wears too much make-up, so I've heard, and he looks like a clown. And I've seen some images (scar-y!), so I know what I'm doing with him in the story. JUST DON'T BOTHER ME! HE'S IN IT AT LEAST, OKAY? I COULD HAVE LEFT HIM OUT! But that wouldn't have been much fun, would it?

What was I saying before? Oh, yeah.

Kefka was in his weird-ass castle, filled with lots of traps and minions. He was in his chamber, or whatever, with creepy music and a scary storm outside. He was writing a letter on an old typewriter... No, he's NOT as technologically advanced as Sephiroth... But he's more logical, I'll give him that. Who was he writing to, you ask? THE EDITOR! He was writing a letter to the editor. And he was speaking outloud what he was writing. Just as you do.

"When I read your magazine, I do NOT see any REAL make-up! Real make-up is lots of compressed white powder! And then lots of red lipstick, eyeliner and eyeshadow!" He yelled manically at the typewriter, tapping away. "To the idiots at Cosmopolitan Magazine, yours INSINCERELY - Kefka the Klown!"

Then, he pulled the crazy paper out of the typewriter, put it in an envelope, adressed the envelope, sealed it, then sent it down a chute in the wall. Let's just presume that chute is his mail, and hopefully not his laundry... Otherwise, maybe he should opt for another chute. Anyway, just as Kefka walked back to his desk, THE INTERCOM BUZZED! WOO-HOO! Because rarely do people come visit poor Keffie.

"Yyyyyeeeeesssssssss?" Kefka asked cheerfully, pressing the button on the intercom to speak.

"KEFKA! YOU IDIOT!" Sephiroth yelled down the other end, which was outside (in the freezing cold and the rain and the thunder and the lighting... And the wind, for that matter).

"OH! SEPHIROTH! I didn't expect it to be you! What seems to be the problem?" Kefka asked.

"YOU'RE THE PROBLEM!" Seph excalimed.

"Am I?" Kef sighed, wondering if Sephiroth was the editor of Cosmopolitan. "If it's about the letter, I didn't know it was you!"

Anyway, there was a pause, and what Kef DIDN'T realise was that there was a teleport pad right outside the gates of his manison that teleported right into his chamber! He thought it would be useful incase he ever locked himself out, but he didn't EVER consider the SECURITY consequences! Well, obviously he realised that there was a teleport pad there, but he never even THOUGHT that our dear illogical Sephy would know how to use it. So, now, Sephiroth was pretty much in the room, soaking wet from the storm (but it's okay. The evil hair-gel holds through rain, otherwise villains wouldn't get very far in their element, would they?).

"BBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kefka yelled in shock, jumping back after seeing Seph appear... RANDOMLY! "I'M SO SORRY!"

"You...!" Seph snarled angrily, pointing the Masamune in Kefka's direction.

"I-I-I DIDN'T MEAN IT! SEPHIROTH! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE THE IDIOT AT COSMOPOLITAN MAGAZINE!" Kefka cried, backing off into a corner.

"What?" Sephiroth looked confused. "What do you mean? I'm just here because you stole all the evil hair products..."

"What?" Kefka also looked confused. "What do YOU mean? I didn't steal them! I was about to write a letter to the idiot who did!"

"Really?" Seph asked, scratching the back of his neck. "Oh... Sorry... Wait! If you DIDN'T, then who DID?"

"I don't know!" Kef sighed, looking upset and he caused the creepy music to turn into a tragic piece, as he did an angsty Midgarwood style scene. "The fool! THE FOOL WHO STOLE THE HAIR PRODUCTS AND BLEW UP THE FACTORY TOOK MY EVIL FRIZZ-EASE WITH THEM!"

It seemed the robbery had affected poor Keffie, too. As he ended the angsty scene, he cleared his throat.

"Anyway..." Kef said. "Are you on a mission to find the theif?"

"Yup." Sephiroth said.

"Then I shall come too!" Kefka said proudly, swishing his cape around. "AND I WILL LEAD US TO ETERNAL GLORY!"

Seph just stared at Kefka as he began to laugh like the complete and utter maniac he is.

"Umm... You can come, but I better lead for safety..." Sephiroth said. He may have liked to be alone on his journeys, but he had no idea where the theif was, and Kef might be a useful... Map reader!

"Okay!" Kefka grinned, rubbing his hands together. "For... SAFETY!"

Then the krazy klown just laughed manically... Again... I like spelling with Ks instead of Cs... Seph didn't care, because... He's Sephiroth... Like that... He's very illogical!

Suddenly, there was a flash of thunder, and everything went white! And then - TTTTTTHHHEEEENNNN! They were on some random rolling hills somewhere. I think Kefka's teleport pad broke due to being used in the rain. But it's not like THOSE TWO could figure that out!

"Where the hell are we?" Seph asked, sounding strangely CALM about it. He wasn't ACTUALLY calm, he was just being ILLOGICAL like Sephiroth IS.

"I have no idea." Kefka replied, falling on his ass and grabbing the typewriter he swiped before the bright light came and wiped them off to the rolling hills. "I'm writing a letter to the Author."

But Kef then realised GGGGGGAAASSSSSPPPPP! HE HAD NO PAPER! OH NO! So, he put the typewriter back to wherever he stores stuff in his weird outfit, and sulked. "Hmmmpppphhh..."

Sephiroth, not actually being very illogical at this moment, waved the Masamune in the direction of a nice looking city. Well, it was nicer than Midgar... He didn't know if it was nicer than Midgarwood or not. Midgarwood was pretty much the BEST location on the Planet now... ANYWAY!

"Well, since we need somewhere to start, let's start there." Seph suggested.

"And I can get some paper?" Kefka's eyes lit up.

"...Fine..." Sephiroth said reluctantly.

And so, the two evil guys headed off in the direction of the city. Across the rolling hills. Sephiroth was too illogical to realised that he was travelling with a scary weird-ass clown, by the way. As soon as they got into the city, people began to stare at them. Well, they were staring at Kefka, anyway. Not like either of them cared, seeing as poor Sephy is too illogical, and poor Keffie is used to all the 'attention'. They had only taken a few steps into the city when they suddenly stopped. GASP!

"This isn't going to work." Sephiroth said, shaking his head. "We need to spilt up and ask around."

He was being LOGICAL! HURRAH! Even though Seph IS illogical, it's not like he's completely thick.

"Good idea!" Kefka agreed. "And I will find some paper!"

Then thunder and lightning crashed randomly in the background and Kefka began to laugh manically. Sephiroth didn't really do or say anything... Because... He's Sephiroth like that...

"We'll rendez-vous at the Stationary shop over there!" Kef cried in pride (hey, I'm a poet and I don't know it!), pointing to a Stationary shop that happened to be there. "Okay? GOOD!"

Then he just ran off. What Kefka didn't know was that the Stationary shop sold paper! AND THE EXACT KIND HE NEEDED! ARGH! Unless he DID know, and he just thought that Stationary shops were hilariously overpriced. Anyway, Seph just shrugged. He didn't know what rende-vous meant, even though he was in SOLDIER and SOLDIER rendez-voused PLENTY of times! Why didn't he know? Because he's illogical like that. So, he just walked off into the chemist's. Little did he know that the chemist's was the best place to start! YAY! Poor illogical Sephy... He doesn't realise his own magical intelligence.

Kefka ignored the many people who were staring at him... Actually, it wasn't just many. EVERY SINGLE PERSON WHO HE PASSED stared at him! Not like he cared, though. He was used to it. Even though he was supposed to be finding the thief who stole all the hair products, he was more bothered about the paper for his typewriter. As he walked along, he found that the people around him were getting fatter, and fatter, and fatter by the minute! They were staring at him for his weird clown looks, and he was staring at them for their huge waistlines! Suddenly, he stopped, pretty much psyched at the fat people.

"Oh where the hell am I?" He asked himself, looking around.

That was when he realised that his was in the horror that is THE McDONALD'S AREA! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But he didn't care. He just walked in to McDonald's. But to his surprise, (fat) children began to crowd around him.

"IT'S RONALD McDONALD!" They cried.

"What the?" Kefka yelled, trying to beat the kids back.

"He's not Ronald McDonald!" The REAL (or maybe just a guy in the outfit pretending to be) Ronald McDonald shouted, doing somersaults and flips and stuff. "I'M RONALD McDONALD!"

"YYYAAAYYY!" The kids cried and waddled off to greet Ronald McDonald.

"That's right kids!" Ronald chuckled, before turning nasty and pointing at Kefka with a horrible glare. "YOU! IMPOSTER! GUYS, LET'S GET HIM!"

And then the Burger Burglar and the McDonald's Monster came to back Ronald McDonald up. All the kids waddled back to their Super-Size Happy Meals.

"There's only room for ONE clown in THIS town!" Ronald yelled. "And it sure ain't YOU!"

Then he, the Burger Burglar and the McDonald's Monster rushed towards Kefka angrily. But, as we all know, Kef is a Final Fantasy villain (and he's also a klown, not a clown)... So he didn't flinch. He just cast Ultima on them. Ultima is the most kick-ass magic ever, and then all that was left of Ronald McDonald and his two McDonald's buddies were steaming corpses on the floor, which the janitor just came to clear up. Swishing his cape around him, Kefka continued up to the counter.

"Hell-o!" Said the dark-haired girl behind the counter who was wearing a McDonald's uniform and cap. "May I take your order?"

"Yes." Kefka said. "Yes you can..."

He looked at her name tag.

"...Dagger! Nice name, I like it!"

"Uh... Thanks?" Dagger said uneasily, not knowing how to take a compliment from a krazy klown like him. Actually, she was undercover, and wondered if he was onto her. But he wasn't. Which was good.

"Well, anyhoo, I would like some paper!" Kefka said.

Dagger just thought he wanted some napkins to take off his stupid make-up with. So she just... gave him some random napkins!

"Here you go!" She said.

"Um... No... I meant PAPER paper." Kefka said slowly, incase Dagger didn't understand.

"Oh..." Dagger said, then she THOUGHT she understood. "OOOooooohhhhhhhhh... Just a second!"

Then Dagger scuttled off to the back. Kef just... waited for her, stuffing the napkins into his pocket anyway, incase he could use them for something later.

Meanwhile, Sephiroth was snooping around the hair-care section of the chemist's, when he heard a little voice speaking to the cashier. By the way, there were only four people in the chemists - Seph, the little voice person, the cashier and a random other guy who was nervously scanning the place where the condoms were. Picking up the words 'EVIL' and 'HAIR', Seph dove behind a pyramid of disposable cameras infront of the till, so that he could spy on the person who was talking.

"E-Excuse me!" It was a little Black Mage who couldn't reach the counter and was waving his arms about for attention.

Finally, the cashier spotted him.

"Yes?" The cashier who had greasy blonde hair and a slight resemblance to a monkey, wearing a uniform that all chemists wear when they're behind the counter said. "OH! VIVI! What the hell're YOU doing here?"

"I-It's not Vivi!" The little Black Mage said. "I'm Black Mage clone number 463!"

"Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh..." The cashier said slowly. "So, whadda ya want?"

"I-I want some... Uhh... Evil hair enhancer... F-For Master Kuja..." The Black Mage said.

"KUJA?" The cashier yelled. "WHEN WILL HE QUIT? ARRRGHHH! Oh well, I'm not saving the world from that crap-hat again... Urgh... Doesn't he know the Evil hair products were all stolen and the factory exploded?"

"Oh... Oh well..." The Black Mage said, nervously walking off. "I-It's to the dungeon for me!"

By this time, Sephiroth was interested in this evil person called Kuja who the Black Mage had spoken of, so he walked out from behind the cameras and went up to the little guy.

"Hey. Black Mage." Seph tried for his attention.

The little clone looked up at Sephiroth, who was about twice his size.

"Uhh... Yes?" Asked the Black Mage.

"Who's Kuja?" Seph questioned.

"He's my evil Master. He wanted me to get his evil hair colour enhancer." The Black Mage explained. "He said if he doesn't have it, his natural purple will go grey-ish!"

The cashier (yes, it's Zidane! He works at the Chemist's! WHAT? He needed money! At least his job is better than Garnet-- Uh... Dagger's!) laughed. He was eavesdropping, but Sephiroth didn't care, because he's Sephiroth, and he is illogical.

"Take me to him." Seph said.

"Alright." The Black Mage agreed, and then he lead them him out of the Chemist's.

Anyway, at that point, Dagger had come back to Kefka, who had been waiting for five minutes, thinking '_This is supposed to be a FAST food place?'_ Even though he was looking for paper. Dagger was carrying as many... Uh... Rolls of toilet paper as she could carry. Then she dumped them all on the counter.

"Here you go!" Dagger said from behind the rolls. "Paper!"

"Uh, no... I didn't mean that either..." Kef said from the other side of the rolls.

"Well, we don't have any other types of paper here at McDonalds." Dagger explained.

"Are you sure?" Kefka challenged.

"Hmm..." Dagger thought for a moment (just so you know, a moment to Dagger is about two minutes). Then, she popped her head around the toilet rolls to look at him and finally spoke up again. "Well, there are some colouring sheets for kids..."

"Very well!" Kefka smirked, swishing his cape about. "I SHALL TAKE THE COLOURING SHEETS!"

"Okay then! Just a second!" Dagger said cheerfully and then scuttled off again to get the colouring sheets.

As Kef was waiting for her to come back again, Sephiroth had followed the little Black Mage all the way to a row of BIG mansions. They stopped outside a big... Uh... Purple one.

"Why is it purple?" Seph asked, like the ILLOGICAL dude he is.

"Master Kuja said it was supposed to be like Boco's Dream House... But better." The Black Mage explained. "Because Master Kuja said that he would kill all the chocobos in the world if it wasn't a BETTER purple than the purple Boco's Dream House."

Being illogical, Seph just shrugged, presuming that it was that way when Kuja bought it. He was actually more bothered about the fact that all the other evil guys had mansions, apart from him and the crappy little villa he probably DIDN'T own. The little Black Mage reached out to the conveniently place intercom at the gate. It buzzed.

"463!" A voice yelled. "IS THAT YOU?"

"Yes sir." The Black Mage said. "There is a man here who wants to see you, too."

"WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR ENHANCER?" The voice, obviously Kuja's, screamed.

"T-There wasn't any!" The Black Mage answered nervously.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Was the reply, and then there was the sound of glass breaking in the background.

After a while the screaming died down.

"So, who's the guy with you?" Kuja asked, sounding intrigued.

Sephiroth stepped forward to speak.

"Take a random guess." Seph said.

There was a pause.

"...(GASP!)" Kuja finally answered. "IS IT REALLY YOU?"

Without actually thinking it through, Sephiroth just confirmed the question. Poor illogical Sephy. One day you'll be in big trouble. And then Kuja gave an excited squeal, and the gates to the mansion opened up.

"COME IN! COME IN!" Kuja squealed with delight, along with the sounds of clapping.

Seph just shrugged like the easy-going... Sorry... ILLOGICAL! Guy he is. At least he got in to the mansion. Then he and 463 began to walk down the neatly placed crazy-paving toawrds the mansion. Our hero... no, villain... no, hero... WHATEVER! Our Seph unfortunatly had NO IDEA who Kuja thought he was... GGAAASPPP! CLIFFHANGER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!

**BASS IT!**

(Ooh... That was longer than the last one... Hahaha... Kefka and Sephiroth make such a crazy evil duo. And they're about to be a crazy evil trio with Kuja! HAHAHAHA! Cameos are still flocking in. Zidane and Dagger/Garnet were very easy to slide into this. Hahaha! Anyway, if you want to ask me any questions, feel free to. I like FAQs. I ESPECIALLY like ANSWERING in FAQs! YAY! So, yay! Leave a review... OR I'LL THROW CUTE LITTLE 463 IN THE DUNGEON! MWA HA HA HA!)


	3. Ron Day Vu?

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_Exactly what it says on the tin. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! HOW FITTING! YOU GET HAIR PRODUCTS IN TINS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or it's related characters. They are owned by Square. I do not own Mc Donald's. That is ALL owned by... Um... Mc Donald's. I SORT OF own Gavin and Gereldene. Gavin is based on someone I know called Gavin, who is obsessed with an invisble freind he had called Gereldene. Gavin is not my friend. He just owes me irrelevant phrases to put in this fic. I ALSO do NOT own LOST. That is owned by BAD ROBOT or something like that. _

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER THREE - RON-DAY-VU?**

Well, as our dear illogical Sephy was at the gates of Kuja's big purple mansion, that krazy Kefka was STILL in McDonald's. Luckily for him, though, Dagger had just scuttled back with lots of kiddy colouring sheets. IT WAS REAL PAPER! HURRAH! She hadn't yet cleared the toilet paper off the counter, by the way, and it had been sat there for longer than toilet paper SHOULD sit on a fast-food counter... Eww... And there were hungry fat people queuing up behind Kef. Why, the villain of FFVI could cost the leading lady of FFIX her job! What an UNLIKELY turn of events!

"There you go!" Dagger said, cheerfully dumping the large pile of colouring sheets onto the counter next to the toilet paper. "They're complimentary, so don't worry about ANY costs. No one uses them anyway."

"Thank you kindly, Miss Dagger." Kefka said, bowing and swishing his cape about, before claiming the pile of paper and stuffing it into his cape... Or wherever he put the typewriter. What Sephiroth didn't realise was that Kef could just be used as a storage unit, rather than a map reader. Then again, he has more luck reading a map than Sephiroth does ANY day. And, if you're wondering how Seph travelled AAAAAAALLLLLLLLL the way across the Planet to the North Cave without being able to read a map... Well... He's Sephiroth. He doesn't need a map. He just... I dunno. He was in SOLDIER! He knew his way around the OverWorld! By the way, Kefka's still speaking isn't he? "You shall not regret this!"

"Uhh... Okay then." Dagger said.

Then Kefka just ran out of McDonald's and headed back down to the Stationary shop. As he got closer and closer to the Stationary shop, the people (staring at him) were beginning to get thinner and thinner, until they were normal. Then Kef just started singing Rendez-vous by Basement Jaxx, because that is a fitting song. Except he couldn't sing. He was worse than Cloud! And you can't get much worse than Cloud! Actually, you can... I'll give Cloud a break...

"I GOT YOU IN MY HEART, I GOT YOU IN MY HEAD! YOUR MAGIC IT SURROOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUNDS MEE!" He sang at the top of his voice. Now MORE people than EVER were staring at him. "I GOT YOU IN MY HEART, I GOT YOU IN MY HEAD! LET'S MAKE A RENDEZ-VVVOOOUUUSSSS!"

Suddenly he - GASP! - stopped singing! Why? Well, Kefka had just realised that he and Sephiroth never decided on a TIME to rendez-vous! OH NO! He could have been waiting for that scary tall SOLDIER dude for AAAAAAGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS, but being MORE logical than Sephiroth, Kef decided to go into the chemist's, since that was where he saw Seph go before. Why, what a completly INTELLIGENT thing to do, Kefka! But what Kefka didn't realise was that poor Sephy was too ILLOGICAL to know what rendez-vous even meant. He just presumed he did... He never bothered to even ask him 'Do you know what rendez-vous means?'! ARGH! Well... Maybe it's because Sephiroth's an overrated villain. But Kefka thinks he's popular because he knows what he's doing... ARGH! Kefka's illogical too! Actually, no. No he's not. Why? Because he isn't. He just, like many MANY others, doesn't know that Seph is illogical... But still, Sephiroth's WWAAYY overrated. Everyone likes him. Why? He's not THAT great... Just because he doesn't have weird make-up or crossdress (Just imagine! HAHAHA!)... He's not even as evil as Kefka (or Kuja for that matter)! YES! I KNOW HE KILLED AERIS! But any other villain in that position would have! Everyone just thinks Sephiroth is AMAZING for ACTUALLY doing so! AERIS WAS TRYING TO STOP METEOR WITH HOLY! THAT WAS WHY HE KILLED HER - TO STOP HER FROM STOPPING METEOR! DDDDDDUUUUUUUHHHHHHH! ANY VILLAIN WOULD HAVE DONE THAT! But that doesn't mean I don't like Seph. Otherwise, I would have put something different down. I just think he's overrated for not... Really... Doing... Much... ANYWAY! Enough of my opinion. Let's get back to the story.

Whilst Kefka was strolling (with all eyes on him) up to the chemist's, Sephiroth and 463 were inside the gates of Kuja's manison. Lots of other little Black Mages like 463 were scurrying about, mowing the grass, pruning hedges to look like... Umm... Kuja, and sweeping the crazy paving free of dust or whatever it is that you get in summer... SAND! Anyway, Seph and 463 were stood on the steps outside the big lilac door of the mansion. Suddenly... THE BIG LILAC DOOR OPENED! HURRAY! AND STANDING THERE WAS...

...A guy who was about fourteen years of age, wearing a black sweater and black trousers, a white shirt under the sweater and a green tie (In other words, it was a school uniform). He had short black hair and a weird grin.

"HALLO!" He said cheerfully. "Master Kuja has been expecting you!"

Sephiroth (who had wondered for a second if he was Kuja) just shrugged again. 463 didn't doubt him, because he knew someone was coming to see Kuja and just presumed it was Seph because he asked where Kuja was... OH WELL! Anyway, the guy just ran off from the door laughing manically and went off into another room. 463 sighed and lead Sephiroth into the manison.

"Just ignore the maniac." He sighed, shutting the door. "Follow me to Master Kuja's room."

So, Seph followed 463 around the mansion and up some stairs and around the manison more and up more stairs, then down some stairs and up some more stairs and then around more. After about ten minutes, they FINALLY came to KUJA'S ROOM! YAY! 463 knocked on the door.

"COME IN! CCCCOOOOMMMMEEEE IIIINNNN!" Kuja yelled, excited.

463 then OPENED the door, and they walked in. The room was PURPLE and PINK and WHITE and GOLD! YAY! Well, the rest of the manison was exactly the same... But, OH WELL! Anyway, Kuja was sat at a desk, like the one Kefka has in his chamber... But except painted lilac... Because Kuja is more stylish than Kefka.

"WELCOME TO THE MANSION OF KUJA! YAY!" Kuja excalimed in a voice that sounded very feminine. He had a typewriter too, by the way. Except he wasn't using it. Nah, Kuja's too smooth to use a typewriter. He gets his flunkies to type for him. The only reason Kef doesn't is because his flunkies don't... Really... Have hands... Or are illiterate. Or maybe Kefka just likes to type letters randomly. I dunno. I'm guessing the latter, personally.

**KUJA**

Aka. Kuja the Crossdresser, Kujie (Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Ha!), Kuja-San, and I SWEAR EVEN Kuja-Chan! Oh God!

Age: 16? 17? Wasn't he like... The same age as Zidane?

Occupation: Evil Black Mage cloner, Crossdresser

Height: The same of a female his age.

Weapon: ...? Magic? I don't know... I forget stuff like this...

KUJA! YAY! My absolute FAVOURITE Final Fantasy character EVER! Even over AURON! And Auron is pretty kick-ass. First of all, I'm guessing he's the youngest FF villain (unless lil' Eiko's hiding something under that blue mop of hers! MWA HA HA HA! Evil Eiko! WOO! Alliteration! Just like Kefka the Krazy Klown! Tee-hee!), which is cool because he's also the most... Purple. I like purple, and I like Kuja because he wears purple! YAY! Second of all... HE CROSSDRESSES! You could call him... Kuja the Krossdresser, with MORE alliteration, but I already used that joke with Kefka, so... Anyway, CROSSDRESSING! WOW! He confuses people of his gender, and best of all, HE SUITS HIS CLOTHES! Now, you may be thinking that Kefka is also a crossdresser. True, but not to the extent of dear Kujie. Plus, Kef's make-up is ALOT worse than Kuja. Kuja looks good. Kefka doesn't. And Sephiroth... Well... Wouldn't suit crossdressing... You may (or may not, for that matter) have wanted me to put 'Seph suits Aeris's dress!' there. But no. I don't want to poke anymore fun at poor illogical Sephy anymore...

...Well, not until I continue with the story! Which isn't now... HA!

Did I mention Kuja's HAIR is PURPLE? Maybe I did... No, that was just him wearing purple... HE HAS PURPLE HAIR! Until he turned destructive and then it went red when he destroyed all those overgrown shittake mushrooms... Well, actually, if he doesn't use his evil hair enhancer! GASP! HIS HAIR GOES GREY! NOOO! I've seen images where his hair is grey. IT'S PURPLE, DAMMIT! Sort of a lilacish colour...

...Anyway, to summarise... I LIKE KUJA! HE IS THE BEST FINAL FANTASY CHARACTER, AND THE BEST VILLAIN, FOR THAT MATTER! Now, let's get on with the story.

"463!" Kuja said, looking at... Uh... 463. "WHERE IS MY COLOUR ENHANCER?"

"M-Master Kuja! I-I said on the gate t-that...!" 463 stuttered.

"NO EXCUSES!" It seemed Kuja had turned angry at 463, all of a sudden. He yelled, rising from his seat. "GAVIN! GGGEEETTT IIINNN HHHEEEERRREEE!"

Then the weird boy from before came skipping in.

"What is it Master?" Gavin asked, grinning... Strangely... "How may GAVIN be of SERVICE?"

"Take 463 to the DUNGEON!" Kuja yelled. "And whilst you're OUT OF MY SIGHT, you may as well get the MAIL, too!"

"Okie-chokie!" Gavin beamed, suddenly getting out a wooden spoon, with a drawn-on face and blonde wool hair wearing a piece of checked cloth, with bent-out paper clips as arms, and hugging it. "We can do that, RIGHT Gereldene?"

Gereldene didn't reply because... Well... She was a wooden spoon childishly made to look like a person. Gavin skipped off, grabbing 463 by his collar.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 463 yelled as everything went into slow motion Midgarwood style down the hallway.

Sephiroth just shrugged like the illogical evil dude he is. Then, Kuja turned all nice again.

"Hell-o!" He smiled, clapping. "I'm, like, FFIX's Kuja! WOO!"

"Well, I figured..." Seph replied, scratching the back of his head. Even though he's ILLOGICAL, it doesn't mean he can't figure stuff, like who Kuja is, out. Actually, he didn't know, because he thought Kuja was a guy and Kuja looks NOTHING like a guy. He looks like a girl. If Kuja hadn't have introduced himself, well, Seph would have been confused.

"I've been waiting for you!" Kuja chuckled. Of course, that sentance had so many meanings.

"Really?" Sephiroth asked, because he was too illogical to realise anything. "Because... I don't think we've ever arranged to meet..."

"Oh, umm..." By the way, Kuja isn't NEARLY as ILLOGICAL as Seph. Think what a mess they would have been in if they were BOTH illogical! HAHAHA! Oh well.

Kuja continued slowly, because he didn't THINK Seph was too bright. Everyone seems to think he is, but we know he's not. "You're from the curtain company... Aren't you?"

"No." Sephiroth said. He may be illogical, but he DOES know where he works... Actually, I don't think he does work... Anyway, he's too illogical to work at a curtain company.

"Ooooooooohhhhhhh..." Kuja said, sounding slightly annoyed. "I've been WAITING for AGES for those GODDAMN CURTAIN GUYS!"

Then he knocked a glass off his desk overdramatically and lay on it (the desk, not the smashed glass, because Kuja knows NOT to do that) also overdramatically.

"WHEN WILL THEY COME?" He yelled in a Midgarwood style. "WWWWWHHHHEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN?"

Sephiroth just blinked because he's illogical... Like that...

"Why do you want curtain guys?" Seph asked.

Kuja sprang up and stood (not on the broken glass, silly!) in a cool pose.

"Well, the curtain company was supposed to bring me swatches! You see, I need some new curtains!" He explained, walking from his cool pose in his cool Kuja walk towards some nice lilac curtains he had that framed a big window in his nice big (mainly) lilac room. "But you see..."

Kuja held out one of the curtains. It had lots of its material cut from it.

"That idiotic flunkie of mine - Gavin - cut out some of the curtain to make matching kimonos for himself and the spoon he calls Gereldene." He continued.

"Why don't you fire him?" Sephiroth asked. That was a question that didn't require much logic... Really... "You have hundreds of those Black Mages. Why do you need a human?"

"Hmm... Well, the truth is, I took Gavin under my wing when he was thrown out by his old Master..." Kuja replied, and then there was a FLASHBACK! YAY!

_FFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK!_

_It was last year. I was walking down the street like any other crossdresser... When I heard a voice yelling from inside the mansion of the one we call Tom. AAHHH! WE MUST NOT SPEAK HIS NAME! HE IS SATAN REINCARNATED INTO A TEENAGE BOY! AAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Anyway, that was when Mr Tom just THREW Gavin out of his mansion, yelling 'YOU! THE ONLY THING YOU'RE USEFUL FOR IS BEING USELESS! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!'. Stopping outside the manison to listen, I then heard Gavin reply 'B-B-But... Gereldene and I were only getting you some hot chocolate, Master Tom!'. Then there was an uproar of 'OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH! GERELDENE THIS, GERELDENE THAT! YOU AND YOU'RE BLOODY SPOON CAN KISS MY ASS!'. To which there was more stuttering of 'B-B-B-But...!'. Then, Tom yelled at him again. 'IT'S JUST A SPOON! GET REAL, YOU COMPLETE LOONATIC! THE SPOON IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, IT IS AN INANIMATE OBJECT!' Then the door slammed. Poor Gavin... I felt SO sorry for him. So, I explained that he could work for me. _

_FFFFLLLLAAAASSSSHHHHBBBBAAAACCCCKKKK EEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD!_

"And that's the story!" Kuja confirmed the end of the story, nodding. "I can't fire him. I'd just be repeating Tom's mistakes."

Of course, Kuja is pretty malicious in FFIX... But, oh well... He was mean to 463, I guess. It wasn't his fault there was a disaster for the villains! Well, anyway, Sephiroth didn't really care about Gavin, because he's Sephiroth. Does he care about anything or anyone? Well, himself, Jenova, Reunion and evil hair-gel... BUT THAT'S ALL! It was at that moment that Gavin returned...

"WE PUT 463 IN THE DUNGEON, DIDN'T WE, GERELDENE?" He screeched at the top of his voice, poking his head around the door, then replacing his head with the spoon.

Gereldene didn't say anything.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" He smiled at her. "ISN'T IT?"

"Gavin, did you get the mail?" Kuja asked.

"YES INDEEDY!" Gavin grinned, pushing the guy who was browsing nervously at the chemist's into the room. "SEE? MALE!"

"W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-WHAT'S H-H-H-H-HAPPENING?" The random browsing guy from the chemist's stuttered, before falling onto the floor, twitching strangely.

"Did you bring a male?" Kuja asked, almost rhetorically, sweatdropping Anime-style.

"Yes indeed! DIDN'T WE, GERELDENE?" Gavin spoke to Gereldene again, flinging her about as he did so. "TRA-LEE-LA-LEE-LA-LA-LAAA!"

"THE MAIL BOX!" Yelled Kuja exasperatedly, throwing a Faberge egg at Gavin.

Gavin didn't move because he is undeniably a complete idiot. He just grinned freakishly. The Faberge egg missed because Kuja's aim slipped up with his anger. It smashed into the wall and shattered into little Faberge egg pieces.

"Ohhh..." Gavin said, looking at the pieces. "Do you want me and Gereldene to clean that up?"

"THE MAIL BOX OUTSIDE!" Kuja continued to yell. "GO! NOW!"

"Okie-chokie!" Quoted Gavin again, and then he skipped back out with Gereldene.

Then, there was an uncomfortable silence as Kuja and Sephiroth stared at the guy on the floor, who was twitching... Weirdly... They just shifted uneasily... Waiting for the guy to get up and leave. But he didn't. Meanwhile, Kefka was at the chemist's. He waltzed up to the counter, swishing his cape about.

"GOOD DAY!" He yelled overdramatically as Ayame Sohma's theme began to play in the background.

Zidane was sat behind the counter reading a newspaper (the right way up), because of the lack of buisness. He looked over it and stared at Kefka.

"...Make-up remover's in aisle three." He said quickly, returning to the Peanut cartoons.

"Umm... ACTUALLY, I'm looking for someone!" Kef said, pulling the newspaper down.

Zidane continued to stare at him.

"Is he by any chance a ringleader?"

"Uh... No, not really." Kefka replied, letting go of the newspaper. He was either used to the jokes about clowns, or he didn't understand them.

"Well, Coco, I can't help ya..." Said Zidane. Oh how WITTY you are with your insults, theif-monkey! "How am I supposed to remember EVERY single person who comes here?"

"Ah, the guy I'm looking for stands out quite a bit." Kef explained.

"From what I can remember, no other clowns have been in today." Zidane said bluntly. "Thank you, come again."

"Bu--" Kefka TRIED to expain further, but he was interrupted.

"Thank you, come again!"

"St--"

"THANK YOU. COME AGAIN!" Zidane yelled, slamming his fists on the counter. "If you'll EXCUSE me, I have WORK to do!"

Of course, he didn't have work to do. He had Peanut cartoons in the newspaper to read. Charlie Brown was just about to make a cryptic joke. Kefka just shook his head. There was no getting through to Zidane, so he just headed to the door.

"HEY!" Zidane yelled.

Kef turned back.

"What?"

"Umm... Are you gonna buy anything?" Zidane asked. It was obviously store policy NOT to yell at unpaying customers, for they still have the opportunity to purchase.

"Do you have any Evil frizz-ease?" Enquired Kefka.

"...Uhh... No." Zidane replied slowly, as if Kefka was an idiot. Maybe he thought that, but we all know that Kef really ISN'T an idiot.

"Very well then!" Kefka yelled overdramatically, grabbing something from the nearby shelf and holding it up in pride and swishing his cape around as if he were Vincent. Ayame's theme continued. "I SHALL TAKE THIS NOVELTY SPONGE, SHAPED LIKE A CHOCOBO!"

Zidane stared at him.

"It's a duck... Actually..." He corrected him.

Kefka didn't care that Zidane was trying to interrupt his overdramatic scene... Well, anyway, I'll bet you're wondering what Sephy and Kujie were up to! I'll tell you now... Kuja was poking at the twitching guy with a snooker cue. It didn't stop the twitching... The random guy that doesn't really have an important part in this chapter just continued to twich. I think it's because you're supposed to poke people when they've stopped moving entirely... But Kuja obviously didn't realise this. He isn't stupid, though. It was probably just at the back of his mind. Anyway, he stopped as Gavin returned again.

"WE BROUGHT THE MAIL BOX, DIDN'T WE GERELDENE?" He squealed, dumping the ACTUAL uprooted mail box in the middle of the room.

"GGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!" Kuja screamed. "YOU IDIOT! NOW THERE'S DIRT ALL OVER MY CARPET!"

Gavin then started to do a dance with Gereldene, treading the mud further into the carpet and singing. "LAR-DE-DAR-DE-DAR-DE-DARR!"

"THAT DOESN'T MEAN FORCE IT IN FUTHER!" Kuja was turning red with fury, and he immidiatly pointed to a green dog cushion that had bone prints dotted randomly on it in the corner. "GO TO BED! NOW!"

Unaffected by Kuja's loud tone, Gavin skipped to the cushion and curled up and it, cradling Gereldene in his arms.

"Oh, Gereldene!" He exclaimed, shutting his eyes. "FIND ME A DREAM!"

And then he went to sleep. Just like that. After rhyming with what he probably says every time he goes to sleep. Hahahaha! Anyway, that was when Kuja went over to the mail box and opened it up. He didn't bother moving it. Why? Well, he just figured his other slaves would clear it at some point. So, he emptied the contents. Inside was lots and lots of mail, because Kuja is a VERY popular person! YAY!

"Bill..." He said, flicking the 'irrelevant' ones over his shoulder. "Bill... Bill... Bill... GASP! IMPORTANT NOTICE!"

Kuja tore the envelope off in excitement and read the letter out loud, sounding very happy.

"Mr. Kuja, the Alexandria Police have traced the murder of Mr. Tyson Granger of Gay... Uhh... Beyblade to your... records..." His voice suddenly dipped in confusion. "Hand yourself in now or we will seize you when we next see you..."

He stared at Sephiroth.

"Don't look at me." Sephiroth said, shrugging because he's illogical.

"YOU!" Kuja yelled. "YOU! YOU'RE FROM THE POLICE! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Because he's illogical, Seph just wondered what the hell Kuja was talking about.

"NUMBERS 500 TO 550! GET IN HERE!" Kuja screamed at the top of his voice.

Then, fourty-nine little Black Mages ran in.

"WHAT IS IT, MASTER KUJA?" They all yelled simultaneously.

"What the...? WHERE'S 512?" Kuja excalimed.

"We haven't seen him since we raided the Pepsi HQ!" 538 answered. Was it 538? YES! IT WAS! Why? BECAUSE I WROTE THIS STORY AND I KNOW WHICH BLACK MAGES HAVE DIALOGUE!

"Oh well... PROTECT ME FROM HHHIIIMMMM!" Kuja just squealed, pointing still very overdramatically at Sephiroth.

"Seriously?" Seph said, raising an eyebrow. "Are you suggesting that your flunkies all fight me?"

"No." Kuja said, more calm now that his clones were here. "You may call your Police friends to fight them."

Well, seeing as Sephiroth WASN'T in the Police, he couln't really get back up. So, he just decided to call the next best thing... HIS OWN FLUNKIES! HURRAH!

... ...Uhh... Actually... Not hurrah...

...Because all Sephiroth's minions can do is wobble about, fall off cliffs, give AVALANCHE rare items, hang around Nibelheim and say stuff like 'Reunion' and 'Sephiroth'. So, after he got out the head of Jenova, because apparently she attracts his flunkies, he waited for all of them to come. Which would take a while... But, BUT! Not all of the clones were like that... And suddenly who smashed through the window but KADAJ, YAZOO AND LOZ! They deserve the HURRAH!

"We are here, Brother!" Kadaj said, swinging his dual-bladed sword around. "And we have come for Mother!"

Sephiroth just threw the head of Jenova to the side 'secretivly'. Yes, I know the head of Jenova causes Reunion and changes Kadaj into Sephiroth. But do I CARE about the logic of FFVII Advent Children? NO! NO I DO NOT!

"Uhh... Mother? I thought you guys had her..." He said, scratching the back of his head.

Kuja switched confused glares between Seph and his 'Brothers'.

"What the hell are you talking about? I DEMAND an answer!" Kuja... uuh... Demanded.

"Hhheeeyyy!" Loz said, walking over to Kuja. "Seph, who's your friend? She's hot!"

Kuja punched Loz in the stomach and kicked him in the crotch before tossing him into a wall.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Loz screamed as if Tifa has just beaten the crap outta him.

After the dust from the impact cleared, Loz had multiple Heads of Jenova dancing around his head singing 'REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION! REUNION!'. Yazoo blinked at Loz's mangled body and then looked at Kuja.

"Wow. You're pretty strong for a girl." He said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kuja roared in anger and sent Flare in Yazoo's direction.

"Ohmygodimonfire." Yazoo said, falling over in an ash-like state. Just like in the Flash movie!

Kadaj then blinked at both of his brothers.

"I guess you're not the sort of girl who likes flirting and compliments...?" He laughed uneasily, turning towards Kuja's definatly pissed off face.

"I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU!" Kuja yelled. "COME, BAHAMUT!"

And then, a big dragon appeared in the sky... IT WAS BAHAMUT! GASP! And... IT WAS HEADING RIGHT FOR ALEXANDRIA! GASP! And... ALEXANDER CAN'T DO ANYTHING! GASP! Why can't Alexander do anything? Well, he was on his coffee break... And yes, Summonings have coffee breaks. Why? Well, most of the time they're not needed for a battle. Anyway, some of the Summonings work at a big building called the VALEFOR CORPORATION. And yes, Valefor is the head honcho of the company. Otherwise, it wouldn't be called that, would it? DOY! So, Alexander waltzed in to the staff room like he was the Holy element Summoning of the friggin' world. Well, ACTUALLY, he IS the only Holy element Summoning of the Final Fantasy worlds. Except Spira. There wasn't an Alexander in Spira. Did YOU ever see Yuna send one at the end? No, because the only Aeons she had that were traditional were Ifrit, Shiva and Bahamut. AND THERE WERE NO WATER AEONS IN FFX! Would it have HURT AT ALL to have had LEVITAN instead of Valefor? Oh well... We're talking about the FFIX Alexander, not the FFVII Materia Summoning or the FFVIII GF. SO! ON WITH THE POINT OF THIS PARAGRAPH! Alexander waltzed in to the staff room like he was the Holy element Summoning of the friggin' world. Then, he sat on a nice comfy chair and started reading a newspaper! YAY! And then - THEN - he looked over his newspaper to see Bahamut flying towards Alexandria.

"OH SHIT!" He yelled, and got up but then settled right back down. "Ah well. It's not my problem."

"Hey, Alex!" Yojimbo called from the other side of the room, waving a coffee jug about. "Coffee?"

"Sure!" Alexander shouted back. "Milk, no sugar!"

"WE'RE OUT OF MILK!" Cried Yojimbo, waving about an empty bottle of milk.

"OKAY!" Alexander continued to yell. "NO MILK AND ONE SUGAR THEN!"

"WE'RE OUT OF SUGAR!" Yojimbo shouted, waving about an empty tin that was supposed to have sachets of sugar in it.

"THEN ONE SWEETENER!"

Yojimbo waved about then empty sweetener tin, too.

"WE'RE OUT OF SWEETENER!"

"THEN JUST COFFEE WITHOUT MILK OR SUGAR OR SWEETENER!"

Yojimbo then waved the coffee jar about.

"WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yojimbo, you crazy Samurai! Oh well... ANYWAY! The FFIX Bahamut was heading straight for Alexandria! And more importantly... ALEXANDRIA! ...I mean... More importantly... KUJA'S MANSION! Well, anyway, everyone was watching the big dragon soar towards the manison through the window. Except for Yazoo and Loz. They were probably in too much pain to even be bothered! So, at this point, Kadaj looked like he was going to shit himself at any moment. Kuja looked like he was an evil maniac (dddddddduuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh). The Black Mages looked pretty scared, because Bahamut did something to them, didn't he? The chemist guy stopped twitching but lay on the floor without moving at all (now would have been a good time for poking him). Sephiroth just looked around blankly. Not because he's illogical. It's because he could hear a buzzing noise. A buzzing that happened to be more important than the fact that KUJA HAD SUMMONED BAHAMUT AND NOW THAT CRAZY DRAGON WAS HEADING TOWARDS THEM MURDEROUSLY!

...But he was taking his time... Kuja looked at his watch... And YES, Kuja DOES have a watch on his wrist. How come you never see it? It's hidden because of all his wooshy clothes. There's something else I forgot to mention about Kuja! He has wooshy clothes! Yes, he crossdresses, but unlike MOST crossdressers, he SUITS his clothes! Did I say that already? Oh well...

Anyway, the buzzing noise that Sephiroth could hear suddenly got louder, and louder, and LOUDER, until...

THE WALL OF THE ROOM WAS TORN OFF! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! But by what?

Was it a bird? Was it a plane? It was... AN AIRSHIP! And it landed right in the middle of the room!

"WHAT THE?" Kuja yelled, seeing as the Airship seemed too big to fit in the room but it did. "WHO THE GODDAMN HELL IS WRECKING MY MANSION WITH MY AIRSHIP?"

Kefka popped his head out of the window.

"Hey! Seph! Good! You're here!"

Sephiroth stared at him.

"How did you find me?" He asked.

"Some guys at the Mini-Mart told me. I had to pay 'em a couple of Gil, but it was worth it, seeing as we never decided a time to rendez-vous!" Kefka grinned... Strangely.

"Ron-day-vu...?" Seph said, looking slightly confused, and also slightly upset that he didn't know what a ron-day-vu was! Aww! Poor little illogical Sephy. I'm guessing his Mother(s) never gave him an IQ Builder. Well, it was pretty hard for her to. Jenova was in a glass case, and Lucrecia was living an almost suicidal life in a cavern. She wanted to die, but Jenova wouldn't let her die. Lucrecia had Jenova inside her, because she was Sephiroth's REAL Mother. Neither of them really ever knew the benefits of Mother's day, either. Well, Jenova did. But that was only because the SHMs love her to bits. Hahahahahaha!

"Quick! Get on the Airship before the owner comes!" Kef yelled obliviously.

"I'm the owner." Kuja said. "Of the mansion and the Airship."

Kefka looked at Kuja.

"Oh... Crap."

So, Bahamut was now coming, and Sephiroth was trying to be logical to figure out what to do! So, he did the only thing that seemed sensible! He grabbed Kuja and jumped aboard the Airship. Kuja struggled, and screamed at his minions.

"HEY! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED HERE!"

None of them did anything, because at that moment, Kefka lifted the Airship off, and crashed through the mansion and around in a circle and-- Wait... Kefka can't fly Airships! So he was pretty much flying it out of control. Anyway, Seph and Kuja were on board, so Kuja just ran to the bridge and pushed Kefka off the controls.

"YOU'LL KILL US ALL!" He yelled, gaining the controls.

"Hey! Hey! Puple bitch!" Kefka shouted, throwing a fire spell at Kuja. "GET BACK!"

Kuja went flying into a wall at the side with the force of the fire spell. Which level was the fire spell? I dunno. I don't care, either. Then Kefka regained the controls, and laughed manically, flying the ship in a 360 degree corkscrew, and not caring about it, either!

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAA!"

I'll bet you're expecting Kuja to get RIGHT back up and kick Kefka's ass. But, no. No, he can't get up. Why? Poor Kujie has been K.O'd by the evil krazy klown. Lots of alliteration there! I'll bet, again, that you're wondering where Seph is. Well, I'll tell you now. He was regaining balance, only just, and holding on to the doorway of the bridge. Of course, even though he's illogical, he couldn't BELIEVE Kefka's STUPIDITY!

"KEFKA! YOU IDIOT!" He yelled. "JUST LET HIM FLY THE DAMN AIRSHIP!"

Of course, he knew that Kuja was K.O'd, and threw about 33948729840913294713971837852737283754273785729837520843572458511335887193973073 Phoenix Downs towards him. I know you can only usually carry 99, but this is SEPHIROTH we're talking about, and he can carry as many Phoenix Downs as he wants!

...Except in his utter stupidity, the entire bridge was now filled with feathers.

"PPPRRRFFFFFF!" Kuja splurted a few Phoenix Downs out of his mouth. "W-- PRRFFF!"

As soon as he did, though, more feathers entered his mouth! Anyway, because of the feathers, Kefka couldn't see (not like he was paying much attention anyway) where he was flying the Airship! GASP!

And they went flying right into... AN EMPTY SPACE! And they kept going! Suddenly, all the Phoenix Downs that didn't revive Kuja (that's 33948729840913294713971837852737283754273785729837520843572458511335887193973072 Phoenix Downs exactly) came up with 'MISS' and disappeared.

"Phew..." Kuja said, gasping for air.

"Whoo-hoo!" Kefka yelled, raising his fist in the air. "We're flying!"

"YOU KIDNAPPED ME!" Kuja shouted at Sephiroth, who just obliviously walked to where Kefka was in the pilot's seat.

"Kefka, get out and let him fly the ship."

But Kefka ignored him... KEFKA IGNORED SEPHIROTH? OH GOD THAT IS **NOT **GOOD! So, Seph just pulled Kef out of his seat and threw him across the bridge! Wowzers... Violence! Then Kuja hopped back into the pilot's seat.

"Ahem... Whoo-hoo!" Kuja yelled, raising his fist into the air. "We're flying!"

Of course, Kuja knew how to fly an Airship. And he was able to get them... Back... On... Course... ... ... ... NOT!

When Kefka was flying the Airship manically, they had lost their position! GASP!

"Where are we?" Kuja asked, looking at the weird terrain below.

"YOU SHOULD KNOW!" Kefka yelled, jumping right back up.

"I don't know! You're the smart-ass who lost our position!" Kuja shouted.

"So we're practically LOST?" Excalimed Kefka.

"Oh... Great..." Sephiroth groaned, shaking his head.

They were LOST! AS IN THE DRAMA! LOST!

"JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" Kate screamed at the top of her voice. But it was too late for a LOST parody to be slotted into this chapter.

**BASS IT!**

(Poof! That took a while! No reviews? SEE! I TOLD YOU I'D PUT 463 IN THE DUNGEON! So you'd better review NOW, or I'll kill off... CID! Which one? I haven't quite decided yet... Let's get some FAQs in here too, please! ...Okay, slight change of plan. I have some reviews, so I'm not gonna kill anyone.)


	4. Spiramory

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_Live At The Apollo. This is an anagram of Eat All Th'Evil Poo. PS. Evil Poo has nothing to do with this story. PPS. If it did, I personally wouldn't take interest in this story if I was reading it._

_DISCLAIMER: From last time, I forgot to mention that I do not own Pepsi. It is yummy, but if I owned it, it would taste of... (Looking at previous paragraph) ...Evil Poo._

_NOTE: If you have never seen the British (Scottish)children's show Balamory, you might not understand all of this chapter. It was kind of for my own entertainment... Hahaha... Balamory is owned by the BBC. HA!_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER FOUR - SPIRAMORY**

It was twelve noon on Tuesday, and Kuja's Airship was pretty much flying across endless plains.

"I can't BELIEVE you KIDNAPPED me and took me aboard my OWN Airship and FORCED me to FLY it into the DEPTHS of NOWHERE!" Kuja cried, angrily and overdramatically.

"Uh, actually, we're on a mission to find the Evil hair stuff." Sephiroth explained. "We didn't KIDNAP you so much as RECRUIT you."

"You recruited me? YAY!" Beamed Kuja, all happy and joyful again in the pilot's seat. Now, if Kefka was still in that seat, the Airship would have crashed and all three of them would have died. "I'm the Pilot, right?"

"...Are you sat in the pilot's seat?" Seph asked. It didn't sound sarcastic, but Kuja obviously thought it was. He WASN'T being sarcastic. He really didn't know it was the pilot's seat! Just like Squall... Well, yeah, there were alot of seats around. Kefka was sat in one, looking at alot of coordinates.

"Yes! SO THAT MEANS I AM! WHOO-HOO!" Kuja excalimed, raising his fist into the air.

"H-Hey!" Kefka yelled, entering the bridge after mooching around the ship. "If Kuja's the Pilot, what position am I?"

He swished his cape around.

"I think I would make a good Captain, don't you think?"

Sephiroth and Kuja just burst out laughing. After five minutes of just laugher, and Kef staring at them like they were idiots, they stopped.

"Uh... You can be the Navigator!" Sephiroth suggested, since he DID think Kefka would be useful at maps and stuff.

"NAVIGATOR? COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!" Kef smirked evilly, and then he hopped into the Navigator's seat and looked at lots of little coordinates on the computer screen. "I'll figure out where we are then! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

Wow... That really DIDN'T need an evil laugh. OH WELL.

"I'll be Captian." Seph said, swishing the Masamune about because... He's cool. And not as illogical as I made him out to be. It WOULD be fitting seeing as how he was like... The General of SOLDIER. I know being a Captain would be stepping back a little, but only in the army, not on Airships. In fact, aboard Airships, Captain is the highest rank! WOO! And like Gippal said to Nooj in FFX-2 about being a Captain, all you have to do is shut up and look important!

"Do we have to call you Captain?" Kuja asked.

"No..." Seph replied, because he didn't really like the idea of actually being referred to as Captain.

"ALRIGHTY!" Kuja again excalimed, raising his fist in the air... Again... "Now, let's find our hair stuff so my hair doesn't go all dull and I stop being evil and start donating to charity..."

And then he shuddered at the thought, and then, the Airship's phone rang! YAY! And now, I don't know why the Airship has a phone. It just does. It's on the wall of the bridge.

"..Hello?" Sephiroth answered it.

"I know you're alone..." IT WAS THE SINISTER VOICE FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER! ARGH!

Seph looked around. Kefka and Kuja were there... DOY!

"Actually, I'm not." He said.

"Oh..." The sinsister voice said, not really sounding very sinister any more. "...W-Well... This sucks..."

"Can I hang up now?" Sephiroth asked.

"NO! NO! I HAVEN'T FINISHED SCARING YOU YET!" The 'sinister' voice yelled, and then it made a very, very, VERY incredibly stupid and very, very, VERY incredibly annoying long 'E' sound, gasping for air at random intervals. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (gasp!) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (gasp!)EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (gasp!) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (gasp!)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--"

"STOP THAT!" Shouted Seph, putting the phone back to his ear after holding it at arm's length. Even holding it at arm's length he could still hear the annoying 'E' sound. "You're not scary, you're just really, really annoying."

"You STEREOTYPE the SINISTER VOICE?" The sinister voice excalimed in an offended manner.

"Yes." Sephiroth said blankly. "Yes. I sterotype the sinister voice."

"...You will die in seven days..." The sinsister voice said, now sounding more sinsister again.

"What?"

"Oh... Uh... Nothing. But, if you hang up, you will die."

Sephiroth just scratched the back of his head.

"Do you even know where I am?" He asked. How LOGICAL of you to ask that, Sephiroth!

"Uh... Not really." The sinister voice said sheepishly.

Then Seph just hung up, because he can't STAND idiots like that! Ugh! Who CAN? Well, probably people who ARE idiots like them... Ehehehehe...

"Who was it?" Kefka asked.

"The sinister voice that's supposed to be 'stalking' me." Seph sighed, shaking his head.

"OOH! OOH!" Kuja yelled, waving his hand about. "KEFKA! There's a location up ahead!"

"Uh... Whaddaya want me to do about it?" Kef asked, slightly rudely.

"Set the coordinates for landing there!" Kuja replied.

Kefka stared at all the controls infront of him.

"How do I do that?" He asked.

"GRRR!" Kuja exclaimed, banging his head on the controls. "Forget it. I'll just land us here."

And so, they landed on a grassy area, which was covered in mist. When they had jumped RIGHT OFF the Airship, they saw that there was a little village built on the cliffs, with buildings that were all brightly coloured. So, they just went into it! JUST LIKE THAT! To completely save time.

Now, did you know that in Britain, this song would be sung by Scottish kids. In the US, however, it is sung by... umm... American kids. Whichever way you want, the children are possessed! And so... As soon as they entered the village, annoying theme music began to play and possessed children and the Fayth of Bahamut appeared to sing... Sounding... Possessed.

_**Spiramory,**_

_**Spiramory.**_

_**Who's been murdered**_

_**In Spiramory?**_

_**Wouldn't you like to know?**_

_**Death, destruction,**_

_**Pain and suffering.**_

_**Where would you like to go?**_

The three villains jumped back in surprise at the possessed children. They also covered their ears (I wonder why). Now Kefka, as a child snatcher, though about SNATCHING them. But, he had to get the Evil hair stuff, so he put his ideas aside for now.

_**Not like Waka Laka,**_

_**It's Lulu and Wakka's,**_

_**Is that where we should go?**_

_**Spiramory.**_

_**Or up to the castle,**_

_**Inventing with Kimahri.**_

_**He's ever so clever and**_

_**Ever so arty.**_

They tried to run, but the possessed children just followed them! ARGH! And the Fayth was LEADING THEM! ARGH! Sephiroth thought about just turning around and killing them, but they were also the Advent Children that Kadaj was talking to in the Ancie-- Oh my God, I never said what happened to Kadaj!

"HELP ME!" Kadaj yelled as Bahamut drew EVER CLOSER! But it was too late for me to put something about him in here. I have to get on with Spiramory!

_**Who's been murdered **_

_**In Spiramory?**_

_**Wouldn't you like to know?**_

_**Choosing our plots schemes**_

_**And stabbing with pain,**_

_**To Seymour we should go.**_

_**Spiramory.**_

_**Or bouncing off walls **_

_**With Rikku Rump,**_

_**Will that be the story**_

_**In Spiramory?**_

As they were running, Kuja pictured all the very annoying children as overgrown Shittake mushrooms. But unfortunatly... He was using his hands to plug his ears, so he couldn't destroy them... Anyway, I don'tthink he's heartless enough to kill kids. Or maybe he is...? Whatever. He didn't kill them, though.

_**Death, destruction,**_

_**Pain and suffering.**_

_**Where would you like to go?**_

_**Shall we have fun**_

_**And cycle with Auron?**_

_**Is that where we should go?**_

_**Spiramory.**_

_**Or check wheels for vices**_

_**With Tidus McCrisis,**_

_**Wouldn't you like to know?**_

_**So...**_

Anyway, they outran them eventually, and took refuge in the Spiramory Nursery. Sephiroth banged his head on the door frame first, but then he got thorugh once he ducked down. The building was quite low down. It was his misfortune for being... Taller than the Author! But still, the possessed noise... CONTINUED!

_**Death, destruction,**_

_**Pain and suffering.**_

_**Where would you like to go?**_

_**Spiramory.**_

_**Here is Miss Yunie to**_

_**Tell us a story,**_

_**But how will it all begin?**_

_**Is it rainy, sunny,**_

_**Windy or cloudy.**_

_**Playing outside,**_

_**Or SIN!**_

_**Is today a day where **_

_**We will play**_

_**Blitzball or something lame?**_

_**Who's been murdered**_

_**In Spiramory?**_

_**Wouldn't you like to know?**_

_**Death, destruction,**_

_**Pain and suffering.**_

_**Tell us where we will go!**_

AT LAST! IT WAS OVER! HURRAH! But, anyway, they had, out of pure coinicidence, taken refuge at Miss Yunie's place of work.

"Hallo!" Miss Yunie (Yuna) said, in a Scottish accent, as she shut the door behind her. "Ahm Miss Yoonie!

She was wearing a brown and green version of her summoning robes, and her hair was like it was in X-2, only without the crazy ponytail. And she had a green hat on! YAY!

"Whaht're your names?" She asked.

"Well, I--" Kefka began, but then he was interrupted.

"Oh, of course!" Miss Yunie said, before skipping over to a cupboard and putting her hat away.

"Umm... Miss Yunie?" Sephiroth asked. "We're looking for information on--"

And then he was interupted by the noise of tyres screetching loudly. And, apparently, it was.

"Oh! Theyre's the school bas!" Miss Yunie said perkily. "I wander whoo'll be caming to tha Spiramory Nursery tooday?"

Then, all of the possessed children got onto the big blue school bus parked outside the nursery. And then, fairly pointlessly, they all got off again.

"Hallo, Miss Yoonie." They all said at the same time in the same possessed (Scottish) voice.

"Hallo, children!" Miss Yunie said, again very... Perkily.

And then, who waltzed in, but the bus driver - Tidus McCrisis! (Intended but not very good rhyme.)

"Hallo, Miss Yoonie!" He said in a Scottish accent. "Hallo other characters fram other Final Fantasies!"

"Hallo, Tidus McCrisis!" Miss Yunie said.

The villains didn't say anything to Tidus because he is a weirdo. Everyone who's anyone who knows about Tidus also knows that he is weird. Let me tell you now, at that time he was wearing tight leather clothing and a cap that had Jecht's 'J' on it. It was a bus driver's uniform that made him look like the 6th Village Person. Yeah... Kuja liked it, anyway.

"WOW! Mister McCrisis!" Kuja said in a very... Flirtatious way...

"It's Tidus!" Tidus said, oblivious to Kuja's tone, and then he gasped becuase no one is supposed to say his name! ARGH!

"Okay..." Kuja said, not being 'flirtatious' anymore. "Tidus, Miss Yunie, we're looking for some information."

"An what?" Miss Yunie asked in her lovely Scottish accent.

"On the case of the stolen Evil hair products!" Kefka replied, feeling quite upset that someone was evil enough to take away his Evil Frizz-ease. He's finally getting what's coming to him... As are Sephiroth and Kuja! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyhoo...

"Hmm... Evil, did you say? Well, I think I know someone who can help you there!" Tidus said with a thoughtful look. "Wait here a second!"

And then he dashed outside and calypso music started to play and he began singing and dancing. Oh joy... At least he had rhythm, though.

_**Which coloured house**_

_**Are we going to?**_

_**Tell me what do you think?**_

_**Which coloured house**_

_**Are we going to?**_

_**Tell me what do you think?**_

_**Red house, green house,**_

_**Orange or yellow?**_

_**Pink house, blue house,**_

_**Tell me, do you know?**_

_**White house, orange house,**_

_**Green, red or pink?**_

_**Blue house, yellow house,**_

_**Tell me what do you think?**_

And then he hopped right back into the nursery.

"C'mon! We hahve ta goh see Seymour the Pain-ter!" Tidus yelled.

Seymour the Pain-ter was known to be the most EVIL and MALICIOUS painter in the whole of Spiramory. In fact, he inflicted PAIN, so he wasn't a painter at all. No, he was a PAIN-ter!

"IT'S THE ORANGE HOUSE!" A not-so-possessed little girl squealed in a Scottish accent.

"Well, ahctually, YOU hahve ta goh see Seymour!" Tidus said, cheerfully pushing them off his bus once they had arrived at the orange house. I'm guessing he didn't know who he was push-- Oh, wait... He did... Oh well, that's crazy old Tidus for ya! Then he just drove off like the three of them WERE'NT the most kick-ass villains of Final Fantasy.

But none of them cared. They just thought that they were there and they didn't need his help anyway... I mean... Tidus wouldn't really help in a situation like that, so much as make it worse.

"Is this Seymour's house?" Kefka asked. "Why are we here?"

"Seymour must have information on the Evil hair stuff." Kuja replied, being very swishy and swishing his hair back as usual, because Kuja is just... Very... Swishy...

Seph examined the orange door. It seemed Kuja's mansion would fit PERFACTLY into this village of Spiramory. Then, he knocked on it, because it seemed like Seymour didn't have a doorbell (ahahahaha! THAT SENTANCE ALMOST SORT OF RHYMED! HAHAHAHA!).

And the door, after a few moments, swung open. And who was standing there but... SEPHIROTH, KEFKA AND KUJA! And inside... SEYMOUR!

"Who are you?" Seymour asked, NOT in a Scottish accent, because if he did, Seymour wouldn't be Seymour, would he?

**SEYMOUR**

Aka. Seymour Guado (full name), Maester Seymour, Lord Seymour, Seymour Butts, Seymour the Pain-ter

Age: ARGH! I KNOW THIS! 23? IS IT?

Occupation: Maester of Yevon (I don't have to put evil. They're all evil.), Leader of the Guado

Height: Uh... Does his hair count in addition to his height?

Weapon: A little... Wand... Thing... Mini-Staff... WHATEVER!

Seymour. Seymour Guado. Seymour from Final Fantasy X. NO! I DON'T WANT TO SEE MORE OF FINAL FANTASY X! I am ADDICTED to the BEAUTIFUL GRAPHICS! Ahahahahaha! Lots of laughter! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Seymour as in "Lady Yuna, it would be a great honour if you accepted my hand in marriage, and we could CRUSH Spira like a grape!" Seymour as in Anima's son... Before she was the giant chained-up fish Aeon of Darkness of the friggin' world! Seymour as in Jyscal's son.

Well, there's alot to say about Seymour. He was SUPPOSED to stop Sin with Anima, I think, but he didn't, and killed his father ten years later or whenever the hell it was. He killed his father, tried to marry Yuna to become Sin and heal the world yadda yadda yadda, we all know the story of FFX. Asides from the fact that he was blue hair and weird clothes and massive veins, Seymour also has very stange hands. Now, they MAY BE strange, but at least he can reach things further than normal people can.

Now, please don't hate me, but I don't hate Seymour. At all. No, I really don't. I know there are plenty of people who find him REALLY annoying, but I'm just gonna tell you now. I don't dislike him. I'm not saying he's a great character, I'm just saying he's not the worst. It COULD be worse for FFX. The villain could have been... WAKKA! I HATE WAKKA MORE THAN ANYTHING! DIE, WAKKA, DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! YOU RACIST FAT-ASS! DIE, BITCH!

To summarise: Seymour sounds like 'see more'. He is Anima's son (like Sephiroth is Jenova's! But... Anima actually IS Seymour's mother, it's not just extracted DNA). He is weird looking. He can reach things normal people can't. He isn't the worst character ever. He should kill Wakka. Everybody should kill Wakka. Wakka is racist towards the Al Bhed. He should die a slow, painful death.

Well, anyway, Seymour spoke in his lovely normal accent.

"Answer me!" He demanded.

"Are you the one they call Seymour?" Sephiroth asked in an oblvious manner.

"ANSWER ME!" Seymour just demanded further.

"We are the knights that say 'ni'." Seph said blankly, because I decided he's not going to be illogical for a while... And by a while I mean a few lines. "Now, are you Seymour or what?"

"You must leave at once, unless you can give me a valid reason why I should NOT say 'DEATH AWAITS YOU!' and Dismiss you like Aeons! AEONS I SAY!" Seymour yelled.

"Two words." Sephiroth said, holding up his sword. "Masa. Mune."

Kuja tapped him on the shoulder.

"Sephiroth? Masamune is one word." He said.

Seph stared at Kuja, then at the Masamune. He was too illogical to know that Masamune was all one word. Tsk, tsk, tsk...

"Oh..." He said slowly."I always thought it was two words."

"Is there a MEANING to your RAMBLINGS?" Seymour screetched in his screetching voice, which is like his normal voice, but slightly ultrasonic.

"Not really..." Sephiroth said, scratching the back of his head and lowering the Masamune. He's not easy-going. He's just... Illogical.

"THEN GET OFF THE DOORSTEP OF THE HOUSE OF SEYMOUR!"

"Hey, that rhymed!" Kefka chuckled. But it didn't really... So...

"MUST YOU MOCK ME ANY FUTHER?" Cried Seymour, tunring red and slamming the door. "GOOD DAY!"

As Seymour went inside, there was another knock at the door. Damn! And he was just heading for a nice comfy chair, too.

"WHO DARES RE-KNOCK ON THE DOOR OF SEYMOUR?" Seymour literally screamed as he swung the door open.

"That rhymed too!" Kef said, grinning... Evilly... This time it kind of did rhyme...

"URGH! What do you want?" Seymour surrendered.

"We're looking for information on the Evil hair stuff." Sephiroth said. "The crazy bus driver they call Tidus said we could find some information from Seymour the Pain-ter."

"That would be me." Seymour said, calming down. "Indeed, I do have information."

"Really?" Kuja gasped.

"Yes; But that doesn't mean I'm going to tell YOU three!" Seymour replied.

"Why not?" Kuja asked, slightly annoyed that Seymour had got his hopes up for a second there.

"Because you were mean to me!" Seymour sobbed. "I HATE PEOPLE BEING MEAN TO ME!"

And then he was just... In tears... Anyway, Kuja pulled Kefka and Sephiroth away from the door to talk to them.

"PSST!" He whispered. "Maybe if we cheer him up, he'll tell us the information!"

Kef looked over at Seymour who was still just... Crying... On the doorstep. Then he went back to the converstation.

"How do we do that?"

"Don't worry!" Kuja whispered happily. "Let me handle this! I know what ALWAYS cheers me up when I'm upset!"

And then he skipped off back to Seymour.

"Hel-lo!" Beamed Kuja very... Perkily.

Seymour looked (down. It would be more fitting if it was up, but, you see...) at him with teary eyes and said nothing.

"It's okay! I'm not gonna be mean to you!" Kuja persuaded him to cheer up a little. "Because, you know what?"

"W-What...?" Seymour stuttered.

"You're the Queen of Everything! YAY!" Kuja excalimed.

Sephiroth and Kefka then fell over Anime-style in the background. Seymour just blinked.

"Now all you have to do is take a long bubble bath and listen to NSync for a while, then the Backstreet Boys, and if you have time Westlif--" Kuja was dishing out advice until Seph came and whacked him over the head.

"KUJA! SHUT UP! THAT'S ISN'T GOING TO HELP!" He yelled.

"W-What d-d-does h-help... Then?" Seymour asked slowly.

Sephiroth scratched the back of his head again.

"Uh... Well, I used to kill people if I was ever stressed." He said. Yes, he USED to. He has been trying to fix that murderous habit of his...

Suddenly... Seymour stopped crying! YAY! And his face lit up! YAY!

"You know... That isn't a bad idea!" Seymour excalimed. "YEAH! I think I'll go kill the person who depleted me of my Evil mousse!"

"Oh, so, the robbery affected you too?" Kuja asked, recovering from being hit.

"YES! YES OF COURSE IT DID! WHERE WOULD I BE TODAY WITHOUT MY EVIL MOUSSE?" Seymour yelled at the very top of his voice. His hair is strange. It requires lots and lots of mousse to keep in in place like that. Lots and lots of EVIL mousse. So the answer to his question is... Not very far on the strange-o-meter.

"Oooh... We're going to kill them too, aren't we, guys?" Kuja said, turning to the other two.

"I like rainbows." Sephiroth said. Actually, he wouldn't ever say that, so we'll let Kefka talk.

"That's right." Kefka confirmed, raising his fist into the air. "I MUST HAVE MY REVENGE!"

So, you all saw it coming, Seymour agreed to join them on the quest, seeing as how he's a villain who uses Evil hair products and also he needed his revenge too, otherwise he wouldn't be happy, despite Kuja's advice on boybands and bubble baths.

"TO THE AIRSHIP!" Kef yelled overdramatically.

And then there was a 60's style Batman scene transition with to outline of Kefka's head, and then they were all on the Airship! YAY! Why so fast? TO SAVE TIME, DAMMIT!

So, anyway, since Seymour knew curative spells, he agreed to be the ship's Doctor. Now, I knot that not alot of people would like Seymour to be their Doctor... But, out of him, Sephiroth, Kefka and Kuja, who would you trust the most? If you think Sephiroth... Well... He DID surgically remove Jenova's head. YET SHE STILL SOMEHOW LIVES! Well... Sort of... ACK! If you think Kefka... What are you, STUPID? If you think Kuja... Prepare to hear, whilst on the operating table 'OH MY GAWD! THIS IS GOING SO SUP-ER! THANKS FOR AS-KING! WHOOPS! ...TIME OF DEATH 20-19! AL-RIGHT PEOPLE! IT'S AALLL OV-ER!'

"So, what do you know about the Evil stuff." Sephiroth demanded, because he was pretty annoyed that Seymour hadn't actually told them yet.

"Well..." Seymour replied. "The crime was committed by a crazy person. That's all I know."

"WHAT?" The others all yelled, because THEY ALREADY KNEW THAT! ARGH!

"But I have a good idea which crazy person it is!" Seymour continued, then he chuckled in his ritzy voice. "We'll need to head for a place called Zanarkand, in the far North."

"Zan-arc-hand...?" Seph said, looking slightly confused. He obviously can't understand long words like Zanarkand and rendez-vous. Why? Because he's too illogical, and he likes rainbows.

"Yes. Zanarkand." Seymour said. "To Zanarkand we shall go and CRUSH our enemies like hazlenuts under our shoes!"

What a strange similie... Or is it a metaphor? Similie? Metaphor? I DON'T KNOW! ARGH! Anyway, Sephiroth just scratched the back of his head again in confusion as Seymour walked past, laughing manically.

_'God... I've heard more sense come out of Loz and--' _Sephiroth though, but then he yelled his thoughts out loud because... OMG! THEY WERE BAD! "OH MY GOD! THE SHMS!"

But it was alright. The SHMs, Gavin, Gereldene and 463 (who had found a way out of the dungeon) had jumped aboard the Airship Celsius with Yuna, Rikku, Paine, Brother, Buddy and Shinra! And they were going to be Sphere Hunters! YAY! Yes, I know Yuna JUST APPEARED in this chapter as Miss Yunie, but do I care? NO! NO I DON'T! FOOLS!

But I bet you're wondering what happened to all the other flunkies Sephiroth tried to call! Well, even if not, I'm going to tell you anyway. Well, they were all wobbling along, but Cloud was stuck in traffic in his crappy little electric car that he traded in his awesome huge sword-holding bike for.

"Hello." The car said in a depressed manner as they moved at the speed of a snail. "I'm an electric car. I can't go very fast or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay."

"People already think I'm gay." Cloud said to the car. He could have an interesting conversation with that car. But no. No, the electric car was too depressed. Then he just remembered the many Yaoi fics that were written about him, as a very appropritate song came on in the background...

_Cloud X Vincent_

**Darling, so there you are...**

**With that look on your face.**

_Cloud X Sephiroth_

**As if you're never hurt...**

**As if you're never down.**

_Cloud X Squall_

**Shall I be the one for you,**

**Who pinches you softly bu--**

"Mr Cloud?" The car interrupted Cloud's trail of thoughts.

"QUIET! I'm thinking about Yaoi stuff!" Cloud yelled. "Now keep going. You're not an AUTOMOBILE for NOTHING!"

And then he trailed off again. Poof! Just like that! But then Faye Wong argued that she wasn't going to sing anymore. So Cloud just... I don't know... Ate some pie. Why pie? Cloud can keep pie in his car.

"I sure can!" Cloud agreed.

But then again, we don't know how long that pie's been there... The car told him.

"Oh God. I haven't even had this car for that long!" Cloud yelled, and then he rolled down the window as fast as he could and puked out of it. What a nice way to end this chapter... Yes... Nice... Nice being sarcastic... Doy...

**BASS IT!**

FAQ: WOO-HOO! I got a question! Even though it wasn't stated that it was for the FAQ... OH WELL! IT'S A QUESTION!

Killer Chocobo: What about Ultimecia, and dare I say it, Seymour?

ArcBus: Well, Seymour came in this chapter, didn't he? I've told you over PM when Ultimecia is coming approximatly. You and I are the only people who have estimates! GASP! I hope you feel honoured, you lucky, LUCKY, person, because NO ONE ELSE will know ANYTHING until she actually comes!

Seymour: Why did you 'dare' say it?

ArcBus: Seymour. This chapter's over. Go get ready for the next one.

Seymour: Ugh... FINE! --Walks off mumbling insults.--

ArcBus: Anymore questions? YOU ARE 100 W-E-L-C-O-M-E to ask ANYTHING about this fic! ANYTHING YOU LIKE! You can even ask me MY opinions, like my favourite SHM!

Yazoo: It's me, isn't it?

ArcBus: --Shifty eyes incase Kadaj and Loz are around.-- ...Yes...

Yazoo: WOO-HOO!

ArcBus: And YES, yes, you can ask Yazoo questions too.

Yazoo: Who are you talking to? IT'S NOT CONAN O'BRIEN, IS IT?

ArcBus: And any other characters. I dunno. Just ask questions! PLEASE! Or I'll kill... YAZOO!

Yazoo: NO! DON'T! NOO!

ArcBus: What else can I do? I've put 463 in the dungeon (and got him out again). I may or may not have killed a Cid (you'll all have to keep reading to find out!). SO NOW I WILL KILL... Well, ONE OF THE SHMS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

_FURTHER DISCLAIMER: I do not own the electric car's first quote. It is the electric car from The Simpsons that says 'Hello, I'm an electirc car blah blah blah people will think you're gay'. And the song slotted inbetween the Cloud X Whoever scene was Faye Wong - Eyes On Me (FFVIII), But we all knew that, didn't we? I do not own Batman, either. I just like the scene transistion thing._


	5. Random Crazy Obstructions!

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_"I am wise." Said Obi-Wan. _

_"AND I DIG HOLES!" Darth Maul yelled angrily. But it was too early for there to be a Star Wars parody here._

_NOTE: Ultimecia appears in this chapter, but she doesn't join the group until later on. But she does help them. Alot. Read on! She even has a profile!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy, or its related characters. That is owned by Square. As is Kingdom Hearts, which is also owned by Disney, but that's a similar thing. I do not own Grandia or Liete (Ubi Soft/Game Arts). I do not own the Flash Movie the Kingdom Hearts Chonicles. That is owned by a very funny, clever person who likes KH. I do not own Mentos, either. They are owned by some dude who likes to make mints for a living. THERE'S NO LIMIT! WOO!_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER FIVE - RANDOM CRAZY OBSTRUCTIONS!**

Sssssssssssssssssoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo... The four villains were aboard their (ahem... I mean Kuja's) Airship and flying off towards the North of Spira(mory), because that's where Zanarkand is, numbskull! It seemed like Seymour knew who had stolen their Evil hair products, and he was drawing a picture of what they looked like.

"This is a picture of Shuyin, quite frankly the WORST Final Fantasy villain EVER." Seymour explained, holding up his childish drawing. "He has bleached blonde hair, lives in Zanarkand and is a Blitzball player."

He pretty much described Tidus then, but it was still a pretty accurate description of Shuyin.

"Are you absolutly sure he stole the Evil stuff?" Kefka asked, still TRYING TO FIGURE OUT how to navigate. "He just looks like a harmless stick-man to me... Hey, aren't you like... A painter? Shouldn't you draw, like, better?"

"SHUT UP!" Seymour snapped. "I'm a PAIN-TER, not a painter!"

"What's the difference?"

"Oh, THERE'S A DIFFERENCE!"

"Guys. Focus." Sephiroth said, not looking very pleased about the two of them arguing. "How long is it until we get to Zan-arc-hand now?"

"It shoudln't be long, considering the fact we're in an Airship." Seymour replied, calming down slightly. "I mean... This IS an Airship, isn't it?"

He looked at Kuja as he said this. But Kuja couldn't see, seeing as he kept his eyes on the... air... and was a SENSIBLE Pilot! All other Pilots should be ASHAMED of themselves! ASHAMED, I SAY!

"Yes." Seph replied blankly. "This is an Airship."

"Good."

So, anyway, they FINALLY reached Zanarkand. But, it was still a lifeless pile of rubble in the evening sunset.

"Listen to my story." Sephiroth said, stood at the top of the hill. "This... May be our last chance."

"Uhh... I'm confused." Kuja said, turning to Seymour. "Does someone actually live in these ruins?"

"Well, no. Not anymore." Seymour replied sheepishly. "I mean... Shuyin USED to, but..."

"So, we're pretty stuck because this dude lives in the past?"

"...That is entirely correct..."

"...Hmmm... Well, if he lives in the past... All we have to do is travel into the past, right?"

Seymour suddenly payed FULL attention to Kuja, as did Kefka. And Seph. He had just jumped off the hill.

"You have a plan?" Seymour asked in his ritzy voice.

"There is a Sourceress I know called Ultimecia." Kuja explained. "She's in the world known as..."

"DISNEYLAND?" Sephiroth squealed. Actually, he'd probably never say that, so instead, he said nothing.

"SEAWORLD?" Kefka prompted.

"No..." Kuja said.

"SAVETHEPURPLEPENGUINSVILLE?" Seymour prompted.

"No!" Kuja said angrily, since they were all interupting him.

"...Pier One?" Kefka asked, since there weren't many other places where Kuja might have known people from.

"If only..." Kuja replied, hanging his head in defeat. I guess he really... Likes... Pier One! "No, it's not any of those. It's Ultimecia Land."

"Ultimecia Land?" The others asked simultaniously.

"Yeah, I know, but, like, she literally CONTROLS the future, so it's like, WOO! Ultimecia Land! WOO!"

Of course, Kuja was talking about the FFVIII world, that Ultimecia rules over in the future. It didn't have a name like Spira or Gaia. It was just... The 8th World, I guess, until Ultimecia came and turned it into Ultimecia Land. Which is kind of a DOY factor, but at least it's a better name than the Planet (FFVII). PWEH!

So, to save me the awful job of having to write that they boarded the Airship and set off for Ultimecia Land and then had some dialogue aboard the Airship and then arrived at Ultimecia Land, let's just go straight to Ultimecia Land, okay?

"Wow..." Sephiroth said, staring at Ultimecia's big scary castle from where they were all stood outside Edea's House. "So, uh, why are we here?"

"Ultimecia has the power to compress time and travel through it." Kuja replied. "I'm sure if we ask her, she can send us to the past of Zanarkand."

Of course, the irony of Final Fantasy meant they would have to do something like fight a boss, or run some errands for her, before they could go to Zanarkand. Well, anyway, let's skip ahead to the castle.

"We'll split into pairs and meet at Ultimecia's room." Sephiroth said, like the EXCELLENT leader he is. Sarcasm intended. "Okay? BREAK!"

He began to walk off, but the others didn't budge.

"Uh, Sephiroth... Aren't we supposed to sort out the pairs before we break?" Kefka asked.

Seph walked back to the group.

"OKAY! OKAY! We'll do this YOUR way!" He yelled.

And so, the PHS party forming screen thingy-mi-bob came up.

"OOH! OOH! OOH! What does this do?" Seymour asked, seeing as how there never was a party-forming screen in FFX and he only got to fight in the group once against Sinspawn Gui alongside an unswitchable party with Auron and Yuna and it was a VERY easy battle and he has a cool Overdrive.

"It's a party forming screen, jackass." Sephiroth replied coldly. "For forming parties with. In our case, pairs."

Is it... What I think it is...? SEPHIROTH IS BEING LOGICAL! Oh my God I can't believe it! ... ...I've never been this far away from home and oh my God I can't believe... ANYWAY! On with the decisions!

"I want Cloud and Squall!" Wakka's voice yelled. But it was too much of a NON yaoi moment anyway for WAKKA to be involved!

"I'm quite okay going with anyone." Seymour announced.

"OKAY!" Sephiroth yelled. "YOU CAN GO WITH KEFKA!"

And then he immidiatly pushed Kefka over to Seymour, since he didn't want to get lost and Kuja obviously knew his way around the place, but secretly made it look like he didn't like Kefka.

"Okay, SUPER! Team KUJA! WOO!" Kuja yelled, grasping Seph's wrist and running towards the doors. "Let's get going, everyone!"

But, the other two just stood there like... Spare parts, just like Zell, Selphie and Rinoa did when I played FFVIII and was at Ultimecia's Castle. I had overused Squall, Quistis and Irvine, and changing my party would mean I would die. Just like that. Hahaha... (ha) I hate that SO MUCH.

"Alright, you blue haired psychopath, let's find this crazy lady!" Kefka said.

"Alright, you scary blonde clown, let's find this crazy lady!" Seymour said.

So, they set off too. Meanwhile, with Kuja and Sephiroth...

"This is the short-cut!" Said Kuja, pulling a chain.

Nothing happened.

"Uh... Isn't that supposed to do something?" Seph asked, seeing as it didn't do anything.

Kuja didn't say anything. He just began to laugh manically.

"What the hell is so funny?" Sephiroth asked coldly, because he didn't like being laughed at.

When Kuja stopped laughing, he let go of the chain.

"You better-- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Yes, yes, what you think has happened has actually happened. Sephiroth has been mauled to death by some strange beings. No, just kidding, he fell down a hole that opened up below him as soon as that crazy Kuja let go of that crazy chain! So, as you know, that is the short cut, so Kuja just JUMPED DOWN, just LIKE THAT, to take the short cut. Then, they just fell to outside Ultimecia's room. Yes, from the sky! That sourceress sure has some weird secret passageways. I wonder if their powers are sealed? I'm guessing not. It's because they're villains. Villains' powers can't be stopped by other villains. Only good guys can have their powers stopped by villains. And not the other way around... Unless your the... EVIL EIKO! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! HA!

"Ow... That hurt..." Sephiroth said, lying on the floor.

Kuja stood up.

"Oh, hey you two!" He said, waving at Seymour and Kefka who were stood at the door, looking pretty angry.

"DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN WAITING HERE?" Seymour screeched, his big veins throbbing.

"Well, judging from the space-time-continuum floating around Ultimecia's time compressing time compressingness..." Kuja said, sounding very smart. "I'd say about 5 hours!"

"YES! THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT!" Yelled Seymour, waving his (long) hands about.

"So it wasn't a short cut at all?" Sephiroth asked, still just... Lying on the floor.

"Well, for us it was." Kuja answered. "It only took us about 5 seconds to get here."

So, anyway, it was to save time, completely! WOO-HOO! Now, let's see what happened when the four of them actually went into Ultimecia's room. She was sat in her big tall chair like she was the evil villain of the friggin' world! Oh, wait... She is... Of this world, anyway.

"...SeeD..." Ultimecia said quietly, but then her tone rose. "...SeeD, SeeD, SeeD!"

"Hel-lo, you crazy psycopath!" Kuja chuckled. "Seed, indeed!"

"OH MY GOD! IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN SEED! IT'S... KUJA!" Ultimecia screamed, her eyeballs almost popping out of their sockets in horror.

"That's right! Tee-hee-hee-hee!" Giggled Kuja.

Ultimecia spread her wings, and hovered down.

"Kurse you, Kuja! Travelling akross worlds and times to kome and annoy me!"

**ULTIMECIA**

Aka. Sourceress Ultimecia, Crazy Lady, Ultima (confused fans)

Age: "I can't tell if she's spicy or just seasoned!" - Quote from one of Leblanc's Fem-Goons, FFX-2.

Occupation: Crazy Evil Possessing Sourceress

Height: Pretty damn tall, when she was in that chair!

Weapon: Magic and GREIVER! ARGH! THAT IS AN ANNOYING BATTLE!

From Ultimecia the creators of Final Fantasy X and X-2 defined Yunalesca and Leblanc. I can't say it the other way around, Ultimecia is a mix of Yunalesca and Leblanc, becuase she was in an earlier Final Fantasy to them, hence they were defined from her. I wounder if it was those crazy creators' intentions? Gotta love the dude who makes up these weird and wonderful characters!

Anyhoo, everybody's favourite Sourceress, above any that appeared in Disney or in other films about magic and stuff, actually makes the other Sourceresses... Sourceresses! Edea wouldn't have been a Sourceress if Ultimecia wasn't possessing her! She'd just be a random... Scary lady, who just LOOKED like she was a Sourceress. In fact, after Ultimecia stopped possessing her, she actually WAS just a random scary lady (with a very, very, very, incredibly stupid headress). Except, I like Edea, so I won't be unfair. I'll just say she went back to being good old Matron!

Well, as for RINOA! WOW! She became POSSESSED when ULTIMECIA passed from EDEA to her! Except, Rinoa didn't try to dominate the world. I always wondered why that was... And what about in the final battle when Rinoa came forward, got her ass convincingly kicked, and then got absorbed into time? Did Ultimecia actually KNOW that she was practically absorbing HERSELF into time? Rinoa came forward when I let my guard down for a second and Quistis got absorbed into time. I was all, like, NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOW ONLY IRVINE AND SQUALL ARE USEFUL! Anyway, I won't get into the weave of that battle. It was the furthest I got, and I FINALLY got past Greiver, but then Ultimecia joined with him and I was like OH GOD NO! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Then I lost. Goddamn Meteor.

Did I mention that she pronounces Ks as Cs? Kefka's about to be very happy. WOO! Oh well, I'm going to end this profile now, seeing as Ultimecia's not going to join the group.

"I didn't come to annoy you!" Kuja laughed. "Actually, we came to ask a favour of you."

"Oh..." Ultimecia said slowly. "What? What do you want?"

"We were just wondering if you could compress us into the past!"

She walked over to Kuja.

"And why do you want me to do that?"

He didn't answer. Ultimecia walked over to Sephiroth.

"Wait a minute. I know you! You're that krazy imbecile from Final Fantasy VII! You kame from a krappy experiment and you krushed everyone that got in the way of your kruel murderous rampage! Then you krossed the krazy line of villainous kraziness by killing that Aeris and taking her away from her darling Klowd!"

"Listen, lady." Sephiroth said, wiping his face free of spit with his hand. "Say it, don't spray it."

Slightly offended, Ultimecia just kast... Uhh... Cast Holy on him, then walked back to Kuja.

"Why do you want me to kompress you through time, then?"

"We need to get to a place called Zanarkand. We can get there, but we need to be in the PAST of Zanarkand." Kuja explained. "Can you help us?"

"I kould, but I kan't right now." Ultimecia replied. "You see, the watch I use to kompress into the past with is broken, and I kan't get it fixed, bekause there are no watch places here in the future. The only way to get into the past is by the portals on the chain outside the kastle."

"Then, why don't you use them to find a watchmakers?"

"If I did that, I wouldn't be able to return to this time. I need to be in this kastle to kompress time."

"Well... Uhh...Don't you own this world? Can't you force people to build a watchmakers?"

"I kould, but much use it would be, seeing as how no one in this age kan fix a watch anyway. It would just be stupid building a place when no one has the skills to work in it, if you understand what I mean."

"Hmm..." Kuja said. "That's a tough nut to crack..."

"I have an idea!" Seymour spoke up. "We could always take the watch into the past for you to get it fixed."

"Wow. Now why didn't I ask you nice boys to do that first?" Ultimecia asked herself in a dumb-old-woman-symathetic-I-love-cute-widdle-boys voice. "Kould you do that for me?"

"We sure could!" Kuja excalimed.

Ulitmecia reached into one of her pockets with a crazy witch-like hand.

"Here you go." She said, handing a small old-fashioned hand-held watch to Kuja. It's not like it's gonna be a tiny digital one with a wrist strap! "I'll kompress you when you kome back."

**OBTAINED KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH**

"Right-o!" Kuja said, before he grabbed one of Sephiroth's arms and ran off.

Seymour followed, and Kefka did too, even though he didn't really do much in this scene. Anyway, they all went back to the chain, and after Seymour cast Full-Life on him, Sephiroth recovered.

"Argh..." He whined. "That crazy spitting lady cast Holy on me!"

"We know." The others said.

"We have to go to one of the cities in the past of this world." Kuja said. "If we can get Ultimecia's past watch fixed, she can compress us into the past of Zanarkand!"

So, they all jumped off the chain into one of those Greco-Roman style portals, just to save time. COMPLETLEY! And then... They came out in the magical city of... Esthar! YAY!

And suddenly... Kiros and Ward came running up! YAY! They were holding a big banner that said 'WELCOME TO ESTHAR!'. After about five minutes of an awkward silence, who dropped out of the sky but... SUPERMAN! YAY! Just kidding. It was Laguna! BOO!

"Wilkommen ein Esthar!" Laguna said, as if he knew German but didn't. "Welcome to Esthar! I am Laguna Loire, the President of Esthar!"

"Whatever." The villains said simultaniuosly, and then walked off.

"WAIT! WAIT!" Laguna whined. "Please don't go! If I'm not a good host then EVERYONE will know I killed my wife at Ward's birthday party!"

Ward's jaw dropped (as did Kiros's).

"I **KNEW **IT! IT **WASN'T **A COINCIDENCE!" He yelled.

Then Kiros and Laguna stared at him.

"Uh, Ward?" Kiros asked. "You're... NOT mute?"

"Umm... I... Uh... ..."

Then there was silence. Ward just shrugged, and then Kiros slowly turned back to Laguna.

"Anyway... YOU KILLED HER! YOU MURDERER!"

The villains had taken this opportunity to sneak away and find a Watchmaker's. They had ended up in the shopping centre.

"Wow... Sure are alot of weird shops around here." Sora said, walking through with his Keyblade in hand.

"Hey, look! It's that kid from Kingdom Hearts!" Kefka yelled, pointing at him. "What do they call him, again."

"Sora." Seph said dully.

Anyway, Sora didn't notice the villains. And then, who walked up but... SQUALL! Ahem... Leon... Squall... Leon... Squall... Leon... WHATEVER!

"Hey, is that a Keyblade?" Squall asked.

"Yup." Sora said.

"Can I... Can I touch it?" Enquired Squall hopefully.

"Nooo!" Sora replied.

"Can I smell it?"

"No you crazy psycho!"

"Very well then... I shall take it by force!"

And, if you've ever seen the Kingdom Hearts Chronicles, you'll know where it goes. Squall tried to grab Sora's Keyblade but it kept teleporting RIGHT BACK to him!

"Can I intrest you in a mindless slave?" Kuja ran over to them, holding up two Black Mages that he magically drew from his mansion.

"AWWWW! Aren't they adorable?" Sora squealed. "Goo-goo-ga-ga-goo-goo-ga-ga!"

"Don't patronise me." The Black Mage on the left said.

"YIKES!" Sora yelled, and then ran off. With his Keyblade.

"Thanks alot, loser." Squall said. "Now I've lost the Keyblade Master!"

"Tough luck!" Kuja giggled, then sent the Black Mages back to his mansion and went back over to the group.

"Hey, wait a minute, I know you!" Squall yelled, pointing towards Sephiroth. "You're that dude that killed Aerith!"

"IT'S **AERIS**, YOU JERK!" Aeris yelled over the balcony of the floor above, and she threw her staff down like a boomerang and it hit Squall over the head (and then, fairly obviously, she caught it).

"OWCH!" He cried. "YEAH! AND I'M CALLED SQUALL!"

"YOU ARE CALLED SQUALL!"

"LLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNN!"

"AAAAAAAEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSS!"

"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAA!" Yuffie screamed, and then she fell off the balcony and died.

"OH MY GOD! WE KILLED YUFFIE!" Squall shouted in a guilt-ridden voice.

"WE'RE BASTARDS!" Aeris shouted in exactly the same tone.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WITH ALL THE NOISE?" Cloud yelled, also appearing randomly and standing next to Aeris to look over the balcony. "I'D LIKE TO BE ON MY LUNCH BREAK IN PEACE!"

"YUFFIE'S DEAD!" Aeris screamed in his ear.

"DON'T DO THAT! I'M STOOD RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"WHY IS EVERYONE STILL SCREAMING?" Squall yelled from below.

"SHUT THE HELL UP, LEON!"

"SEE, **AERITH**? CLOUD CALLS ME LEON!"

"IT'S **AAAAAAAEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS**!" Aeris roared at the top of her voice and then summoned Bahamut (FFVII).

"Top o' da mourning to ya!" Bahamut said in an Irish accent. "Ahm Baha O'Mut! Ahm also da ghost of Christmas pahst, and I'm luvin' each day as if eet's mee lahst!"

"Actually, I've changed my mind. Go away, Bahamut." Aeris said.

"Ohkay..." Bahamut said in a sad Irish accent, and then he flew off.

Then, Sora came running back.

"Hey! CLOUD!" He yelled up to the balcony. "I FOUND THAT YAOI COMIC YOU WANTED ME TO BUY SO YOU DON'T SEEM ALL THAT MUCH OF A YAOI SUBJECT!"

"Why am I about 9 years old?" Selphie asked since this was Esthar even though this is a KH parody and she's supposed to be 17 in the FFVIII world.

"Same here." Tidus said, because KH made no sense because the young Tidus in FF wasn't blonde and in KH he was! GASP!

Wakka wasn't there because one, he didn't have a voice actor in KH, and two, his older FF form was being tortured by Ultimecia at her castle as all this was happening.

"AND US!" Yuna, Rikku and Paine yelled. "Y-R-P! LET'S GO GULLWINGS! WOO!"

"GIMME THE COMIC, SORA!" Cloud yelled, flying down with his one wing.

But, seeing as how the one wing is only benefitial if you're Sephiroth, Cloud capsised and hovered down, rather than flew. Then he landed in a flower bed that was randomly placed there for decoration.

"Okay... OW!" He said, then he jumped right out, with a few geraniums and soil stuck on the top of his head.

Then, who came running in but... KIROS AND WARD! YAY! And about five minutes later... LAGUNA! BOO!

"Hey!" Laguna yelled, pointing at all of those CRAZY characters. "YOU'RE ALL UNDER ARREST!"

"On what offence?" Aeris asked, making everything go in slow-mo like the Matrix so she could get safely to the bottom. Why aren't any of these people using the stairs or the elevator?

"Okay, FIRST OF ALL, you're all wrecking the mall." Laguna replied, then he pointed to Cloud. "Second of all, you're meant to be looking after your store, and you have loads of customers complaining about your very VERY long lunch breaks! WHY CAN'T ANYONE GET A GODDAMN POTION IN THIS CITY?"

"Uh... Come again?" Cloud asked.

"THIRD OF ALL..." He continued oblviously, pointing to the Villains. "You guys walked away from me! THAT HURT! YOU MADE ME CRY! YOU MADE ME - THE PRESIDENT - CRY!"

Then, he burst into tears. Five minutes later, he continued.

"AND! AAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD! You're villains, too! ONE VILLAIN IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT FOUR OF THEM?"

"Hey, Seph." Cloud said, waving.

"Hiya!" Aeris also said, waving too.

"Uh... Hey guys..." Sephiroth replied, wondering why they were on such good terms with him... ANYWAY!

"AHEM!" Laguna yelled. "FOURTH OF ALL, YOU PARKED YOUR ELECTRIC CAR OVER THE LINE!"

He pointed back to Cloud.

"Uh... Yeah, well... It's an automatic parking system." He said.

"FIFTH OF ALL, YOU FIVE TOOK PART IN PROFESSOR ODINE'S AGE-CHANGING EXPERIMENT!" Laguna continued, now pointing towards Selphie, Tidus, Yuna, Rikku and Paine.

"True..." Auron said, appearing in his sunglassess-less Kingdom Hearts-ness.

Laguna then pointed to him.

"SIXTH OF ALL, YOU WERE A SUMMONING OF HADES! THAT'S BAD!"

"True..." Auron repeated himself, but in a different tone.

"SEVENTH OF ALL, YOU TWO KILLED YUFFIE! SHE WAS MY EXECUTIVE SECRETARY OF... EXECUTIVE SECRETARYNESS!" Cried Laguna, pointing now to Aeris and Squall.

"I find that hard to believe." Squall said, raising an eyebrow.

"IT'S TRUE! SHE HAD ONE DAY UNTIL RETIREMENT!"

"I find THAT hard to believe." Aeris argued, manually raising an eyebrow since she couldn't actually raise one.

"Well, uh, WHATEVER! You're ALL going to court! ALL OF YOU!"

So, let's just skip ahead to court! WOO! First of all, they dealt with Squall and Aeris.

"Squall Leonheart and Aeris Gainsborough..." Kelk Ronso said, since he was the judge. "You have been found guilty of the murder of Yuffie Kisaragi. True?"

"Well, we HAVE been found guilty of the murder, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE DID IT!" Aeris replied.

Lionel Hutz, the dude that is always the lawyer for the Simpsons, came forward.

"Your honour, I have found evidence that supports the fact that Yuffie Kisaragi committed suicide! 100!" He said.

"And what is that?" Kelk asked. "Present your information!"

"Uh... Well, she WAS the President's exectutive secretary of absolutly nothing!" Hutz said.

"Okay, case closed, no need for the Jury." Kelk said. "I find these two NOT GUILTY!"

"WOOHOO!" Aeris yelled.

"Yay." Squall said dully, since he didn't really care.

Lionel Hutz screamed in absolute joy, and ran out of the court room like a maniac. Aeris and Squall sat down, and Laguna bashed his head against the table he was sat at.

"Okay... Our next case... Cloud Strife and his abuse of his shop and automatic parking system." Kelk announced.

Cloud walked up to the stand.

"Cloud Strife..." Kelk said, leaning over. "Apparently you own a shop in the Esthar department store. True?"

"Yeah." Cloud replied.

"Then, what do you sell?"

"Well, your honour, I am the ONLY person in Esthar that sells Potions, Phoenix Downs, Hi-Potions, Ethers, Antidotes, Softs, Echo Screens, Eye Drops, Tents, Fuel and Mentos!" Cloud said proudly, as if it were a commercial. Then he looked at the screen. "That's right everyone - THE FRESH MAKER!"

"This is NOT an advertising agency!" Kelk roared in his Ronso-ness.

Then Cloud immidetly shut up.

"Y-Yes your honour! I-I mean... NO YOUR HONOUR!" He whined.

"Well, let's just go to the witnesses. Electric Car?" Kelk asked.

Then, the Electric Car came chugging in at the speed of a snail. After about ten minutes, he got to his stand.

"Cloud is a MEAN, ABUSIVE driver!" The Electric Car said. "He threw up out of my window!"

The whole court then gasped.

"Oh, YEAH! Tell the whole galaxy!" Cloud said sarcastically.

"NEWS FLASH!" A Press Reporter yelled, running in randomly. "CLOUD STRIFE THREW UP OUT OF A CAR WINDOW! THE WHOLE ENTIRE FINAL FANTASY GALAXY KNOWS!"

Cloud rolled his eyes.

"Oh for the love of..."

"Okay, you can go now, Electric Car." Kelk said.

Then, the Electric Car chugged off at the speed of a snail.

"Our next subject for this case is Vincent Valentine." Kelk continued once the car had gone.

Then, Vincent jumped down onto the stand like he was Vince-- Oh... Wait...

"Your honour..." He said. "I am much obliged to say that Cloud Strife is a good friend of mine. But, I must add, that in Kingdom Hearts, he wasn't JUST cosplaying me. He was cosplaying me BADLY."

"Are you really obliged to say Cloud Strife is a good friend of yours?" Kelk asked.

"Your honour, I have no idea what the hell I am talking about." Vincent admitted.

"Uh, your honour..." Cloud said. "Vincent Valentine not ONLY tried to steal Aeris from me, but he ALSO tried to steal TIFA away from me, too! He doesn't want me to be happy!"

"What does that have to do with it?" Vincent asked.

"Uh... You like my girls?"

"I have too many fangirls. I have to get rid of them somehow. Lucrecia didn't seem to do so."

"That's because she's dead and stuff... You know... INSIDE..."

"True enough... Fine, I'll meet you halfway. You can have Tifa. I can have Aeris."

"No. I want Aeris!"

"Fine, you can have Aeris, I can have Tifa."

"...NO! I want Tifa... No, WAIT! I want Aeris! ...WAIT! YOU CAN'T HAVE EITHER! YOU'RE A SECRET CHARACTER! You should have YUFFIE instead!"

"Yuffie's dead, and I HATE YUFFIE! ARGH! Those SICK people who were SICK ENOUGH to write YUFFITINES! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Excuse me." Kelk said. "We have a case to solve here. Vincent Valentine?"

"Yes, your honour?" Vincent asked.

"You are dismissed."

"Cool."

Then Vincent jumped up into the shadows of the ceiling, never to be seen... For a while.

"What does the jury think?" Kelk asked.

"Not guilty." Jury Person 1 said.

"Not guilty." Jury Person 2 said.

"Not guilty." Jury Person 3 said.

"Not guilty." Jury Person 4 said.

"GUILTY!" Laguna yelled, waving his arms about manically.

"President Loire. You are not part of the jury." Kelk said.

"...Well... I tried." Laguna sighed, sitting back in his seat.

"Well, I declare Cloud Stife GUILTY because I am the judge an I can do whatever the HELL I like!" Kelk said, and then he banged the gavel. "Case closed."

"SHIT!" Cloud shouted. "Oh God...! WHAT DO I DO?

Then Security pulled him off of the stand and dragged him out as he yelled 'NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' Midgarwood style.

"Okay. Next up, Sora the Surnameless One." Kelk said.

Sora walked up onto the stand, but then he was too small to see over it. So, some dudes came and put books under his... Very large feet.

"Hey-hey!" Sora said, waving his Keyblade about.

"WHY DOES HE HAVE A WEAPON?" Kelk yelled.

"Uh, we tried to take it off him, your honour, but it kept teleporting right back into his hand!" One of the Security dudes said.

"Oh... THESE TRIALS ARE IN SHAMBLES!" Kelk sighed. "Right, Sora isn't guilty..."

"WOO! GO ME!" Sora excalimed, then he danced like a maniac as he left the stand, singing. "WHEN YOU WALK AWAY, YOU DON'T HEAR ME SAY... PPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, OH BBBBAAAAAAABBBBBBBYYYYYYYY... DON'T GO!"

Kelk looked at his list.

"Okay, bring on Kuja the Crossdresser."

Kuja walked up to the stand in his cool Kuja walk.

"Kuja... Uh... You're not guilty."

"Super!" Kuja said, and then walked RIGHT OFF!

"Okay... A REAL case. Ahem... Please come to the stand... Sephiroth... The OTHER Surnameless One."

Sephiroth then walked up to the stand.

"Sephiroth, you have been found guilty of murder more times than anyone else. Please take a seat, whilst we tie you to the chair with Eez-E-Break Dental Floss."

"I SELL THAT TOO!" Cloud yelled, poking his head around the door. Then he was pulled back.

"NO!" Sephiroth yelled. "You can't tie me to a chair! Where the hell's my lawyer! I DEMAND A GODDAMN LAWYER!"

"Hey Seph!" Loz said, standing next to his stand. "I'm your lawyer!"

"OH MY GOD! OMGDIHFJAWSDJKAWJREKFJO!1111!y341862431738eyqjugfw3i5hjt9!" Seph yelled, and then he released a very powerful Thundaga on Loz.

But, fortunatly, Loz had equipped Thunder-Proof armour. It's logical! No, actually, it's not. He just happened to be wearing Thunder-Proof armour.

"Hehehehe! That tickles!" He chuckled.

"Loz. Go away. I hate you. I hate Kadaj, I hate Yazoo, I hate YOU. You are the poorest excuse for a lawyer... EVER..."

"But I AM a lawyer!" Loz grinned.

"...Then... DENY EVERYTHING!" Sephiroth said, before some heavily armoured dudes pulled him into a chair and tied him to it with Eez-E-Break Dental Floss.

"Are you Loz?" Kelk asked

"No!" Loz said, because Sephiroth told him to DENY EVERYTHING!

"But... Uhh... You are his registered lawyer...?"

"No!"

"...Is Sephiroth sane?"

"No!"

"...Are YOU sane?"

"No!"

"...Hmm... Slight problem."

"No!"

"I wasn't--"

"No!"

"Secur--"

"No!"

"...ity?"

"No!"

Then, security came and took Loz away.

"NO!"

"Okay... I'm pretty much fucked." Sephiroth said. "Guilty, your honour?"

"Yes. Guilty." Kelk said, banging his gavel. "Case, clo--"

And then... Who came running in but... Zell, Irvine, Quistis and Rinoa! YAY!

"STOP!" Quistis yelled. "These trails are illegal! That Ronso is not a real judge! He is just another Maester of Yevon they said COULD be judge for a while!"

"Yeah! And Laguna isn't even the REAL President of Esthar!" Zell shouted.

"Yes he is." The other three said.

"...Well, I STILL FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE!" He cried.

"Ah, it's true!" Laguna admitted shamfully. "I WAS OVERTHROWN!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AND HE KILLED HIS WIFE!" Kiros yelled, following the SeeDs in (well, they were following Rinoa too... But since she's not a SeeD, I guess she doesn't count...), along with Ward and Ellone.

"YEAH! YOU KILLED RAINE, YOU MOTHER--" Ellone began, but then the Final Fantasy version of SWAT an the Matix all jumped in and messed up the trial.

Anyway, all those on trial managed to escape. Even Sephiroth, who found that the Dental Floss really WAS easy to break... So, then, they all ran to the great plains of Esthar.

"Phew..." Aeris said, relieved.

"Wait a minute." Kefka said, since he hadn't said anything for a while. "Weren't we supposed to get that watch fixed?"

"Oh yeah." Kuja said. "We should go back!"

"Wait... You need a watch fixing?" Cloud asked. "Hey, that's a coincidence! I fix watches! I'll fix it right here, right now!"

"Are you sure?" Kuja asked, taking the watch out of his pocket. "Because, you know, I don't really trust good guys..."

"It's fine..." Cloud replied, receiving the watch, and then taking the back off to tweak it.

**GAVE KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH TO CLOUD**

"Hey, Cloud, since when could you fix watches?" Sephiroth asked.

"Since I learnt, dumbass." Cloud replied. "Why? Are you ASKING for a fight?"

"Not really..." Seph said, scratching the back of his head. "We fight enough, don't you think?"

IT'S TRUE! Almost EVERY time Cloud encounters Sephiroth there's a fight... Or, a fight against Jenova, at least. Now, I'm pretty sure those boys wouldn't fight over something as petty as watch repairing skills... Tsk, tsk, tsk...

"Yeah, well, I'm not fighting another Jenova thingy or another SHM either!" Cloud said, and then he took something out of the watch. "Ah! Here's your problem! There was something stuck in one of the cogs. It works now... I think..."

Then, he put the back on, and handed it back to Kuja.

**OBTAINED KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH**

"What was in the watch?" Seymour asked.

"I don't know..." Cloud replied, looking at it. "It's probably just a... TINY MUTANT SPACE MONSTER! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

He threw it over the horizon, never to bother them again with it's creepy-ness... If it was creepy. Unless it was really cute and only Cloud thought it was creepy.

"Well, bye losers." Squall said, seeing as they were villains and the others were good guys. IT MADE SENSE!

Then, the big hoard of Kingdom Hearts good guys walked off. The villains looked around the plains, and then saw another random portal back to Ultimecia's castle.

"Well, that's it! We can go to Zanarkand now!" Seymour said in his ritzy voice as they walked towards the portal. "Then, it'll all be over, right? We can get out hair stuff, and that'll be the end of everything..."

But, little did they know... It might NOT have been THE END of EVERYTHING! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Anyway, they all made it back to Ultimecia's room safely.

"Hello, all." Ultimecia said, flating down again from her big chair. "Did you get my watch fixed?"

"We did!" Kuja said, and then handed the watch to her.

**GAVE KEY ITEM: ULTIMECIA'S WATCH TO ULTIMECIA**

"Good, good!" Ultimecia said. "Right, the past, boys?"

"Yes." Kuja confirmed.

"Okay, then. Where to?"

"Zanarkand." Seymour said. "One thousand years in the past."

"Alright. Time kompression..." Ultimecia said. "Zanarkand, one thousand years in the past."

Then, everything went white, and the time compression began... And this chapter... ENDED! JUST LIKE THAT! HAHAHAHAHA!

**BASS IT!**

No more questions for the FAQ? No? Don't you wanna be my friend? (Tearful eyes). I really do need them. Anyway, I'm really sorry this chapter was so lame. And I'm also sorry that Ultimecia didn't join them! Lé sigh... Well, she might join later. She might be one of those crazy characters that appears before they join. Just like Liete in Grandia! Except she appeared right at the beginning of disc 1, and after many CRAZY adventures, joined in the middle of disc 2. Everyone loves that crazy Priestess of Alent!

Sephiroth: I have a question! Why didn't I break out of the floss in the first place?

ArcBus: You weren't thinking! You were being illogical.

Sephiroth: 'Ill-odj-ik-ahl'?

ArcBus: Indeed.

Kefka: Why was I barely in this chapter?

Seymour: Same here!

ArcBus: Because Kuja and Sephiroth are more important than you two. But don't get me wrong... You'll come back more NEXT TIME!

Kefka/Seymour: OH JOY!

ArcBus: Readers, keep reading AND REVIEW if you've not already done so! Let's get some QUESTIONS, please! I'm still using the SHM KILLFEST threat! WOO!

Loz: No!

ArcBus: Loz... Go away.

Loz: No!

Sephiroth: STOP DENYING EVERYTHING!

Loz: ...No!

ArcBus: Okay, now let's REALLY **BASS IT!**


	6. To Zan Arc Hand

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

ALTERNATE DANCE SCENE/ENDING FOR FFVIII:

"Hey, you're the most attractive guy here." Rinoa said. "Dance with me."

Squall just took another sip of his drink and turned away again, but then he realised he had finished his drink, so he put the glass on the nearby table and tried to walk off, but Rinoa grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the dancefloor. But, strangely enough, Cloud then appeared.

"Hey Squall!" He said. "I'm looking for Aeris, have you seen her?"

"Cloud? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE? Your Final Fantasy's finished!" Squall yelled. "Besides, Aerith is dead!"

"IT'S **AERIS**, YOU IDIOT!" Aeris yelled from the other side of the hall, ABOUT to throw her staff when suddenly Cid VIII stopped her.

"Excuse me Miss, why are you here?" He asked.

"I'm Squall's third cousin twice removed's daughter's sister's second cousin." Replied Aeris. "Don't you think I wanted to see him on such a WONDERFUL occasion like this?"

"But, if Squall has relatives... Then... Why was he put up for adoption?" Cid VIII asked.

"Uh... No one... Really... Liked him that much!"

"CID!" Edea yelled, throwing multiple Firagas at him for no apparent reason.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cid VIII yelled in pain.

"Hey, Cloud." Vincent said, jumping down from the shadows.

"Hey, Vincent." Cloud said. "How is everything? The fan girls backing off?"

"Yup. Everything's been great since I got Kinneas as my bodyguard."

"Why hello there, lil' Miss!" Irvine said, sliding over to Aeris. "You look like you're new 'round here. Why don't I give you the grand tour... ...OF MY BEDROOM?"

Aeris just shook her head and walked away quickly.

"W-Well this isn't helpin' my self-esteem issues at all!" Irvine said sadly.

Then there was a big uproar of 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...' from the crowd.

_NOTE: That was the longest pre-fic story... Like... EVER. Okay, some mistakes made. Lessee... Well, Yuna, Rikku and Paine, in KH2, aren't young like Selphie and Tidus. They're... Well... Sprites. They fly. And Paine is the thrid One Winged Angel. If that doesn't make sense... PLAY THE GAME! They probably are younger than in the origonal. Maybe they're under a spell and Sora has to help reverse it? Oh well..._

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy and it's related characters or Kingdom Hearts. Both are owned by Square. I do not own the song real Emotion. That is Koda Kumi's song. The cover is covered by Jade from Sweetbox. I also do not own Gameshark or the Matrix. All good? Right-o!_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER SIX - TO ZAN-ARC-HAND**

The white light faded, and suddenly, the four villains were in an alley in Zanarkand of a thousand years ago. It practically looked like Zanarkand when Tidus lived there. (cough)DREAM WORLD!(cough). It's a pretty snazz city, except Tidus doesn't live here. No, because it's the REAL Zanarkand! WOO!

So, instead of Tidus, Shuyin lives here.

"Okay. We need to find that Shoo dude..." Sephiroth said. "We'll split up again."

"How do we split up this time?" Kefka asked.

Seph thought long and hard... For a while... And then he came up with a BRILLIANT solution!

"Well, my name begins with an S, as does Seymour's, so I'll go with him. Your name begins with a K, as does Kuja's, so you can go with him!"

Wow, Sephiroth. How LOGICAL of you to have figured THAT ONE out! Actually, he was logical enough to know that Seymour knows what Shuyin looks like. And, if he went with him, he'd be able to find him. He just made it look like he inintially thought... GETTIT? INTITIALLY? AS IN... INITIALS? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!

So, anyway, they split up again, and went searching around Zanarkand. By the way, the portal back to Ultimecia's Castle was there, randomly placed in that alley.

"Let us go find Lady Yunalesca." Seymour said in his ritzy tone.

"...Who the hell's she?" Seph asked, seeing as he knew absolutly NOTHING about Spira OR Zanarkand.

"Lady Yunalesca was the first Summoner."

"And that helps us... How?"

"It doesn't really. But she might knew where Shuyin is."

"Okay. Where's 'Yoo-Nah-Less-Cah', then?"

"... ...Well... I... Uh... Don't actually know..."

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW? Argh... Okay, okay, OKAY! Let's try to think of a way around this..."

Seeing as Kef and Kuja were actually just asking random people on the streets, they were having more luck.

"Excuse me, Miss?" Kefka asked. "Do you know someone called Shuyin?"

Now, THIS is a developing story plot!

"Yes. In fact, I do." Lenne replied.

"Woo-HOO!" Kuja excalimed. "Okay, like, SCORE!"

"Why? You're not gonna try and sell any trash to him, are you?" Lenne asked. "Because if you are, I'm gonna have to kick your asses!"

"Oh, no. We just wanna see him about some hair stuff." Kefka replied.

"YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND SELL HIM HAIR STUFF?"

"Uh... No... No! That's not it at all...!"

"YOU DARE TRY TO SELL HAIR STUFF TO MY SHUYEE-WUYEE! HE HAS LOVELY HAIR AS IT IS! I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"

"A duel...?" Kuja asked, raising an eyebrow.

"YES! A DUEL!" Lenne yelled overdramatically, and then she dragged them into an arcade and to a Dance Machine. "A DANCE CONTEST!"

Of course, this is unfair, because dancing and singing is Lenne's element. But, she didn't really seem to care.

"A dance contest?" Kefka excalimed, backing away. "Uh-huh...! I'm leaving this up to you, Kuja!"

"Really?" Kuja said, confident. "Super! I, like, TOTALLY accept!"

Lenne blinked. She didn't even stop to THINK that KUJA was good on Dance Machines! But no matter, since she was wearing her Songstress outfit and she was simply the BEST dancer in the WHOLE of Zanarkand EVER and there was NO WAY she could lose.

"Alright, then." She said. "I'll make a deal with you. If you beat me at this, I'll take you to Shuyin. But, if I win, you must leave Zanarkand and never bother me or my darling Shuyin EVER AGAIN!"

"Deal!" Kuja said, taking the dance stage on the right.

"DEAL!" Lenne said, taking the dance stage on the left.

Wow... Kuja Vs Lenne on a Dance Machine...! What are the odds of that ever actually happening? Anyway, they slotted some Gil into the machine, and Kefka just walked off to find the Mog's House game. He was getting good at it! They pressed START to begin.

"Your choice of song." Said Kuja, OVERFLOWING with CONFIDENCE!

Lenne smirked, and chose... Get this... real Emotion! ARGH! That bitch just ain't playing this game fair.

"Okay, all done." She said, pushing the START button again.

"3...2...1...GO!" The machine counted down.

And then, that crazy Songstress and the evil Crossdresser began to hit PERFECT on every move! Wow! Anyway, just say it was all around PERFECT, and people began to crowd around, because they were setting the HIGH SCORES! WOW! Anyway, Kefka was now playing on Mog's House. If you don't know what that is, visit the Gold Saucer's Wonder Square in FFVII. It's the big game that looks like a Moogle's head.

"C'mon Mog! FLY! FLY, YOU STUPID MOOGLE!" He yelled, releasing multiple Kupo nuts at that not-so-aerial Moogle.

"KUPO!" Mog said, but he couldn't fly, and it was GAME OVER.

"Ah, HELL NO!" Kefka screamed, but then he found he had... THE FIFTH HIGH SCORE! YAY! "Wow. Fifth Place. That's the highest I've ever got!"

So, he was happy with his personal best. Just so you know, the four above his were all labled CLO, since Cloud is the only other person that is sad enough to play Mog's House. Top Ten: CLO, CLO, CLO, CLO, KEF, CLO, CLO, AER, CLO, SQU. So, okay, maybe there was a Kingdom Hearts party in Zanarkand... Ha...

So, anyhoo, Kuja and Lenne were STILL hitting ALL PERFECTS! What do you expect? Kefka then came over to the Dance Machine to see how they were doing.

"Wow..." He said, amazed at all the PERFECTS.

It was too evenly matched! DEAR LORD! Now, let's end it with a cliffhanger, as we go to Sephiroth and Seymour, who, after going to the crazy Blitzball dome and drawing information from lots of random people, had found where Yunalesca lived. In a big crazy Zanarkand mansion! WOO! Anyway, they were just stood on her doorstep, and after ringing the doorbell many times, Yu Yevon came to the door.

"Hello, good sir." Seymour said. "Is Lady Yunalesca in?"

"NO!" Yu Yevon yelled, and slammed the door.

Seymour rung the doorbell again. Yu Yevon came to the door again.

"Pardon me, sir." Seymour said. "But do you know where someone named Shuyin is?"

"NO!" Yu Yevon yelled, and slammed the door again.

"...Well, that was a complete waste of time." Sephiroth said, and he turned and walked away from the mansion.

Seymour was about to follow, when Yunalesca came through the gates.

"Oh. Salesmen." Yunalesca said, and then tried to get to the door. "How many times have I told you - I'm NOT going to buy your crap!"

"Lady Yunalesca?" Seymour asked. "I was just wondering if you know where someone is?"

"...NO!" Yunalesca said, and then went inside.

Sephiroth looked at Seymour.

"Like I said, that was a complete waste of time." He said, then exited through the gates.

Seymour sighed, and followed him out.

"I hope Kefka and Kuja are having better luck than us..." He said.

And that's our cue to go back to Kuja and Lenne's battle. They were still hitting PERFECTS, until Kuja tried to put Lenne off by pulling off very cool, unrequired dance moves. Some of the people watching went 'OOoooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh', and applauded.

**Lenne LIMIT BREAK**

"Oh shit..." Kuja said as those HORRIBLE words flashed up. It wasn't even... Correct! It should have been OVERDRIVE, but... Nah, what the hell.

"NOBODY UPSTAGES LENNE!" She boomed in a malicious voice alot deeper than her own, and then everything went red and she hit ALL the Bonuses! OMG! Her score increased like mad!

Then, the song came to an end, and as you've guessed, so did Lenne's LIMIT BREAK. Final Scores: LEN - 21377487213648436586186826 KUJ - 15000. Lenne had also set the High Score! Kuja had set the second highest.

"See. I won." Lenne said, jumping off the Dance Machine. "So now, you have to leave Zanarkand, and never return for my Shuyee-Wuyee!"

All the people watching (except Kefka) crowded around, since Lenne is a very popular Songstress.

"My, my, Lady Lenne!" Maechen said, also part of the crowd. "T'was a difficult battle, but you pulled through with beauty and grace, as always."

"Thank you, Maechen." She said, a big smile pasted on her face.

Kefka almost had to excuse himself to puke because of all the sickly praise she was getting. But, he just went up to Kuja, who was jumping off the machine sadly. And then there was one of those Final Fantasy and RPG in general angsty moments.

"I lost..." He said, hanging his head in shame. "I've let everyone down. I let you down, I let Sephiroth down, and Seymour, too. Now we'll never be able to find Shuyin!"

Then, Nobuo Uematsu appeared randomly, with a violin, playing a very sad solo on it. Kefka then looked over at Lenne, and saw something up one of her blue sleeves. It was shiny, and glistening. It was an arc shape, kind of, peering out from her sleeve as if it were a... CIRCULAR SHAPE.

"Wait a minute." He said, as Nobuo's violin faded out. "Is that... What I think it is?"

Kef walked through the crowd, pushing to the front.

"Hey... Lenne, is it?" He asked.

"Yeah?" Lenne replied.

He grabbed her wrist.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She yelled.

The crowd all gasped, and wondered what he was doing.

"I'm not gonna hurt you... BUT..." Kefka said, and then he pulled from her sleeve... A DISC! "Behold the wonder of the magical disc of GAMESHARK CODES!"

The crowd then all gasped again, and Lenne looked around innocently.

"Uh... How did that get there?" She laughed uneasily.

Kefka just stared at her, and let go of her wrist.

"Eheheheh... Hehehe... Heh... Heh... Hehehe... OKAY! OKAY! I CHEATED!" Lenne admitted. "I was never a good dancer. I failed miserably in dance school! So, I bought a Gameshark, and it made me a better dancer! That was what I wanted!"

"But, you know, cheating isn't right." Kefka said. "Unless it's to unlock secret stuff."

"...I know..." Lenne said shamefully.

"Does that mean... I win?" Kuja asked, walking over.

"Yeah..." She said. "And I'll take you to Shuyin, too."

"ALRIGHT!" Kuja excalimed, and then Nobuo came over with his trumpet and played the Final Fantasy Victory theme.

WOO-HOO! The Moral of this story is: Don't use Gameshark unless you know how to hide it well from evil krazy klowns! So, anyway, let's divert our attention to Sephiroth and Seymour, who were sat defeated in a bar, drinking their troubles away.

"We'll NEVER be able to find him now!" Seymour cried, after taking another swig of his Matrix Lager. NOT BEER - Lager! "NEVER!"

"Seymour. Shut up. That's all you've said for the past hour." Sephiroth said coldly, before taking a swig of the Matrix Lager. He was previously drinking ArcBus milk. Then, he shuddered. "Uhhh... What the hell is this?"

"It's Matrix Lager." The Bartender said, cleaning a glass. "We're out of milk now."

Seymour took another drink of the Lager.

"WHAT?" Seph excalimed. "You actually LIKE this stuff?"

"Yes." Seymour replied. "It has a lovely bitter taste, yet it has slightly delicate qualities."

Sephiroth just stared at him, because he's illogical and had NO IDEA what the hell he was talking about.

"Uh, whatever..." He said dully. It's not easy when you live off milk to drink lager!

Then, after about ten seconds, a lightbulb appeared over Seymour's head.

"WAIT A MINUTE! I HAVE AN IDEA!" He yelled.

"For what?" Seph asked, because he really wasn't thinking.

"We can go to the Matrix company, and ask if they'll put an advert about Shuyin on their bottles!" Seymour said proudly, very pleased with his idea.

"Oh my God... That's so stupid it might actually work!" Sephiroth said. "Okay! TO THE MATRIX COMPANY!"

Anyway, their plan was pretty stupid, seeing as how Kuja and Kefka had just been taken by Lenne to her house where Shuyin was. It was Tidus's house on the water. They both lived there, so technically it was Shuyin's house, too.

"SHUUUU-YIIIIIN!" Lenne called for him in the snazzy front room. "There's a weird clown guy and a dancing crossdresser here to see you!"

Shuyin emerged from the kitchen. He looked like Tidus, but was wearing his SHUYIN clothes, and also a frilly pink apron and yellow rubber gloves. WOO!

"Wow? Really?" He asked, in slight disbelief. Who WOULDN'T be?

**SHUYIN**

Aka. Shuyee-Wuyee, Tidus, 'Shadow'

Age: Lessee... Tidus's age... In X-2... 19!

Occupation: Is he a Blitzball player? I dunno... Evil Vegnagun activating dude.

Height: Tidus's height.

Weapon: Sword (and Vegnagun, if you can count that)

I guess you could say, in a way, Shuyin is Tidus's evil twin. There is a connection, but it's not explained in X-2. Play both FFX games, and you'll be able to piece it together.

Shuyin lived in Zanarkand 1000 years ago. Tidus lived in the Zanarkand created as a dream world be the people from Shuyin's Zanarkand who became Fayth on Mt. Gagazet. Hence, the Fayth there made people who were somewhat like the people in the real Zanarkand. Tidus was created from Shuyin. At least, that's what I think. And so, that is the connection.

Anyway, Lenne once became a Summoner, and in the machina war between Bevelle and Zanarkand, she was sent to the front lines to fight. Shuyin wanted to save her life, so he did the very stupid thing of going to Bevelle and searching the labyrinth, until he found... VEGNAGUN! GASP! He tried to activate it, but then Lenne came and stopped him, and then they ran through the many corridors of Bevelle until they went... All the way... back... To Vegnagun... WTF? Ayway, the warrior monks came and shot them. Lenne was killed but then Shuyin was taken captive and died later.

Kimahri was walking around Gagazet, when he came across a sphere of Shuyin. To his surprise, he looked like Tidus, and what he said on the sphere sounded like him, too. So, he gave the sphere to Rikku, who went to Besaid and showed it to Yuna. Yuna wanted to find more, so she went with Rikku and Paine and the rest of the Gullwings on their crazy sphere mission, yada, yada, yada, you know the story. Anyway, Shinra, with no connection to the Shinra of FFVII, made the sphere into a dressphere. A dressphere of Lenne's Songstress outfit. And so began the crazy mission to save the world from the shadow of Shuyin that possessed Baralai and wanted to activate Vegnagun.

When the Gullwings trashed Vegnagun, Shuyin jumped out and detached himself from Baralai. Yuna spherechanged, and tried to trick him into thinking she was Lenne so he could go in peace. But... BUT...! He saw through it, and so began the... FINAL BATTLE! Which was pretty pathetic. Need I remind you that Shuyin's special moves are Tidus's Overdrives, just with different names? Spiral Cut became... Spiral... Uh... Slash, I think. Slice and Dice became Hit and Run. I forgot what Energy Rain became... Uh... Huh... And Blitz Ace became Terror of Zanarkand. I know that Shuyin was alive and using his moves before Tidus, but... Tidus was in the earlier game... ARGH! Well, whatever. I just practically reflected on X-2, so I'll just get back to the story now...

"You're Shuyin?" Kuja asked. "Wow... You look just like Tidus McCrisis!"

"...Who's he?" Shuyin asked.

"Oh, uh... No one. Never mind." Kuja said.

"Well, I'll be in the bedroom, painting my nails!" Lenne said cheerfully. "Now, Shuyin, I want those dishes SPARKLING when I come out!"

"Yes, dear..." Shuyin said dully.

Lenne skipped off into the bedroom, and Shuyin sighed.

"Sorry, do you mind if I finish the dishes?" He asked. "I kind of... Have to..."

"Go ahead." Kuja replied.

They all just went into the kitchen, since that would be easier.

"So, who are you guys?" Shuyin asked.

"We're villains from other Final Fantasies." Kefka said. "I'm Kefka, from VI."

"I'm Kuja, from IX." Kuja said (well... Who ELSE there would say that?).

"Ah... As you probably know, I'm Shuyin from X-2." Shuyin said. "And, umm... Why are you here?"

"We're looking for someone who stole the Evil hair products." Explained Kuja. "A man named Seymour said you were a suspect."

The plate Shuyin was holding dropped from his hand and smashed.

"Evil... Hair products?" He gasped. "P-Please... Don't remind me! My hair is lifeless and flat without my Evil wax! It's... Becoming... UNEVIL!"

"Oh, so, you were affected too?" Kefka asked. But that was fairly obvious.

"Yeah! I mean, well, I tried to buy some from someone who came to the door, but Lenne sent them away!"

"WHAT?" Kuja excalimed. "Someone was selling Evil hair products door-to-door?"

"That's right." Shuyin replied.

"What did they look like?"

"I... Can't say, really. They were wearing a black cape and a hood. A disguise, of course."

Kefka and Kuja exchanged glances. You know where this is going, don't you? So, let's go to Sephiroth and Seymour, who had gone through the Matrix Company, and to the Manager's office.

"Hello. I am the Architect." He said. "I created the Matrix."

"Listen, dude." Seph said quickly. "We just walked up sixty-six flights of stairs. If you do NOT give us what we want, we will kill you."

"Anomily." The Architect said. "Ergo."

"...Argh... Forget it. This was ANOTHER complete waste of time." Sephiroth said, and then left the room. Just as he did, lots of TVs lit up, with his face on all of them.

"Wow. Cool." Seymour said, before he was pulled out of the room by Seph.

Anyway, after going down the sixty-six flights of stairs, they had pretty much given up.

"Our part in this chapter was pointless." Sephiroth said. "Let's just find Kefka and Kuja and go back to the Llama Lady's castle."

"GUYS!" Kefka's voice yelled over footsteps.

Their attention turned to the three of them running in the distance. When they were as a five, Kuja spoke up.

"Look! Look! We found Shuyin!"

"Hey, guys!" Shuyin said, waving. "I heard you're looking for the Evil hair stuff. Well, guess what? Since the story says so, I'm coming too!"

"Are you that... Tidus guy?" Sephiroth asked.

"Uh... No." Shuyin replied. "Who IS he, anyway?"

"No one." The other four said, and then walked off. "It doesn't matter."

He followed them, and soon they were back at the alley with the portal back to Ultimecia's castle. And so, they went in, and were... ...BACK AT ULTIMECIA'S CASTLE! YAY!

"Oh, hello." Ultimecia said, hovering down from her big chair again. "Did you boys have fun?"

No one answered.

"WHOA!" Shuyin yelled in amazement. "This place is cool!"

"...Wait a minute... Who are you?" Ultimecia asked.

"I'm Shuyin, from Zanarkand." Shuyin replied.

"...Are you sure you're not kalled... Tidus...?" Ultimecia asked.

"No!" Excalimed Shuyin, sounding very MUCH like Tidus. "WHAT'S WITH THAT?"

"Nothing." She said. "You'd better be on your way now. I have some random kharacters to torture."

Then, suddenly, Wakka and Cid VI dropped down, hung by random ropes attached to the ceiling.

"OH MY GOD!" Kefka yelled. "SHE KILLED CID VI! WOW! You're the BEST, Ultimecia!"

"Of kourse!" Ultimecia giggled.

So, they said goodbye to that crazy Sourceress, and went out and through the castle (without shortcuts), avoiding random battles. Then, they went down the giant chain, back to Edea's House, got on to the Airship and set off! YAY! So, let's go to the Bridge...

"So ends that adventure." Seymour said. "Where to now?"

"That's all of the Final Fantasy villains we know about." Sephiroth replied. "So, we're just going to have to look somewhere else."

"Do you think it could have been a villain from a different RPG?" Kefka asked. "A RIVAL RPG, in particular?"

"It could be." Agreed Seymour, seeing as THAT would have been LOGICAL. I hope Seph's taking note.

Just then, the Airship phone rang... Again... How many people want to call an Airship?

"Hang on." Sephiroth said, and he walked over to pick up the reciever. "Hello?"

"I know you're alone..." The sinister voice said.

"I'm really not." Sephiroth said. The sinister voice was pretty pathetic now.

"Oh..." The sinister voice said, not sounding sinister now. "Okay... ... ... EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--"

Seph just hung up immidiatly, and returned to the conversation.

"Wrong number." He told the others.

"Okay..." Kefka said, reading a book called 'How To Become A Good Navigator To Help With The Storyline'. "It says here that if I press this green button..."

He pressed a green button.

"We can go to our next story destination!"

And so, they headed for the next story destination. What it is... I cannot say! You'll have to wait for the next chapter! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA!

**BASS IT!**

Okay, okay, I hardly gave you any time to ask questions. But, do ask. The poor, poor FAQ is SO LONELY!

Nobuo: (Plays the sad violin solo)

ArcBus: Any questions, guys?

Irvine: Why do I have self-esteem issues?

ArcBus: Irvine, that's a question you have to answer yourself.

Irvine: (Looks clueless) ... ...

ArcBus: It was in a Flash movie that I do not own, called FFVIII: Tour of Balamb. Okay, anyway, how's about we wrap up this chapter.

Irvine: That'll take alot of cling film...

ArcBus: J-J-J-JUST GET BENT, OKAY? Ja ne. Bass it. The end. WHATEVER!


	7. Not Quite What They Had Expected

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_"Hang on suckas!" Mr. T yelled, reading this chapter as he was driving the T Van. But, it was too early to put in a Mr. T parody here. Foo'!_

_NOTE: Even if you haven't ever played Grandia, I'm sure you'll like this chapter. Grandia is an RPG, alot like Final Fantasy, but with alot of differences, too. Just... Enjoy!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts or their related characters. They are owned by Square. I do not own Grandia or it's related characters. That is owned by Ubi-Soft/Game-Arts. I do no own Fruits Basket, Beyblade or any of the awards like the BAFTAs, Oscars, MTV, Brits. I do not own the song 'Eyes On Me'. Faye Wong owns that... As does Nobuo Uematsu. And... I think that's it. Oh well, if not, you can figure out what I don't own, I hope..._

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER SEVEN - NOT QUITE WHAT THEY HAD EXPECTED...**

Let's recap, shall we? We have most of the Final Fantasy villains travelling around on an Airship, looking for the Evil hair products. The current team consists of Sephiroth, Kuja, Seymour, Kefka and Shuyin. However, they have just left the Final Fantasy Galaxy, and have landed in quite a peculiar adjacent one...

...Behold... THE GRANDIA GALAXY!

"OH GOD NO!" Shuyin yelled. "GRANDIA? TURN AROUND! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!"

"Why?" Kuja asked. "It's probably those guys that stole our stuff anyway."

"...B-But... Grandia's a RIVAL RPG! RIVAL, I TELL YOU!" Shuyin shouted overdramatically.

But, they had already come to the first world. There is no name for this world. Grandia I is what it's usually called. For the sake of it, let's just call it Elencia. That's the name of the New World in Grandia I, but there's also an East Elencia as the final continent (disc 2), so... ELENCIA! YAY! Let's go there now...

"GUIDO!" Justin, that crazy lead character of Grandia I, with a strange mass of spikey red hair yelled to the Italian rabbit. "PLEASE BE MY MANAGER!"

"I can-a not do it!" Guido said. "I am-a too busy!"

They were in Zil Padon, by the way. Land of the Mogay (Italian rabbits), and two other races of foreign animals, including Giraffes! It was destroyed by Gaia, and they were still tyring to rebuild it. Justin wasn't being of ANY help! Much like Sora, he was still overwhelmed by the fact that the Spirit Sword had chosen him as it's Master. Spirit Sword... Keyblade... They're both 'challenged' holy swords that chose fourteen-year-olds as their Masters.

"Hey, look. It's that loser... Keyblade." The Granasaber (Grandia II - Ryudo's Ultimate Weapon) said to Excalibur (A holy sword in general).

"Yeah! I'll bet he'll choose a fourteen-year-old as his Master!" Excalibur laughed.

"Yeah, and what's with that Mickey-Mouse keychain?" Ultima Weapon (FFVII - Cloud's Ultimate Weapon) smirked. "Huh? Huh? What a fag..."

"Don't look now, but it's that OTHER loser, Spirit Sword." Brotherhood (FFX - One of Tidus's Weapons, best WATER sword) chuckled.

"Yeah! I'll bet he'll choose a fourteen-year-old as his Master!" Lionheart (FFVIII - Squall's Ultimate Weapon) said.

Then all the (somewhat) holy swords laughed at the Spirit Sword and the Keyblade. Who both DID choose fourteen-year-olds as their Masters!

"PLEASE!" Justin whined. "I NEED A MANAGER, BADLY!"

"Justin, you are-a not helping with the repairs!" Guido argued. "Now, go-a find Rappino so he can-a help-a me lift this rock. It may-a look small, but it isn't to me-a!"

"Can't I help you lift the ridiculously tiny rock?" Asked Justin.

"NO! You are-a not cut outta for this work-a!" Snapped Guido. "RAPPINO! Go and find RAPPINO!"

"Okay, I'll go find him..." Justin sighed, and then walked off, but not before kicking the tiny pebble across the building site.

Anyway, as he was walking, who did he bump into, but... ... RAPP(ino) AND LIETE! YAY!

"Oh, hello, Justin!" Liete said. "Where have you been? Feena has been looking all over for you."

"I was asking Guido if he could be my manager..." Justin replied. "Oh, and by the way, he wants you to go help with the construction, Rapp."

"DAMMIT!" Rapp excalimed. "Okay... I'll just go tell him that I have to back to Cafu to stop the villagers from bombing Laine, okay?"

Then, he walked off in Guido's direction.

"Liete?" Justin asked. "Can you be my manager?"

"Sure. Why not?" Liete said unenthusiastically. She had NOTHING better to do. She didn't even know what she was managing him for. "Can we just go and find Feena, now?"

"Yeah, okay."

So, the 'Chosen One' and the crazy Priestess of Alent walked out of Zil Padon, when they were approached by... THE VILLAINS!

"Wow. You guys look weird." Justin said.

"Umm... Justin. I don't think that's a good id--" Liete hinted, but then Sephiroth had already thrown Justin into a wall.

When the dust cleared, Justin suddenly adapted to the whole 'Fourteen-year-old Master' thing, jumped up, and skipped over to Seph like he was Sora skipping over to Auron.

"Wow Mister. You're really strong. Are you a hero?" He asked.

"Yes." Sephiroth lied. Actually, Sephiroth was ONCE a hero. But we don't have to go into the detail of that.

"WOW!" Justin exclaimed, since he wasn't all that much of a hero at all himself and he was AMAZED by there actually being a hero infront of him! "So, you're all a band of travelling heroes?"

"That's right!" Kuja said enthusiastically, stepping forward.

"Oh. I'm sorry, Miss." Justin said, as if Kuja was hinting that there was a HEROINE among them. "A HEROINE, as well!"

Then, there was the sound of glass breaking, and Kuja turned all dark and stuff and suddenly there was a blast of energy and he sent Justin flying into the same wall that he just flew into.

"HOW DDDDAAAAARRRRRRREEEEEEEEE YOU?" He screamed.

Liete sweatdropped.

"Uh... Hehehehe... You'll have to excuse Justin. He's a little 'close-minded' for a Chosen One." She laughed, since she's smart and she knew Kuja was a Crossdresser.

"Wow Miss. You're really strong. Are you a heroine?" Justin asked, returning to the group.

"No. I'm the Goddamn QUEEN OF HEARTS!" Kuja yelled, and threw Justin over the wall and back into Zil Padon.

Anyway, back in Zil Padon, Guido had just finished a building, and Rapp had previously got out of the construction work and gone to find Justin and Liete. But, Kuja had catapulted Justin, and he crashed into the top of the building, causing it to collapse. But it's okay. Justin is almost IMMORTAL from the Spirit blessings, and he jumped right back out, unharmed.

"JUSTIN! You-a wreck-a the Children's Hospital!" Guido yelled, rolling up the sheet of blueprints and whacking him over the head with it.

Then, all the sick and orphaned children who were just about to watch the opening ceremony all looked sad, and walked away. Back plains outside, Liete was directing the Villains towards the J-Base, the place where the EVIL guys of Grandia were. To save time, let's skip ahead to them there.

"Oooohh..." Kefka said in amazement, staring at the HUGE base.

"It's not that great." Sephiroth said. "Shinra have better bases than this place."

But, anyway, they went inside, and to the right, up some stairs, into a room, they killed all the guards in the way, went to the right again, along some weird railway ruins, killed some monsters that happened to be down there, and then took an elevator to a honeycomb room. Why was it a honeycomb room? I dunno. It was how the graphic designers made it.

"MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!" Baal laughed overdramtically, his eye almost popping out of it's socket.

"Think this is the guy?" Seymour asked quietly.

"Let's listen..." Shuyin suggested, and then they were all quiet again.

"I FINALLY HAVE IT!"

The Villains all looked hopeful that Baal was talking about the Evil hair stuff.

"I FINALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S LARGEST CUBIC ZIRCONIA!" He cried, holding it up. We all thought it was the Spirit Stone, didn't we?

They all groaned, and then Baal turned around, hugging the giant stone.

"WHO DARES ENTER THE LAYER OF BAAL? MY GUARDS SHOULD HAVE STOPPED YOU!"

"Oooohhh... Sorry, douche. We killed them all." Seph said.

"Douche? YOU **DARE **CALL THE GENERAL - THE SUPREME COMMANDER - OF THE GARLYLE FORCES A DOUCHE?" Baal roared.

"Yup." Sephiroth said promptly, seeing as how he was the General of the Shinra Forces and he can say what he likes, because it was the SAME RANK! HAHAHA!

"I'M NOT A DOUCHE!" Baal cried, wrapping himself around the cubic zirconia and lying on the floor, sucking his thumb.

_'Well, this is easy...' _Seph thought, and then he continued to yell at him. "YES YOU ARE! You're a HUGE douche, in fact, you're the biggest douche EVER!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"YYEEEESSSS! THE BIGGEST DOUCHE IN THE UNIVERSE!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Baal shouted, and then he threw the cubic zirconia to the side (with a smashing sound), and stood up, and whipped out from under his cape... HIS GAIA ARM! OH DEAR LORD!

"Okay." Sephiroth said, his hand on the Masamune. "NOT good."

"YES! GYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! GAIA LORD! GGGAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAA LLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDD!" Cackled Baal, as if he were the evil maniac of the friggin' world... Well, he is in THIS world.

"Wow. Do we have to fight this guy?" Shuyin asked, drawing his sword from his back.

"IT COMES!" Kuja shouted, stepping forward as if he were Paine.

"WAIT! STOP!" Leen yelled, running on and smacking the shit outta Baal using her Icarian powers. "DON'T FIGHT HERE!"

"Foolish ICARIAN!" Baal said, recovering and running towards Leen with his sword.

She tried to move but he was about to attack her but then who came to her rescue but... MULLEN! YAY! Mullen is cool. He's evil, but then he's a good guy, too. But he's still evil. HE'S CLASSED AS A BAD GUY - GET USED TO IT! He blocked Baal's attack.

"I am here, Father!" He shouted. "TO RECLAIM THE WORLD'S LARGEST CUBIC ZIRCONIA!"

He pushed Baal away, and then Leen put her hand on her hips.

"Oh... And to save Leen, too." Mullen said dully.

**MULLEN**

Aka. Colonel Mullen, Herr Mullen, 'Mullen is a jerk', Scary Blonde Soldier Guy

Age: 23

Occupation: Not very evil but still a bad guy Colonel of the Garlyle Forces

Height: I'm gonna have to look this one up...

Weapon: Sword

I decided to have Mullen as the villain instead of Baal. Why? Because I hate Baal more than any other villain ever. He's like... HOJO! Because he's crazy... Which makes Mullen like Sephiroth, because he's cool, a bad guy, and the son of the crazy guy. Baal doesn't even... DESERVE TO BE IN THIS FIC! HAHAHAHA! That's why I'm mocking him. I hate Baal. I hate the psychopathic General. KILL HIM, MULLEN!

Did I mention Mullen has very volumised hair? It's so whooshy... AND BLONDE! It's like Cloud's... BUT LONG! AND WHOOSHY! And did I mention he was Baal's son? Oh yeah. Yeah, I did. So... Uh... A bad point? Well, he goes out with Leen. And she's Feena's twin sister. And she looks like Kadaj... And like Fujin (FFVIII, but when in KH2). Plus, she's only 15, and Mullen's 23. GASP! CHILD ABUSE! No, that's not the right word... PERVERT! No, wait, he's not the pervert... Baal is. Baal is also a dirty old man. The way he treated Feena when he captured her! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! Still... There's like... 8 years age difference... It'd be okay if she was 20 and he was 28 or something like that, but... 15! LEEN IS 15 YEARS OLD! Oh well... At least he didn't fall for Nana, Saki or Mio. That would've been worse! (Okay, so Nana, Saki and Mio are 18, completley cancelling out everything I just said, but do I care? NO! NO I DO NOT!)

"Anyway..." Mullen continued. "The Biggest Douche Of The Universe Awards are about to be held here in... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1..."

And suddenly, the whole honeycomb room changed to a big awards ceremony! YAY! It was the... BIGGEST DOUCHE OF THE UNIVERSE AWARDS! There was sparkly stuff, a stage, MORE sparkly stuff, and a crowd full of people!

"That's ironic..." Sephiroth said, raising an eyebrow.

"Welcome to the Biggest Douche Of The Universe Awards!" Edea said, appearing at the stand on the stage, wearing her Sourceress's outfit and not her Matron one. "I'm your hostess lady, Edea Kramner, and I'd like to take this chance to tell my husband Cid that I WANT A DIVORCE!"

"NO!" Cid VIII yelled from somewhere in the crowd.

"What the hell?" All the other, very confused Cids yelled in utter confusion.

"Now that that's cleared..." Edea continued. "Let's get on with the Awards! Yay! Presenting the award for Smallest Douche of the Universe is my personal **Smallest** Douche in the universe; Sora from Kingdom Hearts!"

Numerous people in the crowd laughed at the joke (if you don't understand, Edea meant that Sora is small and a douche. Gettit now?), and Sora walked on to the stage, and stood on the pile of books placed there.

"Ahem..." He cleared his throat. "The nominees for Smallest Douche of the Universe are... Squall Leonheart, Final Fantasy Galaxy, Planet VIII!"

The spotlight shone on Squall, and he just waved very UNentusiastically, and the crowd applauded. Then Sora continued.

"...Bleep-Bleep The Bleeping Bleeper, Bleeping Galaxy, Planet Bleep!"

Bleep-Bleep was a robot that just bleeped... All day long... He wasn't much of a douche at all! He gained LOTS of applause! More than Squall!

"...Yuki Sohma, Fruits Basket, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth!" Sora continued.

Yuki waved, and Kyo hit his head against a nearby wall. He gained LOTS of applause! More than Squall!

"And finally... Undouchey Undoucherson, Very Undouchey Galaxy, Planet Undouche!" Sora said.

The spotlight went over to a very friendly looking alien, and there was an uproar from the crowd of cheering and whilstling, more applause than Squall, Bleep-Bleep and Yuki got put together!

"And the winner is..." Sora said, opening the gold envelope as Nobuo played a drum roll. "YUKI SOHMA! FRUITS BASKET, MILKY WAY GALAXY, PLANET EARTH!"

"I won?" Yuki excalimed, looking shocked (in a good way), walking up to the stage.

"HE WON?" Kyo excalimed, looking shocked (in a bad way), before continuing to hit hs head against the wall.

On stage, Yuki was presented with the Smallest Douche of the Universe award. Why? He's the LEAST biggest Douche, that's why! You can imagine how gutted Undouchy Undoucherson was! And, you can also imagine Squall's fury.

"Calm down, Squall." Aeris said. "Just because you didn't win this, you could always win the Biggest Douche Of A Boyfriend Of The Universe Award."

"Why? Because I left Rinoa for you, and now I'm treating you like shit?" Squall asked.

"Pretty much. When you said you were taking me on a date to an Awards ceremony, I thought you meant suave ones, like the BAFTAs, or the Oscars, or the MTV awards."

"Aerith, the MTV awards are not 'suave'."

"Stop calling me Aerith! IT'S **AERIS**!"

"Fine. Whatever."

"And the MTV awards are still very, very suave."

"No they're not! If you can call half-naked girls dancing on stage to R'n'B suave, then be my guest."

"...Okay, the BRIT awards, then!"

"...I guess they're more organised..."

Anyway, after Yuki had thanked everyone (except Kyo and Akito, and possibly Shigure), he sat back down, and Sora left the stage and Edea came back on.

"Okay, people." She said. "Our next award is the Smallest Douchette of the Universe. Presenting the award is Paine from Final Fantasy X-2."

Paine got lots of applause as she walked onto the stage. Or maybe it was because Edea was walking of... Nah, couldn't have been...

"Okay, losers. The nominees for Smallest Douchette of the Universe are... Aeris Gainsborough, Final Fantasy Galaxy, Planet... Uh... The Planet."

Aeris waved and got lots of applause. Why? Because she's Aeris.

"...Bleep-Bleep The Bleeping Bleeper Female, Bleeping Galaxy, Planet Bleep." Paine continued, not sounding very excited, as usual.

Bleep-Bleep Female was practically the previous Bleep-Bleep, with a polka-dot ribbon on her head.

"...Leen, Grandia Galaxy, Planet Elencia." Paine said, as the spotlight went to Leen, who got lots of applause too. "And finally, Undouché McUndouche, Very Undouchey Galaxy, Planet Undouche."

And yes, you've guessed it, Undouché McUndouche got lots of applause, yada yada yada, let's see who won...

"And the winner is..." Paine said, opening the envelope as Nobuo played a drum roll again. "Undouché McUndouche, Very Undouchey Galaxy, Planet Undouche."

The crowd applaused. Leen's jaw dropped. Bleep-Bleep Female started crying but then exploded because she's a robot and if robots cry they explode. Aeris just kept stuttering...

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-wh-wh..."

Squall just burst out laughing.

"SO MUCH FOR THAT, EH, AERITH?"

"I can't believe it!" Aeris said.

"Hey, no big deal, right?" Squall asked, putting his hand on her shoulder. "I'll bet you came second!"

"But second's not the winning PLACE!" Aeris whined.

"Wow... Don't get worked up about it... Maybe you can win Biggest Douchette of a Whiner of the Universe!"

"That's not very nice!"

"But it's true!"

Anyway, Undouché spoke in her native tounge that no one (except Undouchey Undoucherson) could understand, so Paine just shoved the award into her... Tentacle... And pushed her off stage. Then, she walked off, and Edea walked back on.

"Our next catergory is the Biggest Yaoi Douche of the Universe. Because of the lack of nominees, there isn't a Yuri one, but YAOI all the same!" Edea said. "Presenting the award is Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo."

She walked off, and Joey Jo-Jo walked on.

"Ahem... Hey everyone!" Joey Jo-Jo said. "The nominees for Biggest Yaoi Douche are... Tyson Granger, Beyblade, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth."

"Uh... Joey?" Someone off stage said. "Tyson Granger is dead!"

"Oh..." Joey said. "Well, looks like there's only 3 nominees then! Lessee... Cloud Strife, Final Fantasy Galaxy, Planet The Planet."

Cloud just shook his head. It's not like he WANTED to be nominated.

"...Second, we have Kyo Sohma, Fruits Basket, Milky Way Galaxy, Planet Earth."

"WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?" Kyo yelled in shock. SHOCK! SHOCK! HORROR! HORROR!

"And finally, Theyaoidouchinator, Yaoi Galaxy, Planet Yaoi." Joey came to the end of the list.

Nobuo began his drum roll again, and Joey opened the envelope.

"And the winner is..." Joey said. "CLOUD STRIFE! Final Fantasy Galaxy, Planet The Planet!"

There was applause. Cloud was pushed to the isle by Aeris, and then he reluctantly walked up onto the stage.

"Did I just win Biggest Yaoi Douche of the Universe?" Cloud asked Joey.

"Yes. Yes you did." Joey replied, handing him the award, then he stepped aside for Cloud to make his speech.

"Okay, everyone. Can you just give me about 5 minutes?" He asked.

Everyone was quiet for 5 minutes whilst Cloud downed over twenty Matrix lagers. Then, once he was drunk enough, he grabbed the microphone. I guess... He didn't want to be sober for the speech.

"I'd like to dedicate my next song to my Yaoi life partner - Aeris." He said, his speech slurred, and his body almost toppling over from the excess of alcohol. "He's rrrrreeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyy hot..."

Then, he broke into singing Eyes On Me, but Edea walked onto the stage with Security, who escorted him off, still singing... Badly... Worse than usual! Joey Jo-Jo had to leave because of fits of laughter. Sephiroth was also in fits of laughter, and having to hold onto Kuja for support from laughing so much. None of the other Villains really found it funny, because they didn't really know Cloud. Aeris was staring at the stage, gaping, and Squall was literally crying and couldn't breath, leaning on her shoulder, laughing with that silent laughter alot of people have. Like me. (Insert silent laughter here).

Anyway, the other awards were... Biggest Douche of A Boyfriend. Squall won that; Biggest Douchette of a Whiner. **Whiny** Houston from Earth won that; Biggest Douche of SquareSoft/Enix. Ansem from Kingdom Hearts won that. He wasn't pleased; Biggest Selling Douche. Why, Michael Jackson, of course; Fattest Douche. Cid VIII. Edea was satisfied. And then, finally, they came to the actual Biggest Douche of the Universe award. Edea presented it. It made sense.

"The nominees for Biggest Douche of the Universe are..." Edea said. "Ursurla Goajokiloparnmapetitchien, Hazelnut Galaxy, Planet Umbrella."

Ursurla was COVINCED that she could win this one.

"...Irvine Kinneas, Final Fantasy Galaxy, Planet VIII!" She continued.

Irvine, of course, thought he was winning Sex God of the year, and grinned, waving his gun in the air. Vincent just shook his head, all the time thinking _'At least he's keeping the fan girls away...'_

"...General Baal, Grandia Galaxy, Planet Elencia!" Said Edea.

Baal just sat in his chair, looking pretty annoyed, as Edea came to the end of the list.

"And finally, Douchey Douche-Douche, Douchey Galaxy, Planet Douche!" She said, as the spotlight hit Douchey Douche-Douche.

Then, Nobuo did another drum roll.

"And the winner is..." Edea said, opening the envelope. "...Why, it's General Baal, Grandia Galaxy, Planet Elencia!"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Baal yelled, as random aliens gave him the award and a wreath and a badge that said 'I'M THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF THE UNIVERSE!'.

The crowd cheered, and Sephiroth had to fight the urge to go up and yell 'TOLD YA SO!' at him. Then Nobuo went up to sing.

"Here he is... The Biggest Douche Of The Universe! In all the GALAXY, there's no bigger DOUCHE than YYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

Baal just shook his head.

"Oh, drat."

Nobuo then sang loads of random Japanese, and Faye Wong came out, along with Priscilla Chee, TamTu Bui and Koda Kumi to sing a very random Japanese song, with the word 'Douche' slotted into it every so often.

Anyway, soon, it just went back to the crazy old honeycomb room.

"Well, I hate to say I told you so, but I TOLD YOU SO!" Sephiroth said. "Now, hand over the Evil hair stuff, before I nominate you for next year's awards, too!"

"What Evil hair stuff?" Baal yelled, getting rid of the wreath and the badge and the award.

"Oh, the Evil hair stuff?" Mullen asked. "You know about that?"

"Wow! It WASN'T anyone in this world!" Kuja said. "Why is everyone a suspect. It'd be easier to look for clues."

"Shut up, Kuja. It's my way or the highway." Sephiroth said.

"Highway." The other four said.

"OKAY! OKAY!" Seph reasoned. "We'll look for clues."

So, anyway, they left, and went back to the Airship that was parked in the Savanna.

"This is taking too long. We're going to start turning good soon, you know that?" Seymour said.

Sephiroth scratched the back of his head. He didn't say anything, because he's too illogical to have thought of something to say. Instead, Kuja said something, in a VERY RPG moment, as the sun began to set over East Elencia.

"We can't give up!" He shouted. "We'll find the stuff soon! I'm sure of it!"

"How can you be sure?" Kefka asked, seeing as how he hadn't said much in a while.

"Well... I... I JUST AM!"

"Hey!" A voice called. It was... MULLEN! Yay...

He approached them.

"If I go with you, will I be able to find my Evil Conditioner?" He asked.

"Probably." Shuyin replied.

"Definatly!" Kuja said, lighting up all of a sudden. "But, you can only come on ONE condition!"

Hahahahahaha! One **CONDITION**! Hahahahahahaha! How FUNNY you are, Kuja!

"What's that?" Mullen asked.

"You give me your volumising tips."

"... ...Deal."

So, Mullen left Leen, much in the same way Shuyin left Lenne, and went with the Villains as the first non-FF Villain aboard that ship. I know he already had the Battleship Lyonlot as his Airship, but I don't care! FOOLS! HAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, I'll bet you're wondering what happened to the crazy non-evil Grandia characters. Well, Justin and Liete NEVER found Feena. Rapp found her in the Zil Desert, eating sand. Guido rebuilt the Children's Hospital, but then Milda was taking part in a Javelin contest in Laine, and... Well... You know... Gadwin, I assume, had absolutely nothing to do with the Douche Awards or this chapter at all. Sue and Puffy didn't, I can tell you that now. Who else... Darlin, Derlin and Dorlin are the three most ridiculously named wise men ever. They're not even men. They're talking bulls. And Darlin is married to Milda. Derlin... Is the most irrelevant one... And Dorlin lost his horn and is in love with Liete and wanted to make a statue of her. Eeeewww... Nicky had almost nothing to do with the GAME, never mind this chapter! Lilly was a pirate, and Java died by walking infront of the train from Parm that can't POSSIBLY go ANYWHERE, because there are NO OTHER towns on Messina! Did YOU see one? That's what I thought! I assume the train just went in a big pointless circle, past the Leck Mines, past random empty grasslands, past the Sult Ruins and Marna Road, and then right back to Parm! ARGH! Who else... Pakon was like... A spoof of Don Corneo... But maybe not as bad. No, no... No... Wait... I dunno! UTTER CONFUSION! ARGH!

I know what we should do...

**BASS IT!**

PLEASE DONATE TO THE FAQ! That means YOU, readers! Leave a review with ANY question you want! I'm being serious, now. The FAQ WANTS question for ArcBus to answer!

ArcBus: Aw, c'mon guys... Please! QUESTIONS! Ask a question! IT CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT! You are entirely welcome to ask any of the characters questions, too! Even BAAL! You can ask BAAL a question! Like... Why is your name like Ball?

Baal: Foolish girl! You challenge my powers?

ArcBus: Yeah... Douche.

Baal: STOP THAT! (runs off crying)

ArcBus: Also ready to answer any questions... THE SHMS!

Kadaj: I'm ready... I'M READY! (jumps around) I'M READY!

Yazoo: I'm not. I'm not sure I want to be part of this story anymore... (Is suddenly locked in a cage) ...Oh, fuck...

Loz: I WANT MY TEDDYBEAR! (starts to cry)

Sephiroth: No, seriously! These guys CAN'T be my clones...! (screams like a little girl)

ArcBus: (Stares at Seph) Uhhh... Well, toodles!

Mr. T: I pity that Suckaroth foo'!

_FURTHER DISCLAIMER: The Biggest Douche Of The Universe Award was a parody of South Park's... Well... Biggest Douche Of The Universe Award. I sure as hell hope you found that funny. I DON'T OWN MR. T! He's from the A-Team. I dunno who owns that... Anyway..._


	8. Similarities

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_"I forgot to ask, Justin." Liete said, as they walked around the crazy Savanna, seeking Experiance Points. "Why **did **you want a manager?"_

_"Well, Liete, that's a very good question." Justin replied, pulling on a black leather jacket. "It's because..."_

_Suddenly, Rock With You popped on it the background, and Justin began lip-syncing to it, adding in Michael Jackson 'hee-heeeeeeeee's every so often. Oh dear... He was going to be a Justin Timberlake impersinator, generally because he was called... Justin. _

_NOTE: Another Grandia chapter. This time it's Grandia II. Yippee! I'm also very sorry that this took a while. Writer's block and other fics. _

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts or their related characters. They are owned by Square. I do not own Grandia or it's related characters. That is owned by Ubi-Soft/Game-Arts. Except Grandia III, which is Square's, too._

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER EIGHT - SIMILARITIES**

The Cursed Land. It has cliffs, or scars. It is the Cursed Land. That is the name of the world. Or, just as easily, you could call it the Grandia II world. There, people worship Granas, the God of Light, or they don't worship anyone at all. Unless they're possessed by a piece of Valmar. Then they worship Valmar.

Our chapter begins in the crazy little village of Carbo. Apart from the St. Heim Papal State, and the little, very unimportant one in Liligue, Carbo was the only place on the vast Grandia II map that had a place of worship in it. It had a little church, where as the St. Heim Papal State had a HUGE CATHEDRAL! Built... FOR GRANAS! Except, then that crazy Pope Zera decided to resurrect Valmar. VILLAINOUS IRONY! GASP!

Anyway, the leading lady of the game - Elena - was singing at the church. She was singing that lovely song that she sung when Ryudo first encountered her! Yay!

"Oh, I'll NEVER get better!" She sighed, even though she's a better singer than... YUNA! GASP! THAT'S AN ACHIEVEMENT!

"What you do not desire will not come, but what you do will float on the wind like a powerless feather towards you." Mareg said.

"EH? MAREG?" Elena exclaimed. "AREN'T YOU DEAD?"

"Indeed." Mareg said, and then poofled away to beast-man Heaven, or wherever he was meant to go. Maybe he'll come back? I don't know...

Anyway, who happened to enter the village but... THE VILLAINS! YAY!

"What the crap?" Kuja yelled. "Mullen, I thought you said you knew where you were going!"

"Well. To tell you the truth, I'm a liar." Mullen said.

"Technically... You can't say that." Seymour said. "If you say that, you're either lying about telling the truth or telling the truth about lying!"

"WHAT?" Everyone else yelled.

"IT'S CALLED LOGIC!" Seymour shouted, his veins popping.

"Ohhh..." Everyone except Sephiroth mumbled, since they had figured it out.

But Sephiroth couldn't figure it out. Say it with me... He's too illogical. Anyway, at that very moment, who popped out of the church but... ELENA! YAY! Who else?

"Oh! TRAVELLERS!" She squealed. "You're lost, right? Lemme help you? RIGHT?"

They all backed away.

"RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?" Elena coerced angrily.

Shuyin hopped forward.

"Well, you know, you can, but we don't exactly know where we're going..." He said.

"OH! Well, you're in the village of Carbo right now! That's the church right back there! Go pray and Granas's light will guide you on your path!"

They all blinked at her. Go... Pray? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Well, no one laughed. They just... Stared.

"Okay, then, maybe I can't help you..." She said sheepishly.

"Only the cheese can turnover." Mareg said, appearing randomly again. He meant, like, a cheese turnover... "You must know that, Elena."

"Whatever." She sighed.

Mareg then poofled away again.

"Wait a minute..." Sephiroth said, suddenly thinking back to FFVII. "You're name's... Elena?"

"Yup." She said.

"And you're blonde?"

"Yup."

"And annoying?"

"Yup."

"And... You're called Elena?"

"Yup."

**SIMILARITY ONE - Elena and Elena**

Turk Elena. Annoying, blonde... And called Elena.

Granas Acolyte Elena. Annoying, blonde... And called Elena.

Are they the same person? Elena from the Turks is probably older than the Grandia Elena. But still... Elena... And... Elena... And... BLONDE ANNOYINGNESS! ARGH! Need I say more?

"Where's my paycheck?" (Turk) Elena yelled.

"Ryudo, stop complaining about your 'paycheck'." (Grandia) Elena yelled, before she suddenly left the CRAZY similarity box and went back to the story plot.

"Blonde... Annoying... And called Elena..." Sephiroth said slowly. He couldn't quite get around that one.

"Well, anyway, you should go to the Island of Garlan!" Elena said, seeing as that was the only thing she could really think of for them to do.

"But, uh, we didn't even tell you wha--" Kefka began, but then suddenly... THEY WERE ON THE ISLAND OF GARLAN! AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH! Stupid scene transitions that just WRECK EVERYTHING!

"O...kay..." Kuja said, looking around, because Garlan isn't exactly a pretty, sunny island with palm trees and beaches and blue skies and the ocean and Phantom Planet breaking into California every five minutes! "This is Garlan, right? We'll just have to trust that Elena girl, won't we?"

Without much choice, they just went into the crazy Garlan village... Until... Suddenly...

"What... The...? GASP! BAD GUYS!"

The group turned to see, with a pallid face, everyone's favourite Grandia lead (we hate Justin, Evann and Yuki) - RYUDO! He drew the Granasaber. I know he buried it, but I don't care.

"You're BAD GUYS! I CAN TELL!"

"We prefer the term 'Villains'." Seymour said in his ritsy voice, swishing his hands about like he did at random intervals in FFX.

"And how the hell did you know, anyway?" Gasped Shuyin, actually sounding pretty damn shocked.

"I have an eye for bad guys. It's natural for the lead character. Oh well... Bring on the..."

**SIMILARITY TWO - Ryudo, Cloud and Their Crazy Love Triangles**

"WHAT THE HELL?" Ryudo yelled as the similarity title appeared.

Cloud. A mercenary. He was decieved by the one person he trusted the most - Sephiroth.

Ryudo. A Geohound. He was decieved by the one person he trusted the most - Melfice.

For those of you who haven't played Grandia II, you may be wondering what a Geohound is. Well, I'll tell you. Geohounds go around, hired by people to do any job. What do mercenaries do? Pretty much the same thing, yeah?

They're mercenaries, lead characters, decieved by the 'trusty' bad guys, and have five letters in their names. You know that much, but let's go into detail with the 'romantic' side of their stories.

Cloud likes Aeris. Aeris likes Cloud. Tifa likes Cloud, but Cloud is more interested in Aeris. Yeah.

Ryudo likes Elena. Elena likes Ryudo. Millenia likes Ryudo, but Ryudo is more interested in Elena.

Gottit? Need I say more? Gah...

"Well, now that that random useless piece of information had finished, I'm gonna kick your asses!" Ryudo yelled loudly, before he got hit by Ultima.

"...Let's just continue." Seymour said after casting that very nasty spell.

So, they did. And then they went up that creepy Grail Mountain, for no apparent reason.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"No." Everyone replied.

"Are we at the top yet?" Shuyin asked.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!." Everyone yelled, and then they drew their weapons.

Shuyin then shut up until they reached the Plateau.

SCENE TRANSITION! On the Plateau...

"So, like, why did we even come up here anyway?" Mullen asked, swishing his swishy hair about.

The others all shrugged, and then suddenly there was a CRASH and a FLASH of THUNDER and LIGHTNING! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OMG! SCAR-EE!

And then nothing happened. And then someone fell from the sky. It was... POPE ZERA! ACK!

"I AM MERCIFUL - TO THE **DEAD**!" He roared, and then laughed manically.

And then, alluva sudden, a big wave of energy pushed him off the cliff. He fell RIGHT off the edge, still laughing as he went to his horrible, horrible second death. Stupid bloody Valmar-reviving bad guy. Everyone looked in the direction of where the wave came from. Standing there, in all his sexy evilness, was MELFICE! YAY! He stabbed his sword in the ground, which, by the way, caused the energy wave, and there was a big line of upturned earth leading from it to the edge of the cliff.

"Fellow villains..." Melfice said cooly.

"WOW!" Shuyin suddenly shrieked. "That was CCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLL!"

He hopped over to him.

"You're a villain too, right? RIGHT?"

"Right."

"OH MY GOD! You're so CCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLL! Can I have your autograph, Mister... Uh... Mister..."

"Melfice."

"MELFICE! Can I have your autograph?"

"Uh... Sure."

So, Shuyin whipped out a pen and a piece of paper, and Melfice signed it. Then, Kuja stepped forward, and smiling very... Flirtatiously... At him.

"Hi!" Kuja said, waving.

Melfice smirked weirdly.

"Hey, how you doin'?" He asked in a very Joey way.

"I'm doing great, how're you doing?" Kuja asked back.

"Umm... Fine."

He couldn't BELIEVE that backfired! ARGH! Anyway, then Seymour and Kefka joined them, and then Mullen to reintroduce himself, because they probably met before at the Grandia Evil convention. Compared to a hypothetical Final Fantasy Evil Covention, there were less fan girls, and more people coming in to ask Ubi-Soft when the next Rayman game was coming out. ARGH! They also went to ask about the Evil hair stuff, because that was important too.

HOWEVER, Sephiroth just turned away and mumbled to himself.

"Meh... I could've done **that**..."

He looked over his shoulder and everyone else was staring at him.

"...WHAT? What do you want?" He yelled. "Losers..."

"We were just wondering... Uhh..." Shuyin said, looking slightly concerned. "If you were alright...?"

Seph began to walk off.

"Hey! W-Was it something I said?" Stuttered Shuyin, looking slightly nervous seeing as annoying Sephiroth could cost him his life. That much he knew in his crazy Tidus-like mind.

Suddenly, Melfice, in all his Goddamn quickness, shot infront of Sephiroth.

"Yeah, was it something he said?" He asked, and turned.

Of course, there is something I forgot to mention about Melfice. He has a pointlessly annoying huge metal horn stuck on his forehead. So when he turned around, Seph kinda had to... Duck.

"HEY! Watch where you're swinging that thing!"

"Make me!"

Sephiroth stood up, and drew the Masamune.

"WITH PLEASURE!"

And then, Melfice brandished his sword... And... Oh my God... Is this? A FIGHT? BETWEEN SEPHIROTH AND MELFICE? OH MY GOD! THIS IS LIKE... AN RPG FAN'S ABSOLUTE DREAM!

"What is that?" Melfice asked, looking at the Masamune. "A toothpick?"

"Yeah... A toothpick that's gonna beat your crappy butter knife."

"Butter knife? You realise my blade and I have brought destruction and suffering wherever we have gone?"

"...Yeah... Well... MY blade and I have brought destruction and suffering wherever we have gone."

They stared at eachother.

"Yeah, well... With MY sword, I was able to kill an innocent woman by stabbing her through the middle!" Melfice yelled.

"Uh... Yeah... I did that, too!" Sephiroth argued.

Looking slightly worried, Melfice thought of something ELSE that Sephiroth couldn't possibly have done!

"I BURNT DOWN AN ENTIRE VILLAGE AND KILLED ALMOST ALL THE INHABITANTS!"

Seph paused, and thought about it.

"Wait... I did that TOO!"

Yes, indeed.

**SIMILARITY THREE - Melfice and Sephiroth**

It's true. These guys are the most similar villains I have ever some across.

First of all, their swords are apparently amazingly destructive with power only they can use.

Second of all, they bring destruction wherever they go. Melfice was described as the 'Demon man of ruination'. Sephiroth was described as... Uh... the 'Man in the black cape' for most of the game, I guess.

Third of all, they both killed innocent women whilst they were trying to save the world from destruction. Reena went to Grail Mountain to stop the Valmar piece there, or something like that. Aeris went to the City of the Ancients to pray for Holy. Both got stabbed, through the middle, by those guys.

Fourth of all, both of them burnt down villages. Melfice went through that random forest and torched Mareg's village. Sephiroth leant about the whole Jenova thing and decided to set Nibelheim on fire. Almost all the villagers in those villages were killed, though in Grandia II many of the people in Mareg's village escaped and went to a plot of land nearby and started a new village, and in FFVII people like Zagan, Cloud and Zack (obviously) and Tifa, and those other dudes who were with Zagan in Last Order survived.

Um... Okay, fifth of all, they are both connected to the lead characters, in the same way, sort of. Melfice was Ryudo's brother, and Ryudo had to kill him. Sephiroth isn't biologically Cloud's brother, but the SHM do call him 'Brother' because of the Jenova cells (in AC, when they are on the bikes, Loz asks Cloud where Mother is, and Yazoo then says 'You're hiding her, Brother'), and so I guess they are in a way. And Cloud had to kill Sephiroth, too. Do you follow? I'm sorry ClouSeph yaoi fans...

Sixth of all, they weren't evil to begin with. Melfice was a repected swordsman, and Ryudo looked up to him. Sephiroth was a respected swordsman and Cloud looked up to him... Whoa... Wuh... WAIT A MINUTE! Then, Melfice became possessed by the Horns of Valmar, and then Sephiroth continued to read the Jenova files 'as if he were possessed by something', to quote Cloud.

Seventh of all, just to remind you that I am very sad and need a life, they are both the sexiest guys from their games. Need I say more?

Like I said, they are the most similar villains I have ever come across. They have scary powerful swords, they bring destruction with them, they stab innocent girls through the middle whilst they're trying to save the world, they burn down villages, they're the brothers of the lead characters, they were once good, respected men, they became possessed (I guess), they're sexy and evil and I need a life.

"Wait a second...!" Seph yelled, reading through all of that. "YOU!"

He pointed at Melfice.

"YOU'RE JUST A HUGE RIP-OFF OF ME!"

"HOW?" Melfice gasped, looking slightly offended.

"Well, okay, my game was created before your's was!"

IT'S TRUE! GASP! Shock horror for poor Melfice! The creators of Grandia II copied the ideas of Final Fantasy VII. Oh. My. Gosh.

"Well, I'll bet you don't have... THREE CLONES!" Melfice roared, then laughed manically.

Sephiroth just stared at him. That was PAST the line! TOO FAR!

"I DO HAVE THREE CLONES!" He yelled.

"Very well, then..." Melfice said, and then he raised his hand and three dudes came running.

Of course, Melfice doesn't have clones. In fact, the dudes that came running... Were just the SHM... With blue wigs on... And wearing spikey clothes.

"I'll bet my clones are better than YOURS!"

"THOSE ARE MY CLONES!" Sephiroth yelled, pointing, because he does actually KNOW who his clones are, even though he's... Illogical. "GUYS? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

"Sorry..." Kadajfice said. "But this guy pays us twice the amount you do."

"I DON'T PAY YOU AT ALL!"

"That's right." Yazoofice agreed. "But, he pays us what you SHOULD pay us!"

"I'M NOT PAYING YOU TO BE MY CLONES!"

"But, you do owe me money from when I was your lawyer..." Lozfice said.

Seph then threw another very powerful Thundaga at Loz, but he was still wearing the thunder-proof armour, and so he was saved.

"...Wha...? ...Dude, I've gotta stop wasting my MP like that." Sephiroth said, looking very blankly at the unharmed Loz. "GAH! ANYWAY, GET OVER HERE!"

"NO!" The SHM yelled. I guess... They're... BHM now.

"I have Mother's head!" He reasoned, raising the Head of Jenova randomly.

"GASP! REUNION!" They cried and leapt forward to hug her head.

Then, they just magically spherechanged into their normal outfits and were back to being the plain old SHM we know and love! AAAAWWWWWWW!

"I LOVE YOU MOTHER!" Kadaj squealed, cradling Jenova's head.

"RRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Mareg yelled, before decapitating Melfice to death with his axe. "YOU DESTROYED MY VILLAGE! YOU DIE NOW!"

They all stared at Mareg.

"Umm... Excuse me?" Seymour asked, after Melfice was dead. YAY! "Who are you, again?"

"I am, Mareg the deceased one and yet, life is but a passing dream, but the death that follows is eternal..." Mareg said, trying to sound like he still had riddles up his sleeve.

"THAT'S **MY **LINE!" Yelled Seymour angrily.

But Mareg had already poofled away again. Everyone just turned their attention to Melfice's corpse.

"Oh well..." Kefka said. "Let's just find..."

"I WANT MOTHER NOW! YOU'VE LOVED HER ENOUGH!" Loz cried like a baby, then broke down and started sobbing.

Kadaj and Yazoo just stared at him, and then the Villains backed away slowly, and went to the next crazy location they were supposed to end up at even though on the map it's no where near Garlan.

It was... THE ST. HEIM PAPAL STATE? Remember that place that I was talking about before? RIGHT BACK at the BEGINNING? Why YES! Indeedy! Here, we will introduce our next Villain. It wasn't Melfice, because he and Sephiroth are probably mortal enemys now. FORGET CLOUD AND RYUDO!

In the Granas Cathedral...

"High Priestess Selene." Zera said in all his Pope-ness. How the HELL did he SURVIVE Melfice's attack? "Why do you want to leave the St. Heim Papal State?"

"Because I want to buy a new Evil hair brush!" Selene said angrily. "But the poor people do not stock them any more, and death is their salvation... ... Anyway, I need to leave on a journey to find the theif! Otherwise, I can't brush my hair!"

"Mmmno." He said bluntly. "No, I need you to do important Valma... I mean... Uh... Granas work here. First thing's first - Go out and buy me a new cushion for my big chairy throny thing in the main hall."

Selene muttered something under her breath, and then stormed out to the big steps of the Cathedral. It wasn't easy being possessed by the crazy creepy Heart of Valmar AND fufilling ALL the crazy evil Pope's needs, WHILST ALSO trying to be a crazy evil person herself AND trying to find an Evil hair brush.

"Where are we now?" Shuyin asked, looking around. "MULLEN? WHERE ARE WE NNNNNNOOOOWWWWW?"

"I lied." Mullen said seeing as he hasn't said anything for practically AGES. "I don't know my way around the Grandia II world. I'm sorry guys."

But no one cared. Then Selene went past murmering...

"Find the... Evil hair stu--"

And then Kefka pinned her to the ground. JUST LIKE THAT!

"EVIL HAIR STUFF? WHAT DO YOU KNOW? TELL ME WOMAN BEFORE I DO SOMETHING INCREDIBLY STUPID AND DRASTIC!"

Of course, that was incredibly stupid and drastic.

"H-HEY!" She screamed.

Sephiroth and Seymour tried to pull Kefka off her. After they managed to, they threw him... Somewhere out of sight. And Kuja went to help her up.

"Sorry about him..." He said. "He's just an idiot."

"Phewf..." Selene said, standing up and brushing herself off. "He's going to be purified by fire when I get around to it..."

**SELENE**

Aka. High Priestess Selene (what is it with Grandia and High Priestesses? First Liete, then Selene!)

Age: (Thinking back) 2...2?

Occupation: High Priestess of the Granas Cathedral, Commander of the Cathedral Knights, Crazy Evil Heart of Valmar lady (is there anything she ISN'T?)

Height: 170... something... cm.

Weapon: Uh... The Heart of Valmar, I suppose... Her knights usually fight for her, but Ryudo and the gang took care of them...

Yeah, Selene's the Villain! Suprising, no? Well, first of all, I felt bad about not putting a female villain in the group. Ultimecia has a profile, but she hasn't yet joined. Second of all, I didn't want to use Melfice, because he and Sephiroth are too alike, and it would be CRAZY to do something like that. Third of all, I didn't want to use Zera, because he's crazy and creepy and OLD and he pretends to be a great Pope of Granas but he tries to revive the EVILNESS of VALMAR! AAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! I hate Zera like I hate BAAL! ACK! Fourth of all, I could've used Millenia, but she isn't all that evil (face it - She's a playable character, and you only have to fight her crazy clone thingy. And she tried to fight back when Zera tried to revive Valmar!). Besides, Millenia would get into cat-fights with Kuja. And we REALLY don't want THAT to happen... (GULP!).

Let's see now... Selene is possessed by the Heart of Valmar, like many other random people across the Cursed Land who are... Uh... Cursed... By Valmar... CRAZY! The others include:

Elena. She was possessed by the Wings of Valmar. The Wings being Millenia - not a weird mutated form in which grueling battles follow as soon as you witness them like the others. Millenia is cool. And she lives as a human after Valmar is defeated. Crazy!

G... Something. The real fat dude from Liligue who couldn't stop feeding his face, whilst all the other townspeople could only eat some kind of sand substance. He was possessed by the Tongue of Valmar, and he couldn't stop... EATING! Go figure...

Aira. She was possessed by the Eye of Valmar (The hardest boss I have ever had to face in any RPG I have ever played. Ever. Yunalesca was a breeze compared to the Eye of Valmar!). She had that little scar above her eye. She was blind and then she became possessed and could see. She liked flowers and... Whu-oh... Another similarity?

**SIMILARITY FOUR - Aira and Aeris**

Flowers. Similar names. Flowers... Well, Aira is alot younger than Aeris... But still. They both are represented usually by FLOWERS! Ack! And their names... AIR! AER! SAME AIR SOUND! And also... When Ryudo and the others first encounter Aira, she's in a field of flowers. And yet, the field is only part of her imagination... I think... When Cloud is on his bike in Advent Children going to the Forgotten City, he finds Aeris in... A FIELD OF FLOWERS! GASP!

Okay, so, Aira's mother Sandra kept making her medicines and praying to Granas when she was blind. The villagers all called her a witch for doing so. Elmyra never did anything like that, but I'm pretty sure Seph called her a witch at some point in Undying Pie. Or maybe he was just thinking it. Hahaha!

Flowers. Air names. Flowers. Witchy Mothers. Flowers.

Anyway, where was I on the list of possessed people?

I THINK the next was the Claws of Valmar. Tio was possessed by that piece. Tio is the final character you get. She is a crazy automated thing who followed Mareg around until he died, and then just went along with Ryudo and Elena hoping to find some way to make her life worthwhile, and all that jazz. She became a nurse after the game. Woo!

Then there was Melfice. He was, as I probably DID mention before, possessed by the Horn of Valmar. And then he passed it onto Ryudo, and he went into the crazy place where they met Elmo, who was like Tio but... ELMO! Like on Sesame Street! But, as you know, that kid's TV show would be WA-A-AY different if Elmo replaced... Elmo. Anyway, crazy place... And then he went throught the Valmar thing and got struck by lightning and drowned in magma... Or is it lava...? Hell, it don't know, but it was boiling red liquid!

And then there's the Body of Valmar. No one was actually possessed by that, it was just a big thingy that the Granasaber was stuck in behind the whirlwind. Millenia absorbed it once they got the Granasaber. But she absorbed every part of Valmar, so... Except the Horn. She couldn't BEAR to lose RYUDO! Hahahaha!

"Purified by fire?" Sephiroth asked, as if he didn't quite understand how fire could purify. He wanted to burn Nibelheim because it would've caused pain! And it did!

"Hey. I know you." Mullen said, since he knew ALL the Grandia villains. "You're the Priestess Selene, possessed by the Heart of Valmar."

"That's right." Selene said, with a nod of the head, but avery CAREFUL nod of the head, since if she nodded to hard, her hair would get a knot in it and without an Evil hair brush she wouldn't be able to untangle it! "I remeber you well, Mullen, from the Grandia Evil convention."

"You're a Villain, too?" Shuyin asked. "But... You don't look like one at all!"

Everyone looked at Shuyin. Neither did he! ACK! He just looks like Tidus! But... With a checked shirt! And Kyo trousers! HA! Well, let's explore this in detail! Sephiroth... Looks sinister... But he doesn't look like a REAL Villain! Kefka looks like a krazy kreepy klown! Ultimecia looks like A REAL VILLAIN! Yeah! With her make-up and possessing powers! She's just great! YAY! Kuja looks very stylish and pretty but just not EVIL! Seymour just looks like a random dude in a big kimono. Mullen... Is like a not-so-klownish version of Kefka, now I think about it... Weird...

Anyway, on with the story.

"So, you're all Villains?" Selene said. "Then, you must be looking for the Evil hair stuff, too."

"That's right." Seymour said in his ritzy voice.

"I would look too, but, you see, I cannot leave the state."

"Why is that?" Asked Kuja, looking very... Kuja-ish.

"Well, let's just say my boss has work for me. I want to go, but I can't."

"Uh-huh... Hey, Lady, are you a REAL Villain?" Sephiroth asked, obviously seeing a solution.

Selene just mumbled. "Uhmm..."

Before she was stopped.

"Hey, that's right!" Kuja said in a very enthusiastic way, punching his fist into the air, as happy music started. "No one can tell a Villain what to do! So, you can just leave anyway!"

"I guess so..." Selene said. "Yeah! So, I can just leave anyway!"

"W-Well..." Stuttered Kuja, as the music came to a halt. "I... Uh... Had a convincing song ready then, but, oh well!

So, to that, Selene agreed to join the group. Once Kefka had returned, they all jumped aboard the Airship, and took off, ready to continue the journey!

Kefka pressed the ArcBus brand story-plot savin' button, and set the coordinates for the next destination! YAY!

The next destination was... THE GRANDIA III WORLD! No, no it wasn't.

"WHAT?" Yuki yelled, really looking forward to making a cameo appearance.

"WHAT?" The Grandia III bad guy who I can't remember the name of shouted, brandishing his HUGE sword.

"OH MY GOD!" Cloud cried, a strange look on his face. "THAT BAD GUY HAS A BIGGER SWORD THAN MINE!"

IT'S TRUE! GASP! NO! CLOUD WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE HAD THE BIGGEST SWORD IN THE UNIVERSE! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IMPOSSIBLE! AAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK!

"Wait a second." Evann, the only character I know from Grandia Xtreme, said. "Wasn't Grandia III by Square, Cloud? They're just messing with your image, the whole Emo thing, too!"

"Oh my God! You're right!" Shrieked Cloud. "I WILL have my revenge, Square! I WILL! IIIIIIIIIIIII WWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIII--"

And then he was cut off by a little thing we know as...

**BASS IT!**

FAQ! FAQ! FAQ! FAQ! Okay, Killer Chocobo! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! AAAAHHHHH!

**Killer Chocobo:**

**1. Do you like cheese?**

ArcBus: Yes. I especially like cream cheese. YUM!

**2. Is Loz gay?**

ArcBus: I think so. Let's ask everyone if they think so too!

Loz: HEEYY! I'm straight! I'M SO STRAIGHT I WANT TO MARRY TIFA!

ArcBus: Disregard that.

Kefka: I never really met him, but I almost crushed him with Kuja's Airship! So, yes!

Seymour: (Staring very... Strangely... At a picture of Loz...) I sure do hope so!

Kuja: HE SAID I WAS HOT! AND I'M A DDDDUUUUUDDDDEEEE!

Shuyin: YOU'RE A DUDE? O.o

Selene: Who's Loz? (She was a scene too late)

Ultimecia: As gay as a krumpet.

Mullen: Well, I think he's gay and blah blah blah I date a 15-year-old.

Sephiroth: Mother is displeased with his lifestyle choices.

Yazoo: Kadaj and I agree he's gay.

Kadaj: I'll show you MY reunion!

Loz: ... (Runs off crying because now he's outnumbered)

**3. Why am I asking questions?**

ArcBus: Because I like to answer them!

Now, MORE! MORE DAMMIT! MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I love questions. And I can always find an answer! I just... MORE FOR THE FAQ, PLEASE!


	9. Dark, Mysterious and Genderless

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_"Learn Spanish in a week..." Cloud said, looking at the packaging of his new language disc. He put it in the drive and the CD-ROM ran! Run, ROM, run! Or, as the Comic Book guy from The Simpsons would say... C: DOS. C: DOS RUN. RUN, DOS, RUN! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (A joke only computer geeks really understand.)_

_"Señorita." The Spanish voice said, with a picture of a woman on the screen. "Repeat after me: Señorita..."_

_"Sen...ur... eet... a..." Said Cloud, very slowly._

_"Buenos dias, Señorita. Repeat after me: Buenos dias Señorita."_

_"Wha... I don't get this!" Cloud yelled, before screaming with his crazy FFVII hallucinations of himself and him as a child popping up everywhere. "R-R-R-R-R-R-R-REUNION! J-J-J-J-J-J-JENOVA! S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-SEPHIROTH! C-C-C-C-CALAMITY! M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-METEOR! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! BLACK MATERIA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

_NOTE: They have entered the dimension formally known as the ANIME dimension! With it's crazy characters and even CRAZIER plotlines! AAAAHHHHH!_

_DISCLAIMER: I do not own Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts or their related characters. They're owned by Square. I do not own Grandia or it's related characters. That is Ubi-Soft/Game Art's. I do not own Fruits Basket. That is owned by... FuNimation, at least, I think so. I do not own Gay... Uh... Beyblade. I think that is owned by TV Tokyo, or something like that. Whatever._

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER NINE - DARK, MYSTERIOUS AND GENDERLESS!**

I'll bet you're wondering where the Villains were now! Well, actually, if you've read the disclaimer and note, you'll know that they're in...

Drum roll... Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-dun-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-dun-DUN-DUN-DUN-DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN...!

THE ANIME DIMENSION!

OH, HAPPY DAYS!

...Not...

People stared at them like they were weirdos as they walked through a nice little suburb of Tokyo. Well, their team DID consist of a scary-looking tall guy with a big sword dressed in black leather, a krazy klown with a disturbing dress sense, a crossdresser that didn't look like a crossdresser and actually just looked like a girl with purpley-silver hair, a pyschopath with huge viens and long hands and gravity-defying hair wearing a very strange kimono type thing, a dude who kinda looked normalish but had a club-style sword and a checkered shirt, a blonde guy in a cape with weird trousers and lots of military badges, and now also a woman in some kind of very tight-looking white dress with a strange ring around her head.

So, it was still time to find the Evil hair products! And they were starting with this suburban area. Kefka sat down and began to write a letter to the person who stole the stuff.

"Dear... Loser...!" He typed out loud on the back of a McDonald's colouring sheet. "I am disgusted with you! We have been searching for ages and we still can't find our Evil hair products! Tell us where you are or else!"

"Kefka." Sephiroth said blankly. "That's not going to help."

"Oh..." Said Kefka sadly, taking the paper out and screwing it up and throwing it over his shoulder. "Yeah, but we've been searching for AGES and we STILL can't find ANYTHING!"

"Yeah!" Kuja agreed. "I'm stating to believe we can never find it!"

"We're giving up?" Selene asked. But it was easy for her to ask that! She'd only just JOINED the group! It was harder for Sephiroth, Kefka and Kuja, because they had been here since the beginning of the crazy long quest to find all their hair care stuff!

"No!" Seymour raised his ritzy voice. "We cannot! We MUST not! Think about it, everyone! If I didn't have so many forms, Lady Yuna and her Guardians would have saved Spira after my defeat at Macalania temple!"

"Ugh... What are you yapping on about NOW?" Kefka sighed, standing up.

"I'm saying we should not give in! I'm sure we're very close to finding the--"

"How can you prove ANYTHING like that?" Shuyin interrupted, waving his arms about. "You just can't!"

"Are you all saying we're just going to let the theif win?" Asked Selene.

"Selene's right." Mullen agreed, since he and Selene were both Grandia characters and had the same sort of strange... Grandia mind... Thing. "We really can't let them walk over us..."

"Well, I for one am giving up..." Kefka said, and then walked off. "Goodbye."

Kuja paused, and then looked at the others in the group.

"I'm going too. Sorry."

Then, he walked off, too!

"See ya." Shuyin said shortly after, ALSO walking off!

The others just... Watched them! ACK!

"Fine! Have it your way!" Seymour yelled at them, his veins popping. "Idiots."

And then...

"Come to think of it..." Mullen said. "They're sort of right."

And then, he walked off as well! OMGZORZ! WTF?

So now, the three characters with 'Se' at the beginning of their names were left.

"What do we do now?" Selene asked, turning to Sephiroth.

"Hmm... Let's leave them for a while." He replied. "I'll bet they'll come back once they realise they need their stuff. We'll keep looking, for now."

And so, the three 'Se' Villains continued on their Quest For The Evil Hair Products, WITHOUT Kefka, Kuja, Shuyin and Mullen! They didn't need them! And besides, it was more interesting splitting it into two different story plots! YAY!

They began walking around again, and finally came across a big housing plot encased within traditional Japanese walls.

"I wonder what this is...?" Seymour asked, very curious about the area.

"It seems to be some kind of estate." Selene said, before pointing to an intercom, like the ones at Kefka's and Kuja's mansions.

Seymour went waltzing up to the intercom like the crazy half-Guado Maester he is, and he pressed the button.

It rang...

...But no one replied.

They waited about thirty seconds, and suddenly...!

"HHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY!" A voice screamed from the roofing over the walls.

The Villains looked up and jumped in shock. A blonde boy was sat on the roofing. It was... MOMIJI SOHMA! YAY! EVERYBODY LOVES MOMIJI!

"Who are you guys?" Momiji asked in a very exited tone. "I've never seen you around here!"

"We're bad guys." Seymour said, trying to scare him off, because Seymour likes to scare innocent little children. You can kind of tell, ya know!

Except, Momiji isn't so easy to freak out.

"BAD GUYS?" He said. "OH! You must be looking for Akito! Well then, come in!"

He slipped back into the estate and opened the huge gates.

"C'min! C'min!" Momiji said.

The Villains exchanged glances, and then went inside. The gates shut behind them like there was NO TURNING BACK! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

"Welcome to the house of Sohma!" Momiji said very... Perkily.

"Um, little girl? Who's Akito?" Selene asked, going up to him and bending down to his level.

"I'm not a girl!" Momiji beamed, his hands on his hips. "The name's Momiji, and I'm a dude, ya know?"

Selene paused. Seymour and Sephiroth sweatdropped in the background.

"We know...!" They all murmered to themselves.

"Anyway, Akito's the head of our family!" Momiji explained, zooming around like a child immitating an aeroplane. "If you're bad guys, you've surely come to see him!"

"So... Momiji, is it? Is Akito some kind of good guy, and this is all a trap to catch us?" Selene continued to question him.

"No, not at all! Akito is the most malicious and cunning evil man I know of! Not even the bad guys you see on TV are as nasty as him! Compared to him, you don't even seem bad!"

The three paused as Momiji ran about, yelling about how awful Akito was. Then, he came RIGHT back, just like that, to tell them more.

"Hey, so, Miss, what's your name?" He asked.

"Selene." She said bluntly.

"Selene? That's not an evil NAME, either! I find it so hard to believe!"

Momiji was talking pretty fast, and Selene was finding it hard to keep up with him. DOY! Have you ever SEEN Fruits Basket? IT'S SO CRAZY! MOMIJI IS SO CRAZY! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!

"Um..." Selene said, blinking. "Well..."

"DoyouknowwhereAkitoisthen? Yougojustthroughthehousesthere,andthendownthepathway,andthenit'llleadbackhereunlessyoutakearightatthefifthdoorwayontheleft! NowonceyoutakethefifthdoorwaygostraightthroughuntilyoufindsomeShojoscreening! YeahIknowyou'llprobablythinkyeahthereslotsofShojoscreeninginthisplacebut--"

"Umm..." She said again, and then she blinked again and Momiji had disappeared!

She turned around and... AHH!

"Hey!" Momiji said, reappearing besides Sephiroth. "Hey, Mister!"

"Yeah, what?" Seph said, looking down at him.

"Is Selene your girlfriend, Mister?"

Sephiroth looked at him like he was a complete and utter idiot. HE'S JUST A KID! ARGH!

"No." He said blankly. "Why the hell would you think that?"

Momiji quickly hopped over to Seymour.

"Is she YOUR girlfriend?"

"No..." Seymour said slowly in his ritsy voice. He was trying to put across the point that he was... Gay. And he thought once again of Loz, the only REAL gay fuck out of ALL the Final Fantasies EVER. Think about it. 'Wanna play?', 'Fine, then. Play with me', 'YOU MEANIE!', 'Together... We'll... Play...' and all the disturbing grunts and facial expressions. Poor, poor Loz. You had so much potential as a Sephiroth clone, and Square made you into a weird-ass gay fuck. D'oh!

"Oh, that's so PERFECT!" Momiji said. "Now I won't get beaten up by either of you!"

"Wha...?" They said simultaniously. As if they would beat up a little kid! Well, maybe Seymour would, but that's only because he can't beat up people his own size! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA! But not Seph. No, he wouldn't hurt a child... Not directly, anyway. He'd get the SHM to take a group of kids to the Forgotten City and... Ack, you know the rest!

"THAT MEANS I CAN HUG YOU!" Momiji yelled, and then ran to hug Selene. But just as soon as he got there... He was stopped by someone.

"No, you can't, Momiji." It was... YUKI! YAY! Remember Yuki from chapter 7, who won the SMALLEST douche in the universe award? Well, it was him! "You know what'll happen."

"Oh, I know, but it doesn't matter, because they know about the curse, right?"

Yuki looked over at Selene, who just shook her head. WHAT CURSE? AH! NO ONE WAS INFORMED OF A CURSE! GAH!

"They're here to see Akito!" Momiji explained.

"A-Akito...?" Yuki said with wide eyes, and then broke down, just like Cloud did many times in FFVII, and at the very start of this chapter, with himself as a child standing at his side.

"Am I intruding...?" Tohru asked, walking in like the annoying clumsy girl she is. "Oh no! Yuki's in trouble!"

"TOHRU!" Momiji yelled, and then ran to hug Tohru and then there was a POOF OF SMOKE!

And when the smoke cleared, Momiji had TURNED INTO A RABBIT! OMGZORZ! CRAZY!

The Villains blinked, and then slowly walked off to find Akito, leaving Tohru with the rabbit Momiji and the broken Yuki. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

"Anyway..." Seymour said, taking the exact route Momiji had said, since he understoof his fast talking. He was in a game with Tidus and Rikku, the fastest Final Fantasy characters I know of, for God's sake! "This is where Akito should be!"

Sephiroth slid the sliding door open, and there, in the room, was a dude stood at the window.

"You are...?" Akito asked, since it was Akito, to save time.

They didn't answer. They just continued to stand at the door like the crazy Villainous people they are.

"I can tell you're not good people..." Akito continued. "That's good. Yet, you must have buisness here. Speak."

Umm... Where was Hatori? Or Kureno? GASP! Why aren't they with Akito?

"The kid that turned into a rabbit told us you would be here." Seph said, since he needed to say something.

"Ah, that makes alot of sense, then." Akito said, since Akito is a crazy creepy person who knows everything! "I know well what you're here for..."

**AKITO**

Aka. Akito Sohma, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOO, and the like.

Age: Early 20's.

Occuptation: Head of the Sohma household, crazy creepy person, very very VERY evil 'dude'.

Height: He can't be THAT tall... Ummm...

Weapon: Mind games, vases, and anything else he can get his crazy creepy hands on.

Well, Akito... He/She is the Head of the Sohma (or Souma, if you prefer) household. He is a dude in the Anime of Fruits Basket, but a woman in the Manga! I think so, anyway. He's, as the title implies, dark, mysterious and genderless. Well, since I haven't read any of the Mangas, we'll presume Akito's a guy, okay?

Anyway, you probably won't believe this, but he's gotta be more evil than Sephiroth, Kefka, Kuja, Seymour, Shuyin, Ultimecia, Mullen and Selene put together. Times 50. I'm not kidding. Have you ever seen Fruits Basket? If so, you'll know how EVIL Akito is!

First of all, he kept beating Yuki up, so Yuki went to go live with Shigure. Second of all, he kept beating Kyo up for having the cat's true form. Third of all, when Hatori wanted to marry Kana, he smashed a vase and hurt Hatori's eye, and then BLAMED KANA FOR HURTING HIS EYE! Fourth of all, after Hiro told Akito that he loved Kisa, he went and pushed her into a wall! Fifth of all, he was AWFUL to Tohru! He said she was the ugliest girl he had ever seen (behind her back), then made her suffer with Kyo's true form, and then pulled her hair, and the list goes ON AND ON AND ON!

Did I mention he was going to die in the story? Not in this story, but in Fruits Basket? I've decided to put him in this story, because he's a Villain, and his personality is GREAT STORY STUFF!

"The Evil Hair products..." Akito said slowly, turning around with his kimono going all whooshy. "I sense them in a galaxy not so far from here..."

"You know where they are?" Seymour asked ritsily. Ritsily...? Is that even a word? Oh well, I guess it'll have to be for now.

"Yes. I also know you went there, but were too blind to search that world. Hehehehe..."

Seymour thought logically about it. Sephiroth thought... ILLOGICALLY about it! Hahahahaha! Selene also thought logically, but she had only been in the group since the last chapter, so she didn't really know.

"Do you mean... Ultimecia Land?" Asked Seymour.

"It was Ultimecia all along?" Sephiroth excalimed. He really DIDN'T expect that one!

"No. I don't think it was Ultimecia..." Seymour reasoned, and then he looked at Akito. "Um... Akito? ARE you Akito?"

Akito nodded.

"Can you show us the world in which the Evil hair products are?"

"You would... Trust... Me?" Akito asked with dark smirk. It's not like people actually DID trust him very often.

"We are all Villains here."

"Hmph... Alright. If I can get past Hatori, I should be able to get out of here, at long last. And then I can find my EVIL SHAMPOO! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He laughed manically, getting pretty out of character. But, oh well, he's gotta have a manic laugh! I know he never really laughed manically in Fruits Basket, but you can tell he has one anyway.

"Why do we come across a Villain who has had their hair stuff stolen in every chapter?" A 'fan' of this story asked.

"Because it's EASY that way!" ArcBus yelled. "AND YOU SHOULD'VE WAITED UNTIL THE FAQ!"

Okay, anyway, back on with the story.

To save time, Hatori walked into Selene.

"Akit--"

And then he was just a little Seahorse on a pile of clothes the floor. Akito went to scoop him up and dropped him into a bowl of water that was just randomly placed there for plot-supporting purposes.

"Well, that was easy." Akito said. "How do we plan on getting to this 'Ultimecia Land', then?"

Seph was ABOUT to answer, and then he realised... IT WAS KUJA'S AIRSHIP! GASP!

"Uh..."

Seymour suddenly realised too.

"I'll bet the others are still in town..." He said. "We need to find them, and then we can leave."

Sephiroth nodded.

"That's the plan." He agreed, even though he is too illogical to know what the plan was and was just going along with whatever Seymour said.

So, the four Villains discussed finding the other four Villains and then went on The Quest For The Evil Cowards! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

...HA!

**BASS IT!**

FAQ... Well, I'm sorry about the lameness of this chapter, if you're asking 'Why was this chapter so lame?'.

Oh well, I didn't get any actual questions, but... OH WELL!

Hope some will come though...

Anyway, bye for now!


	10. Gayblade

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_"Hey, anyone wanna play Blitzball?" Tidus asked in his regular annoying voice, since Spiramory had turned back into the normal Spira by now, and everyone had lost their Scottish accents. But don't worry..._

_...Spiramory had sudennly turned into SPIRELAND!_

_"Top o'da morning to ya, Teedus! You're a leetle lahte!" Wakka said, wearing a green version of his normal outfit (and mis-pronouncing Tidus. At least, **I** think so, anyway). "Spira's become SPIRELAND! Land o'da brahve, home o'da LEPRECHAUNS!"_

_"Actually, you're late, Wakka." Yuna said, in her normal voice. "It's just turned back to the normal Spira again."_

Everyone shook their heads. What will we do about that crazy ever-changing Spira? Sigh...

_...Well, my dear readers, WE can ignore it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!_

_(Everyone's favourite DISCLAIMER here!)_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER TEN - GAYBLADE**

Soooo, Kefka, Kuja, Shuyin and Mullen were sat on a bench like crazy people who were sat on a bench. They were sat on a bench at the top of a cliff, looking out to sea and discussing what they were going to do without their Evil hair products.

"I wonder what this dish is for...?" Shuyin asked, standing to look at a big stupid dish randomly put there behind the bench.

"Maybe it's a satellite?" Mullen suggested, looking over his shoulder.

"Well, what for?"

Shuyin REALLY wanted to know what it was for. So, he decided to go and find out!

"I'm going to take a look around this place." He told the others. "I'll be back in a while."

The others just shrugged and mumbled 'Meh', and then continued moping about the fact that they had given up and would NEVER find their Evil hair products! NEH-VEHR! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Shuyin walked off in all his strange Tidus-ness. He was determined to find the...

...EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!

Nah, he was determined to find the purpose of that dish.

So, he walked down the steps leading to the cliff, and walked along a bit, until he found a lovely empty beach! And it was warm, and no one was sunbathing! He had the WHOLE WARM BEACH TO HIMSELF!

"Cool!" He grinned, and then sat down on the sand. But then... THEN...

...He looked to his side, and...

...THERE WAS ANOTHER DISH THERE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

"BAH!" He yelled, standing up. "What the hell are these dishes for?"

Then, two kids came running onto the beach and up to the dish.

"YAY!" They yelled. "NO ONE'S USING IT!"

One of them went over to Shuyin.

"H-Hey Mister!" He squealed. "You're not using the dish, are ya?"

"No..." Shuyin replied. "I don't even know what the dish is for."

They both looked shocked.

"Y-You don't?" The other excalimed. "REALLY?"

"Really." He confirmed.

"WOW! YOU MUST BE BORED SILLY, MISTER!" The first kid yelled, and then he went back to the dish.

The two kids began dancing around the dish like crazy little kids. Shuyin... Looked slightly scared... And then walked off.

After walking for a while, he came to a park...

...And in the park were...

...THREE DISHES!

"What the? Why do these people need dishes?" He asked himself. "Uh... And why am I talking to myself?"

"Maybe because you're crazy?" A voice asked.

Shuyin spun around to see the character formally known as... MAX!

"You look a little strange!" Max said. "Your artist must be very talented!"

And, if you've ever seen Shuyin in FFX-2 art, you'll know that the dude that does that art really IS very talented.

"What are these dishes for?" Shuyin asked. He REALLY needed to know.

"These dishes? Wow! Have you been living under a rock for your whole life?"

"Uh... Well, no. I live in a place called Zanarkand."

"Zan-Arc-Hand? I've never heard of that place. So, you must've come from an isolated place."

Max bent down to one of the dishes.

"It's in a different world." Shuyin informed him.

"Oh! That explains alot!" Max said, before twitching from his SUAGR OVERLOAD! Is it just me, or his he the male Anime equivilant of Selphie? "Then I'll explain. We use these dishes for Beyblading!"

"Beyblading?" Shuyin repeated, since he didn't know what the HELL that was!

"It's a sport we play with our Beyblades! Look! Look at mine! It's shiny and green!" Grinned Max, holding out his Beyblade with it's crazy turtle in the middle.

"Oh..." Shuyin mumbled, not actually very interested. "Well, thanks. See ya..."

And then, he began walking off.

"H-HEY! WAIT!" Max yelled. "Aren't ya gonna introduce yourself?"

"(Sigh)... My name's Shuyin, a Blitzball player from Zanarkand, which is a different world. I'm here on buisness."

"Buisness? What kind of buisness?"

_'None of **YOUR **buisness...' _Shuyin thought, but he said something quite different...

"Uhh... Evil."

"EVIL? OH NO! THAT'S TERRIBLE!"

"Yeah... Well..."

Shuyin then walked away. Max panicked.

"EVIL! Maybe it has something to do with Tyson! AHHH! I HAVE TO TELL THE OTHERS!"

So, Max ran back to the dojo that was once Tyson's house before Tyson died an untimely death.

"GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND THE GUY WHO KILLED TYSON!" Max yelled.

"YOU DID?" They all screamed.

"YEAH! He said his name was Shoo-In, and that he was here on EVIL BUISNESS!"

"Evil buisness?" Ray repeated. Ray? Rei? WHATEVER!

"YEAH! EVIL BUISNESS!" Max screamed his head off, because he's... Max... Like that.

"OH MAX, THAT'S JUST RIDICULOUS!" The biggest and most annoying waste of space in ANYTHING, EVER - The horror known as Hilary - scolded him. "ALL THE EVIL GUYS IN OUR ANIME WOULD NEVER ADMIT TO BEING EVIL! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"

"BUT THAT'S WHAT HE SAAAAAID!" Screeched Max, now becoming ultrasonic.

"MAYBE MAX IS RIGHT!" The little Kenny-Chief dude who was also ultrasonic (but all the time) squeaked. "WE SHOULD HEAR HIM OUT, GUYS!"

Daichi from BB-G-Rev was also there. He didn't say anything, though. I didn't have anything for him to say! Hehehehehe! He just... Stood there... Like a small, red-haired person, who crazily resembles Kentaro (uh... Was it?) from Medabots!

"Anyway, we should ignore it for now, and prepare for the upcoming tournament!" Kenny said, because there's ALWAYS an upcoming tournament in that show! No, seriously... "Now, since Tyson's dead, we need a new blader!"

"Well, the ONLY option is to choose ME!" Hilary said, looking very proud of herself and remembered that proud time she turned all CardCaptor Sakura and released a Beyblade on a bus...

... ... ... ...Dumb bitch...

...However, she could've caused the bus to crash. Which would've been good, because the ENTIRE cast of Beyblade would have died horrible, horrible deaths in the flaming, mangled wreckage. However, she was too plot-supporting to cause the bus to crash...

... ... ... ...Dumb bitch...

"Or, you know, we have Daichi, there are 3 rounds, we have four bladers, we'll be FINE!" Kenny smiled, though he was actually beating himself mentally because he had MISCOUNTED! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"Oh, okay..." Hilary said sadly, because she was really just a dumb, annoying waste of space.

The front door of the dojo suddenly SLID OPEN! JUST LIKE THAT!

"Word up, dawgs!" Grampa, the crazy old guy who thinks he's the shizz-nizzle, but really isn't... "My main man Tyson went ka-plunk, so why y'all still here! Get off my property, 'fore I smack y'all 'nto outer space, y'all!"

Then, he whipped out his wooden katana, and everyone RAN QUICKLY AWAY! SCREAMING THEIR HEADS OFF! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

... ... ... ...HA!

Anyway, Shuyin had gone back to the bench. He sat down next to Mullen on the end, to join with their moping.

"Always look on the bright side of life..." Kefka sang to that Monty Python song, and then he whistled where the whistling was required after that line... Well, there goes another one of those DOY factors! "Always look on the light side of life..."

However, that song wasn't much help to... Villains. They require Villain angst. OH WELL!

"Kefka. You've been at that song over and over for half-an-hour. Please stop singing..." Kuja said, sounding very dull.

"Okay. Fine." Kefka said, also sounding very dull.

Everyone sighed (possibly in relief that Kefka had FINALLY stopped singing! JOY!), and shared in a long pause of silence... Until...

"Hey. You guys." A voice said from behind them.

They looked over their shoulder.

"Beat it. This is my moping spot."

The Villains all just stared at him.

"Oh, I'm sorry." The dude said sarcastically. "Are you lost? The cosplay convention's on the other side of town!"

"HEY! Just WHO do you think you ARE?" Kuja yelled, seriously considering casting Flare on the dude.

"...Who I am?"

He walked to the cliff edge. But there was a railing there. So no one could push him off...

... ... ... ...Unfortunatly.

"I'm a blader... The name... Is Kai."

**KAI**

Aka. Kai Hiwatari, Loner, 'There's No Kai In Team'

Age: Depends on season. Since I'm writing about S3, let's say 16

Occupation: Lone Beyblader, part-time Evil guy

Height: 160 something cm

Weapon: ... ...His Beyblade?

HAHAHAHAHA! You can't say you weren't expecting that. Hokay... Kai... Kai, Kai, Kai... Well, he has the biggest fan base of all of the Beyblade characters, and out of all of them is the least likely to die (think about it. Even if the Terminator came and destroyed Bay City, and then George Dublya nuked it 15 times, all of the characters would undoubtibly DIE! But... From a pile of rubble, Kai would undoubtibly emerge - ALIVE AND TOTALLY UNHARMED!

But, still, like all Beyblade characters, I would like to punch him in the face. But not as much as the others. I'd punch Kenny first, then rip Hilary to shreads, and after that, shove a bag of fireworks and a lit match up Mariah's--

...Ahem...

Kai is... Decent, I guess. Sure, he yells whenever he's blading like a crazy person, but ALL of the characters in Beyblade do that. Every single one of them. Yup-yup. Well, I guess Ray's okay too. I mean... But... Ray is still... Blah... Kai and Ray yaoi. Very popluar, no? Seems that way... Well, blah... I hate Beyblade. It's gay. So Kai and Ray must also be gay... Yaoi...

...But maybe not as yaoi driven as Cloud. But since Cloud has nothing to do with this story at the moment, I will continue... With the story... Yes... Continue... With the story... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... Cloud is gay...

"Kie?" Kefka asked, mispelling his name.

"K-A-I!" Kai repeated, sounding like a dork.

"Heheheh..." Mullen laughed, getting out of character. "You sound like a DORK! DDDOOORRRKKK!"

"SHUT UP!" Kai roared, and then he picked up a stone and it hit Mullen right between the eyes.

Mullen fell backwards off the bench. Shuyin and Kuja looked over at him.

"Mullen? Are you okay?" Shuyin asked, ignoring all of the images of Baal dancing around his head singing 'Gaia! Gaia! Gaia!' over and over.

"You have a LOVELY nose!" Mullen said, his eyes going all... Spirally... "They're BOTH very nice!"

He shook his head, and stood up, before unveiling his sword and swishing it in Kai's general direction...

"You, sir, are a n00b!" He yelled, quoting that HILARIOUS flash movie!

...However, Kai's general direction happened to be... Kefka.

"Whoops..." Mullen said, as the top of Kefka's feather drifted down to the floor. "Eheheh... Sorry, Kefka..."

"Meh... It happens..." Kefka said, not really bothered since he was too depressed to be bothered. So, he just whipped out a new feather and let the old one join the top on the floor. It drifted down too... Yeah... Hmm... Okay... On with the story.

"Anyway, for the honour of the Garlyle Army, I shall ask you three questions!" Mullen said, even though that chain of events then didn't really have anything to do with the honour of the Garlyle Army... Lé sigh... "If you do not answer truthfully, you will face YOUR DOOM!"

"You're going to attack me with your sword?" Kai asked, as if it wasn't the MOST OBVIOUS THING IN THE WORLD!

"No. One of these guys'll cast Doom on you."

"Uh, whatever, losers. I'll answer your questions... But if I die, everyone'll know you four were the ones who killed Tyson, too!"

"Ty...son...?" Kuja said nervously.

"Yeah! Tyson!" Kai repeated. "So, go ahead! Ask away!"

"Okay..." Mullen said, now needing to think of a good question. He decided to use the ones he asked Justin in the Sult Ruins. "...Question One! Did you open the door?"

"What door?" Kai asked.

"Umm... Okay, forget that." Mullen replied, realising that, indeed, there was no door! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! "Uhh... Question... Question... Question..."

"Hey, I know!" Shuyin said. "The Evil Hair stuff! Question One! Do you know anything about the Evil Hair Products?"

Uhh... I thought these four weren't looking for the Evil Hair Products any more... Hmmmm... ... OH WELL!

"Shoooooo-yiiinnn! I was asking the questions!" Mullen whined, but he was ignored.

"Well, I know for one that my hair spray's out of stock..." Kai replied to Shuyin's question. Not Mullen's. Shuyin's. Because Shuyin asked it! "But, WHAT DO YOU GUYS CARE? WHY SHOULD I TELL YOU?"

"Because... We're evil?" Shuyin said, highlighting the fact that YES! THEY ARE IN FACT EVIL!

"Oh..." Kai mumbled, not actually very interested. "Well, if you're like me, and not actually very interested, you'll probably not care that a group of bad guys were hiding suspiciously in some world called 'Ultimecia Land'..."

"ULTIMECIA LAND?" Kuja, Kefka and Shuyin yelled.

"Ultimecia Land...?" Mullen said alternativly, sounding quite confused. He hasn't been to Ultimecia Land. The others have. Crazy, no?

"Yes. But I don't know where that is, so I've never even tried to go." Kai said. "Why? Do you know where it is?"

"Actually, yes." Kuja said. "I've been there several times. At least now we can forget about moping around and go find out what's going on."

"Umm... Did it ever occur to you that Ultimecia might have been behind this all along?" Kefka asked.

"WHA? LIKE, NO WAY!" Kuja yelled, since he knew Ultimecia wouldn't do something like THAT. "Well, anyway, let's get back to the Airship!"

They began to walk off. Except for Kai. He just began to mope, looking out to the sea. Like he always does. Llllllloooonnnneeeeeeerrrrrrrr...

Then, the Villains turned around again when they were at a distance and looked back.

"Uh... He's supposed to come with us, right? I mean... There was a profile and all..." Shuyin said, folding his arms in a thoughtful position. How thoughtful of him...

Kefka smirked.

"Leave it to me!" He said.

And then, he whipped out a metal pole and a smuggling bag. Quietly, he walked back up to Kai, snuck up behind him and... FOOM!

"JUDO CHOP!" He yelled, knocking Kai out with a single blow to the head.

Kai... Fell to the floor! Wow... You know, I really thought Kai would've seen that coming! Maybe his triangles got in the way of his sight! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! HA! HA! HAHAHAHAHA! HA! HA! Ha ha... Hoo... Ha... Hooo... I crack myself up sometimes!

"Whoops!" Kefka said, before laughing manically. Now, I'm pretty sure I've never heard a manic laugh follow 'Whoops!' before, but this is MY story! It'll go the way I want, or I'll end it HERE! To quote Tidus! Doesn't everyone just love that whiny (bleached) blonde guy? Some of you are probably thinking (or saying, you know, if you seriously need help because you talk to computer screens) 'No, I don't like Tidus'. But... Meh... It's your call. I like him... In a weird motherly way... Pehehehehehehehehehehe...

Anyway, Kefka stuffed Kai into the smuggling bag, and ran off like (a very, VERY scary) Santa Clause (meets Ronald McDonald) back to the others.

"Problem solved." He said. "He'll be out cold for a few hours. Let's find the ship."

So, to save time, THEY FOUND THE SHIP! YAY!

And, to save even MORE time, Sephiroth, Seymour, Selene and Akito were already there! YAY!

"Oh. Good. You're here." Sephiroth said.

"I told you that if we stayed by the ship they'd come." Seymour said.

"Well, I still liked my idea better."

"What? Running around the entire city? It would've been unlikely that we found them THAT way..."

"...Hmmpph... Whatever..."

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Who's this guy?" Shuyin asked, hopping dangerously close to Akito.

"You don't want to get any nearer..." Akito said coldly, grinding his teeth.

"Eeeps!" Shuyin whined, and then jumped back a mile! LITERALLY! No, not literally. He just jumped back.

"My name is Akito." Akito said, looking very... Akito-ish... "And I am more EVIL than all of you put together."

They all laughed. Akito looked pretty angry. But what they DIDN'T now was that Akito really WAS very, very, very incredibly EVIL!

So, anyway, they all boarded the ship and that's where we do that crazy thing where we BA--

"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!" Hilary yelled. "Blah! BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!"

But then, a magical song came on in the background...

**Badger**

**Badger**

**Badger **

**Badger**

**MUSHROOM!**

**MUSHROOM!**

"WHAT'S THAT? BLAH BLAH BLAH?" Hilary shouted, and then screamed as she was horribly mauled to death by the same badgers that killed Tyson.

Slowly but surely... They're taking down Beyblade...

...And YOU'RE next - Kenny!

DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNN!

**BASS IT!**

I got some questions! YAY! And guess what. They're craptastic! HAHAHA! (See what I did there? Hahahahah! Ha! Hahahahah! HA! Sometimes I crack myself up)

Craptastic Avenger:

1- Where did the name ArcBus come from?

Where did Craptastic Avenger come from? Umm... ArcaniaBushido. It's short for that. Arcania Dark Knight skills; Bushido Samurai skills. All shortened to make a name that sounds like a mode of public transport from the Old Testement... Tee-hee!

2- Where the heck did you come up with this... If it was on the toilet then I understand...(personal experience)((not really))

XD Where did I come up with this? Sat bored at the computer, that's where!

3- Why was Ch.9 so short?... It made me all sad inside.

Because I was writing it at 10PM in a dark room and the computer screen was straining my eyes and so I was all 'BASS IT!'. I'm sorry! I hope this chapter was long enough to make up for it!

4- Why do you EXSIST!

Do you mean that in a bad way, as in 'Oh my god. I hate you. Why the hell do you even exsist?', or in a good way, as in 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS STORY! I MUST KNOW THE WONDERFULNESS OF YOUR EXISTANCE!'. Answer that question and I shall answer your question that you just asked... ... Yeeaahh...

More questions, s'il vous plait. Beyblade sucks. Shun that crappy Anime! SSHHHUUUNNN!

TTFN!


	11. The Good, The Bad And The Villainous

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_One day, Cloud decided to visit a pyschiatric therapist. In other words, a shrink._

_"OH DOCTOR!" He yelled. "I'M CRAZY!"_

_"Well, DUH!" Yelled the whole entire world._

_"Okay... Tell me your problem..." The shrink said._

_"I want to--"_

_BBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP (censored for the beauty of mankind. Protect the Planet - CENSOR SICK AND TWISTED EXPLANATIONS!)_

_Disclaimer. Let's go._

_(Kit Thespian - I did my best with Ganon!)_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER ELEVEN - THE BAD, THE EVIL, AND THE VILLAINOUS**

"Hey, look! We're back in Ultimecia Land!" Kuja said, punching his fist into the air. "WHOO-HOO!"

The ship began to descend. He looked over his shoulder from the Pilot's seat.

"Have you finished taking care of the miscellaneous villains?"

"Almost!" Shuyin said, stuffing Akito's body into the big bag that already had Mullen, Selene and Kai in, too. They were all unconsious! LÉ GASPÉ! Kai never woke up, by the way.

"Kefka. Open the hatch." Sephiroth said.

"Whadda I look like?" Kefka yelled. "A HATCH OPENER?"

"No. A circus clown." Seph said, since he was being witty and illogical. "Now, open the hatch."

"What if I don't...?"

"I'll open it myself..."

"Oh..."

"AND THROW YOU OUT OF IT!"

"EEEK! Okay! Okay! I'll open the damned hatch!"

So, Kefka found a computer, logged on, went on EyezMaze and clicked on Hatch! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! No, no, just kidding. Instead, he opened the hatch on the side of the Airship. Shuyin and Seymour pulled the bag with the miscellaneous villains in to the hatch door, and then PUSHED THEM OUT!

That's RIGHT! The FF villains had turned on the misc. villains! HAHAHA!

The bag dropped into a cloud in the sky, never to be seen again...

Kefka then closed the hatch.

"Okay, so now it's just us FF bad guys..." He said. "How far is it to Ultimecia's castle?"

"Not far." Kuja said. "In fact, to save time, let's just appear there right now! RANDOMLY!"

So, they did JUST THAT! They appeared there! RANDOMLY!

And to save MORE time, they appeared RANDOMLY at Ultimecia's room, after taking five second short cuts that in reality take five hours. CRAY-ZAY!

"Welkome back." Ultimecia said, still sat in her big chair. "How have you boys been? Did you find what you were looking for?"

"The Evil Hair stuff?" Kuja replied. "No, not really. We heard they were in this world, though, along with a gathering of villains, or so we think."

"A gathering of villains?" Ultimecia repeated. "Hmm... Aktually, there is something going on in the abandoned Esthar. I rented it out to a guy kalled Ganon. He said he was helping organise something and needed somewhere to host it. Perhaps that is what you mean?"

She floated down to them.

"Kome. I will show you."

She pointed to a random portal on one of the walls.

"Walk through that portal there. It will teleport us to the abandoned Esthar."

So, they all walked through, and ended up in Esthar... The creepy, broken, scary, distorted ABANDONED Esthar! Kinda like the abandoned Laine, but BIGGER! And also, kinda like the Spirit Sanctuary... Hmmmmm... It was night time, which seemed logical since Ultimecia land is always in darkness. There is no sunrise or sunset. It is eternal darkness. Ultimecia likes lie-ins!

"This is ESTHAR?" Kefka exclaimed. The LAST time he saw Esthar, it was all pretty and... Like it was originally!

"I often kall this place 'Warp Space'." Ultimecia said, seeing as it was like the abandoned Laine and the abandoned Laine was called Warp Space.

"Why? Does it warp?" Asked Seymour.

"Yes." Ultimecia replied promptly. "But that's not important right now. What we need to do is find the lokation of Ganon and the Evil Hair Produkts."

"No need." Said... GANON! APPEARING BEHIND THEM! GASP! Man, he's scary! "I'm right here."

"Oh. Yes. It's you Ganon." Ultimecia said. "We are kurious to know what's going on here."

"What's going on, huh? Well..."

Ganon started pacing across the pathway.

"As you know, I have rented Esthar to host a gathering." He said.

"...Don't you mean to hide in?" Kuja enquired.

"Well... That's your description of the situation." Ganon replied.

"Okay, dude, listen." Sephiroth said, folding his arms. "I have better things to do than be on this stupid quest, so just tell us where your hiding the EHPs, so I can GO HOME ALREADY!"

"Oh, so THAT'S what you after, huh? The EHPs?" Asked Ganon.

"Yeah."

"Okay, well, I'm going to be very annoying and not tell you where they are!"

"Tell us."

"No."

"Tell us."

"No."

"Tell us!" Seph yelled, now getting impatient.

"Not a chance, n00b."

The screen suddenly smashed dramatically. Everything went silent.

"Did you... Just..."

Sephiroth began to twitch. The other villains backed away slowly from him.

"...Call me..."

Ganon began to look quite scared.

"...A...n00b...?"

His hands clenched into fists.

"That's it...!" Sephiroth shouted, looking unbelievably pissed off, with fire BLAZING in his eyes! "You have tried... The remaining patIENCE THAT I HAVE LEFT!"

**Sephiroth LIMIT BREAK**

"Mommy...?" Ganon whined, as the horrible, horrible words flashed up on screen...

...Supernova...

Supernova came crashing down, blew up Pluto, destroyed Neptune, smacked Uranus (hahahahahaha!), crashed into Saturn, caused a large hole in Jupiter (which a few seconds later imploded) and then went off course into the FF Galaxy, and came to Ultimecia Land. It then hit Ganon and left a big crater in Esthar...

...Ka-Boom...

When the dust had cleared, Ganon jumped right out of the crater... Because I really doubt he would die that easily.

"Okay, okay, okay! I'll tell you where the EHPs are." He said. "They're at Esthar Airstation."

So, they followed Ultimecia off to Esthar Airstation. Ganon got out a random phone from somewhere, and rang... Someone.

"...The Airstation. Get the Agents to the Airstation, now."

Dun-dun-DDDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN!

So, anyway, they got to Esthar Airstation.

"Wait a minute..." Ultimecia said. "There is no Esthar Airstation anymore! This is just where it used to be!"

Suddenly, they were surrounded by...

...Smiths. Agent Smith and his clones.

"Mr... Umm... ... ... Forget that. So... You don't like what we're doing..." Smith said, walking forwards.

"We don't even know what your doing." Seymour replied.

"Oh, well, I'll tell you. The EHPs are here, right before your eyes." Smith said with a smirk.

"No they're not." Kuja said, flicking his hair since he han't done that in a while.

"Oh yes they are." Smith said. "I'm talking about... Me."

"...(Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me). (Me)..." The other Smiths echoed.

"You see, the best part about being me is... There are so many mes." The original Smith said.

"That still doesn't tell us why you're the EHPs..." Shuyin said.

"Ah, well, we are Extremly... Homicidal... Persons..."

The other Smiths (615 of them, to be precise) then ran to attack them! ARGH! Talk about being outnumbered! Okay... So, basically, there were 6 villains... If we divide it correctly... ...

...Each villain has to take care of 102.5 Smiths! And then there's the original!

CUE 'EVERYBODY WAS KUNG-FU FIGHTING'! Because... Umm... I dunno. No EVERYONE was! In fact, the villains just pooled together their Ultimas, and wiped out all of the Smiths! Except for the original, who, of course, withstood it. But, he wasn't really much without his army of other Smiths, so, he waved a white flag above his head.

"You have done well." Smith said. "But not well enough."

"AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GEEZE!" Shuyin yelled, acting and sounding like the evil version of Tidus. I know that's sorta cliché, but, what do I care? "JUST TELL US WHERE THE DAMN HAIR PRODUCTS ARE, ALREADY!"

But, Smith had already run away like a little girl... But at the speed of Forrest Gump.

"AW CRAP! HE GOT AWAY!"

"So, where should we go now?" Sephiroth asked Ultimecia.

"Hmm... Well, I think they kould be gathering at the Presidential Palace." She replied. "We kould take a look there."

So, without further ado, they went to the not-so-Presidential-Palace-anymore Presidential Palace.

But, another obsticle was waiting at the entrance... Surprise, surprise.

"Hey. It's that dinosaur from the Yazoo milkshake adverts!" Seymour said, pointing.

"Hahahahahaha! Yazoo!" Seph laughed for no real reason whatsoever. Well, actually, yeah... There was a reason. "One of my remena-- Uh... I mean... Brothers is named after him."

"Actually, I'm not the Yazoo dinosaur at all. I'm King Koopa, and I'm going to DESTROY YOU ALL FOR SAYING I WAS THE YAZOO DINOSAUR!"

And, as a matter of fact, it was, in fact, King Koopa! ... ...FACT!

"Do we REALLY have to fight again?" Kuja whined. "We just fought Ganon and 615 Agent Smiths!"

"Yes, this is bekoming quite irritating now..." Ultimecia added.

"WHAT? IRRITATING?" Koopa yelled, offended at that statement. "I'M THE **BEST** BAD GUY YOU'VE FACED TODAY!"

"If you're the best bad guy, how can your plan be foiled by an Italian plumber and not the collection of FF villains?" Kefka asked.

"Well, Mario's obviously a better opponent than you!" Koopa argued.

"How can he be?"

"Well, first of all, he DRESSES better than all of you!"

Kefka gasped. Ultimecia gasped. Shuyin gasped. Kuja broke a glass dramatically... AND gasped! Sephiroth... ... ... Didn't do much because he was too illogical at that time to respond.

"Well...!" Kuja said, stepping forward. "You named all of your kids after famous musicians!"

"What does THAT have to do with anything?" Koopa yelled.

"Didn't you hear? I just want this fight OVER with!"

"But I must CRUSH you!"

"Okay... Guys... Huddle." Seph said, and then pulled everyone into a huddle. "Who's ever played the Super Mario games?"

"Me." Shuyin said.

"What's Koopa's weakness?"

"I don't know. I never got past the first level. It was just too hard."

"...Okay... Now let's have an answer from somone who's not an absolute retard."

No one said anything.

"Ladies! I'm waiting!" Koopa said.

The huddle broke.

"It's okay. We were just leaving." Sephiroth said, and then they all left...

...And went around the back to the back entrance! HAHAHAHAHA! Sneaky...

"Hey, you know... I bet the person who took the EHPs is the last person we would think it would be..." Shuyin said.

"And, who do you think it could be?" Kefka asked.

"Well, I think it's--"

**BASS IT!**

GASP! NOOO! What about Shuyin's theory? ACKTUNG-NEUN-SCWESTER, NEINE FRAU? AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! POCKETS!

Well, I have some questions form Yella Fella (thanks for asking them! The SHM are safe... For now)

**1. If Kuja's so flirtatious with every guy he meets, why didn't he flirt with Sephiroth? P**

ArcBus: Hmm... That's a tough question. Kuja didn't really have time, did he? First there was Gavin's invasion (Gavin is currently on summer camp with school. He took Gereldene with him. I, however, chose not to go, so that I could avoid being with that deranged moron in a no-escape situation). Then, there was Kuja blaming Sephiroth for turning him in to the Police for murdering a Beyblade character, and then the SHM came, and then Kefka with the Airship. But, yeah, I see your point. WHY didn't he?

Kuja: Because I'm SICK of people thinking I'm GAY just because I CROSSDRESS!

Shuyin: OMG? You're NOT gay?

**2. Why does Cloud suddenly have an obsession with yaoi? (it's funny though!)**

Cloud: What obsession?

Squall: What obsession do you THINK, dumbass?

Cloud: I'm not gay.

Squall: Yes you are.

Cloud: SHUT UP! Aeris, tell them I'm not gay!

Aeris: Psst! Seph! Wanna sneak into this dark, secluded alleyway and make out?

Sephiroth: ...OKAY! (runs in)

Cloud: Uh... Tifa?

Tifa: I am sorry, Cloud. But, as much as it breaks my heart to say this... You are gay. AND I LOVE YOU VINCENT! (WRH flashback)

Vincent: Oh hell no!

ArcBus: O...Kay...

See y'all.


	12. Insert Creative Chapter Title Here

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_One day, ArcBus wanted to finish this story, so she made this the SECOND TO LAST CHAPTER! GOD NOOOOOOOOO!_

_Disclamation... ..._

_...Yeeahh..._

_ARRGGGGGHHHHHHHH! READ! IMPORTANT: **MAJOR KINGDOM HEARTS 2 SPOILERS UP AHEAD! I'M WARNING YOU! MAJOR, MAJOR, MAAAJOR!**_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER TWELVE - INSERT CREATIVE CHAPTER TITLE HERE**

"Ladies! I'm waiting!" Koopa said.

The huddle broke.

"It's okay. We were just leaving." Sephiroth said, and then they all left...

...And went around the back to the back entrance! HAHAHAHAHA! Sneaky...

"Hey, you know... I bet the person who took the EHPs is the last person we would think it would be..." Shuyin said.

"And, who do you think it could be?" Kefka asked.

"Well, I think it's--"

"SHHHHHHHH!" Ultimecia whispered. "Someone's koming!"

So, they all hid behind a collection of crates. A random... WARPED collection of crates... The back door opened and WHO walked out but... (**begin KH2 spoilers**) ANSEM! YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY! Except it wasn't the REAL Ansem. Just an impostor from Organisation XIII. Ansem is actually a wise man, or something like that. But, for now, we'll say it's Ansem. (**end KH2 spoilers**). Then, Ganon limped up to him.

"Ganon, what happened?" Ansem gasped.

"I... Got... Beaten... By those FF villains..." Ganon replied.

"The FF villains? They're here? Quick! We've gotta tell the boss! They're our biggest threat!"

Ansem then ran back inside. Ganon limped weakly in after him.

"Biggest... Threat?" Seymour repeated. "Have they been expecting our arrival?"

"If so, we'll have to sneak in quietly." Ultimecia said. "And it would be safer to spilt into teams."

So, that good ol' PHS screen jumped up! Sephiroth took Ultimecia and Kuja (surprise, surprise... Wait... THAT WAS A **LOGICAL** DECISION!), which left Kefka with Seymour and Shuyin. Then, they snuck carefully inside to a fork in the hallway. SUK (Hahahahaha! They SUK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) took the left fork. KSS (hahaha! They KSS each other! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!) took the right fork. (Is it just me or are their team names kinda dirty...?)

SUK were snooping around the left fork, quickly moving in the shadows, until they had to stop at an open door. You may think 'Uh... Open door?', but THERE WERE PEOPLE INSIDE! GGGGAAAAASSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPP! So, they hid behind it, listening in on the conversation.

"Whadda ya think the boss is planning, anyway?" One voice asked.

"Not sure." Another replied.

"Guys, we'll need to get to the main hall soon." A third voice said.

Ultimecia tapped the other two on the shoulders, and pointed to a vent on the wall above them. So, they opened the vent and climbed in!

"Why do video games always have convenient vents like these?" Kuja asked as they all crawled along that crazy dark vent tube!

"Ah, it's an easy way for the heroes to get around places without being noticed." Ultimecia replied. "Kreepy things though, don't you think?"

Meanwhile, KSS wasn't smart enough to think of a way past open doors, so they were fighting loads of random boss battles against random villains after blowing their cover.

"You and your annoying voice and trash-talking!" Kefka said to Seymour.

"Well, if it wasn't for your hideous make-up they wouldn't have seen us!" Seymour argued.

"Hey, guys! This isn't the time to be fighting with each other!" Shuyin yelled, grabbing the sword from his back. "Now let's FFFIIIIIIIGGGGGGG--"

But Seymour had already cast Ultima on the opposing villains. Which villains were they? I'm not sure, but they were certainly weak and infamous villains, that's for sure.

"Now that's they're out of our way, let's get going." Kefka said.

But then, the whole place FLASHED RED RANDOMLY WITH A LOUD SIREN! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

"INTRUDER ALERT!" The intercom yelled. "INTRUDER ALERT!"

"Did they find us?" Kuja asked, as the scene just decided to switch RIGHT BACK to them!

"... ...The others?" Seph suggested.

"Let's klimb out here." Ultimecia said, knocking a grate off a nearby opening with Holy.

They got out of the vent and ended up in the exact place where the others were! Now HOW did THAT happen?

"HEY! That Holy-charged grate almost killed me!" Seymour whined.

"Sorry..." Ultimecia said. "...My bad..."

"Hey, we gotta move!" Shuyin yelled, waving his arms about randomly. "NO-OW!"

So, they ran in a big group despite what they discussed about getting caught in one big group through the corridors as fast as they could, sirens and red flashing lights and 'Intruder Alert' screams being... ANNOYING! AS SIRENS AND RED FLASHING LIGHTS AND 'INTRUDER ALERT' SCREAMS ARE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! How... ANNOYING!

They ran and ran and ran and ran, never getting tired because... They're villains... And they NEVER get tired. Well, maybe they do... But they weren't getting tired running there. Then they stopped, realising... NO ONE WAS EVEN CHASING THEM! HAHAHAHAHA!

"Let's just hide in this room here." Kefka suggested, and then he opened some doors that were NOT just placed there for decoration!

However, inside, was a big convention! It was... THE GATHERING OF VILLAINS! GASP! NOOOOO!

All the villains (and, just so you know, it was every single villain from TV, book, game, e.t.c that haven't already been mentioned) turned to the FF villains and gasped.

"... ...Goddamn you, Kefka." Sephiroth said blankly.

"Are those... The Final Fantasy villains?" Someone asked in the crowd as soon as everything went silent.

"Yes." A muffled voice said.

Someone then walked onto the stage on the other side of the room, dressed in black, wearing a black mask with eye holes cut out. It was... A MASKED VILLAIN! OMG!

"The Final Fantasy villains..." The Masked Villain said, his voice muffled by his mask. "Indeed, I know why you're here."

They all stayed silent.

"The EHPs, yes?" He continued. "Well, as I am the only one who knows their location... You'll have to find... MY... Location!"

And then in a random puff of smoke, HE VANISHED! ARGH!

The FF villains then groaned, and ran off to find him!

OMG! How EXCITING! I'm even excited! And I'm the Author! I know who the Masked Villain REALLY IS! YAY!

And, no, I'm not going to tell you...

...Okay, it's--

"Let's try the suite first!" Ultimecia suggested.

So, they all followed her quickly to the suite... But, before they GOT to the suite, they were stopped...

...By the SECONDARY FF VILLAINS! EEEEEEKKKKK!

"Oh my GOD!" Sephiroth yelled. "HOJO?"

"SHADOW?" Kefka exclaimed.

"GARLAND?" Kuja shouted.

"LADY YUNALESCA?" Seymour... You get the rest.

"LEBLANC?"

"ADEL?"

Indeed... It was... Hojo, Shadow, Garland, Yunalesca, Leblanc and Adel. Some of which couldn't even be considered real villains! But, heck, they are! Actually, I was considering using Jenova instead of Hojo, but we don't want Sephy up against his Mother, do we? Also, I had doubts about Shadow... Is he the secondary villain of VI? I wouldn't know, because, like I said in the early stages of this story when Kefka joined, I've n--

"EASY VICTORY!" Shuyin yelled, since they were all beaten up with a Zanmato. JUST LIKE THAT! Who dealt the Zanmato? It was probably Sephiroth... He's the only one with a sword that could do that. "w00t!"

"They didn't even get any speech!" Seymour said. "ArcBus REALLY wants to finish this story, doesn't she?"

"Kome!" Ultimecia said, climbing... Sorry... KLIMBING over the secondary villains corpses.

"S-S-S-Seph...Iro...Th..." Hojo said weakly. "I-I am your... Father..."

DUN-DUN-DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Except Seph wasn't listening. He was too illogical and couldn't process information like that. Hojo then died a TIMELY death! It's about time, too! Well, we all thought he was dead before! Maybe he came back in DoC? One less job for Vincent, then.

Ultimecia opened the door to the suite and everyone burst in!

And...

THE MASKED VILLAIN WAS THERE! YAY! ...Wait a minute...

"Ah, yes. You are the villains worthy of being FF villains, indeed." The Masked Villain said.

"...Who are you?" Kuja asked, since no one else was going to ask that! Prrff!

"Who am I? Well, we'd better leave that until the next chapter so it can be a surprise!"

"...He's got some courage messing with us, don't you think?" Seymour said.

"Courage?" The Masked Villain repeated. "Perhaps. Or maybe you're the ones with the courage, following me here."

"...Did you steal the EHPs?" Asked Shuyin, which seemed like a smart question for him.

"Yes. Yes I did. And do you want to know why?"

The Masked Villain then began pacing around the room.

"Well, the truth is... The Evil Hair Products, or as we've shortened it to - The EHPs, are what make you six amazing villains, and therefore you are worthy of being THE Final Fantasy bad guys, right? The same for the great Grandia villains, and the one from Fruits Basket." He said. "That is... The power Iwant..."

"Then, why didn't you just buy some?" Kefka asked, because none of this made sense to him!

"I did, but that would never get YOU GUYS out of the spotlight! I want to a MAIN villain! I want to destroy the world! And the only way to do so was to steal the EHPs for myself, and then destroy the factory so you couldn't get any! Over time, you would become good guys... AND I WOULD BE THE ONLY EVIL ONE LEFT IN THE UNIVERSE!" He yelled, and then laughed manically.

"So, what about the others in the konvention room?" Ultimecia asked.

"They're not great like you... So, I was planning on exploding that room. I tricked them into coming by telling them they would become better villains than the FF villains if they came." The Masked Villain replied. "I had explosives planted that would have killed them all, if everything went to plan. As for the secondary FF villains... I put them on guard to stop you guys if you came. And you did. I knew you'd kill them easily. It's like... Two birds with one stone!"

"Is it?" She said, raising an eyebrow.

"Maybe. I dunno what I'm talking about."

"So, you knew we were coming, so you put the secondary villains on guard for us, knowing we'd get rid of them, too. Then, you planned on taking out all the other villains in the universe by exploding the room they were in, right?" Kuja summarised.

"Correct." The Masked Villain said, and then he pushed a button and there was a BIG EXPLOSION IN THE CONVENTION ROOM! GGAAAASSSPPP! "And there we have it. They're all dead."

"WHAT? Even Ganon?" Kefka asked.

"Yup. Dead."

"ANSEM?"

"He's dead too."

"KING KOOPA?"

"Yup. Dead."

"THE BAD GUY FROM LETHAL WEAPON 2 THAT HAD DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY?"

"Yeah. Even the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 who had diplomatic immunity."

"EVEN YUNALESCA?"

"...Uh... WE killed Yunalesca..." Ultimecia said.

"Yes, yes, name any villain you want, they're all dead as doorknobs... Or, if you prefer, since doorknobs aren't really alive in the first place, dodos." The Masked Villain said.

"Okay, that is a pretty successful evil plan..." Seymour said. Well, it was more successful than his 'Use Yuna To Become Sin' plan.

"So that's why you did this. To become the greatest villain... The ONLY villain in existence." Kuja said. "Well, you know what, my little canary? I don't think we should LET you!"

"I thought this would be the case..." The Masked Villain sighed. "Okay, then. We'll fight. After we play a little game of 'Guess Who?'"

"AHH! NOOOOO!" Shuyin yelled. "I don't like this game! I always lose! I lost to Lenne, I lost to Yu Yevon, I lost to Maechen, I even lost to that dog that plays Sphere Break!"

"Who am I?" He asked.

"Cloud?" Sephiroth said, since Cloud is the villain of Undying Pie 2.

"Nope."

"Cid VI?" Kefka said, even though he was DEAD!

"Nope."

"Eiko?" Kuja said, but that was a little... TOO... Strange.

"Nope."

"Wakka?" Seymour said, even though he was ALSO dead!

"Nope."

"A shoopuf?" Shuyin said hopefully.

"Nope."

Shuyin then let out a disappointed sigh.

"Aww... I was really hoping you were a shoopuf..."

"Boy, you guys suck at this game!" The Masked Villain said.

"I... I think I might know." Ultimecia said.

Everyone waited for her answer, but...

"Hmm... Nope. I've gone and lost it." She admitted.

"Okay, then. I'll show you my true identity." The Masked Villain said.

Everyone waited patiently, as he began to peel the mask off.

I'll bet right now you're ITCHING to know just WHO that crazy masked dude is!

Well, I'm going to tell you.

...In the next chapter! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**BASS IT!**

Sorry guys. Don't hate me. I WILL reveal all next time!

Any more questions! THIS IS THE LAST REQUEST FOR QUESTIONS! So if you wanna ask something, ask NOW, okay? BEFORE the next update, which might not be anytime soon because I have other stories I wanna write.

Okay?

Okay?

FAQ? Yeah?

(P.S. You can't ask me who the Masked Villain is! Actually, you can, but it would be a bit stupid since you'd find out before the FAQ section AT THE END OF THE CHAPTER!

Which would ALSO be at the END OF THE FIC! GGAAASSSPPP!)

Bye-bye, got to fly!


	13. The Worst Ending Ever!

**THE QUEST FOR THE EVIL HAIR PRODUCTS!**

_Okay, yes... This IS the last chapter of The Quest For The Evil Hair Products. BUT, if you liked this story, I'll refer you to some of my other humorous stories (shameless self-advertising): _

_Undying Pie - FF7_

_Undying Pie 2 (once you've read the first one) - FF7_

_Squall And Rinoa Try To Implode Zell's Room - FF8_

_The World Ended When Cid Fell On His Ass - FF1-6 (6)_

_FFVII: What Really Happened... - FF7_

_FFX: What Really Happened... - FF10_

_Tifa Vs. Lack Of Caffine - FF7_

_So, read these, if you please, thank you please, bee's knees, mice eat cheese, parCHEEZY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _

_Well, without further ado... Let us begin!_

-----------------------------------

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN - THE WORST ENDING EVER! (COMPLETE WITH A RATHER STUPID EPILOGUE)**

"Now... I will show you... Under my mask..."

The Masked Villain whipped off his mask to reveal...

"...IS ANOTHER MASK!"

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" The FF Villains all yelled. "FOR THAT WAS AN EPISODE OF NARUTO!"

"Okay, okay..." The Masked Villain admitted. "I'll take off my other mask. PSYCHE!"

And then, he revealed that he had his fingers crossed! GAAAHHH!

"Okay, this is getting beyond a joke now." Kuja said angrily.

"You're damn right it is!" Shuyin said, and then ran up to the Masked Villain and whacked him over the head with his sword. It didn't cut his head off though, because it's a very blunt CLUB sword! YAY! ... ...Yay...? Is that the right word to use? Oh well, I suppose it will have to be. The Masked Villain fell to the floor with an 'Ugh!'

"Well, that was easy." Ultimecia said. "You knocked him out... Just like that!"

"Like I said... ArcBus really wants to finish this story!" Seymour highlighted what he had said in the last chapter.

"I'm not knocked out!" The Masked Villain said, trying to get up off the floor.

But then, Shuyin whacked him over the head again.

"Uhh... Maybe we should tie him up the stop him from standing if he DOES wake up now?" He suggested. How smart of him!

Everyone looked around the room. And, to save time, they found some random wiring! YAY! And they tied the Masked Villain up! YAY!

"Would it hurt for you to use a Phoenix Down on me?" The Masked Villain asked, since even though he was K'O'd, he could still talk. You know how it goes. In the Boss battle before a cut scene, one of your party members is knocked out. You win with them still K'O'd, and then they have speech in the cut scene! Crazy, no?

"No." The FF Villains all replied bluntly. Creepy how they were all talking at the same time... Like the line 'You can't do that' before.

"Now, let's see who the Masked Villain REALLY is!" Kefka said once they hand finished tying him up. And then, he pulled the mask off in Scooby-Doo style, and revealed that it was...

..."YUFFIE?"

"WHAT? That's impossible! She's dead! We saw her fall!" Kuja said, and then pulled off... THE YUFFIE MASK! GASP! And revealed that The Masked Villain was...

..."HARRY POTTER?"

"Oh, that's ridikulous!" Ultimecia said, looking pissed off. She then pulled off... THE HARRY POTTER MASK! GASP! And revealed that it was...

..."JERRY SPRINGER?"

"For crying out LOUD!" Seymour yelled, his veins bulging. He then pulled off... THE JERRY SPRINGER MASK! GASP! And revealed that The Masked Villain was...

..."FREDDY CRUGER?"

"GAWSH! Scar-ee!" Shuyin said, sounding remarkably like Goofy. He then pulled off... THE FREDDY CRUGER MASK! GASP! And revealed that it was... "Hey, wait a minute, wasn't this an episode of Scooby-Doo?"

Everyone looked at Shuyin, who was, in fact, ABOUT to pull off the mask.

"Yes, actually, it was an episode of Jonny Bravo, that was in fact a Jonny Bravo and Scooby-Doo crossover." Seymour replied.

"...Cool!" Shuyin said, looking pretty damned excited, and pulled off the mask the reveal it was...

..."JENOVA?"

"MOTHER?" Sephiroth yelled, and then everyone looked at him.

"Dude, your Mom stole the EHPs?" Kefka said, as if it was the most UNCOOL thing EVER!

"Yes. It was me. Mwa ha ha ha ha..." Jenova said blankly, because no one really knows how Jenova talks. Square gave her one line and, well, messed it up. "...Beacause you are a puppet..."

"Dude, your Mom!" Kefka said again. "Dude... YOUR MOM!"

"Wait... This isn't my Mother." Seph said, shaking his head.

"Uhh..." Jenova said blankly again. "Who ISN'T your Mother? Everyone's your Mother! I'm not your Mother, I'm your Kaa-San!"

"...Dude, YOUR MOM!" Kefka said once again, flailing his arms about randomly. And then he looked over at Kuja. "I can't pull that 'Your Mom' thing off, can I?"

Kuja shook his head slowly.

"My Mother is a blob of alien tissue. This is just some weirdo who wasted Gil on a bunch of masks." Sephiroth said, and then he pulled off... THE JENOVA MASK! GASP! And revealed that it was...

...Are you ready...?

... ... ..Are you...?

...No, really, you're gonna be SO surprised when you--

"SEIFER?" All the FF villains yelled in complete shock.

"Okay, so this HAS to be a mask." Sephiroth said, and then tried to pull of another mask, but... WAS PULLING SKIN! OMG!

"Yes. It was me." Seifer said. "I stole your EHPs. And blew up the factory. But what are you gonna do now?"

"...Take them back?" Kuja suggested.

"How?" Seifer asked, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

"...We're going to go to the cupboard you hid them in..." Kuja continued slowly. "Aaannddd... Take them back...?"

And then they did JUST that! WHOOO-HOO!

"Hey-HEY-HEEEYY! NOO! W-WAAAAIT!" Seifer yelled, but he couldn't struggle out of the wire! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Wow. The EHPs." Shuyin said, as they were... RIGHT THERE! WHOOOOOOO-HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"He could have made the effort to at least have LOCKED the cupboard..." Seymour said, sounding DISGUSTED with that disgraceful Seifer.

"Well, I didn't know you'd do that!" Seifer said sadly. "I'm not a villain. I'm an ANARCHIST! There's often a difference! And I feel so toasty!"

Then he started sobbing in all his senseless garble, randomly snickering words like 'Potato' and 'Jimmy' and 'Ribena' every so often.

"Okay, so, now what do we do now we've pretty much got the EHPs and finished the story and blah blah blah something something ending blah?" Shuyin asked.

"We go to the Epilogue." Kuja replied.

Everybody likes Epilogues, right? So, here we go! YAY!

**EPILOGUE! SQQQUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**

**--RANDOM STOCK PLACE**

Because the factory got blown up, and there weren't enough EHPs to last the villains their entire immortal quintillion year lifetimes, Sephiroth and Kefka had agreed to make money to have the factory rebuilt. So, they went gambling in the Stock Market! HOORAY!

_**POTATO +6.5 / JIMMY -0.11 / LIGHTBULB +4.50 / FRANCE +0.50 / SPIRA +8.9 / ODINE -7.0 / PANDA +12.88 / CLOUD -99 / DUCKS +2**_

"PANDA HAS SKYROCKETED! SHARES ARE UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS!" A random stock guy at the stock place yelled.

All the people who had invested their money in PANDA cheered and went to claim all their money! YAY FOR PANDA PEOPLE!

_**BLACKMAGES +14 / KINGDOMHEARTS +6 / GANGREEN +4.8 / LAGUNA -1.9 / LEMONS +8 / CANADA +2.5 / EVILHAIRPRODUCTS -872.5**_

"Evil Hair Products have unfortunately gone WAY down." The stock guy said. "On a brighter note, Kingdom Hearts is up!"

Sora, Kairi and Riku claimed all their millions of munny and walked off happily into the sunset.

"Oh... Fuck!" Kefka yelled. They had lost all the money on the EHPs! GASP! NOO!

"Oh well." Sephiroth said.

"Seph, we've lost all our money! EVERYTHING! You've even lost that villa in Costa del Sol!"

Sephiroth shrugged.

"Wasn't mine anyway."

"YOU'VE GOT NOWHERE TO LIVE! And more importantly... I'VE GOT NOWHERE TO LIVE! I LOST MY MANSION! AND ALL MY GIL!"

"You shouldn't have put it all on the EHPs..."

Kefka looked miserably at the stock sign. **_EVILHAIRPRODUCTS -872.5 _**. They had been forced to sell out! How awful... For Kefka, that is.

"Well, bye." Seph said, and then he walked towards the door.

"W-W-WAIT! Where are you GOING?" Kefka shouted, as if Sephiroth walking out of there meant THE END OF HIS LIFE AS HE KNEW IT!

"Uhh... Back to the Planet to in the end live with Aeris in Midgar and fulfil the plot of Undying Pie 2." He said over his shoulder. "See ya."

And then, he really did walk just right out of that crazy stock place, leaving Kefka to... Drown in the fact he had just lost EVERYTHING! INCLUDING the EHPs!

But Sephiroth didn't realise HE had ALSO lost all the EHPs. Nope. He didn't realise. Why?

Say it with me, people.

He's. Too. Illogical.

**--THE BIG PURPLE MANSION, ALEXANDRIA**

"Oh wow. I do love these new curtains!" Kuja said. "They're so feminine and... Whooshy! I can almost forgive you for ruining my old ones, Gavin!"

"Yes Master! Gavin did good! Didn't we, Gereldene?" Gavin said, holding up his happy spoon friend.

"Now, where are Black Mages 1 to 10?" He asked, sitting at his desk.

"Master, 1 to 10 made a bid for freedom and got run over by a truck!" Gavin replied. "But Gavin and Gereldene would never do that! No, never, Master!"

"...Oh, okay, go get me 463."

And soon, little 463 came running in.

"Y-Yes Master Kuja?"

"463, I need you to go kill Zidane and his friends for me. I wanna get back on track with this villainy show." Kuja said.

"Okay." 463 said, and then left the room.

A few hours later, he came back.

"I'm sorry Master Kuja. Zidane beat the living hell out of me... On his own! That bastard hits for 9999 every turn!" 463 sighed.

"Argh... I'm too tired to punish you... Okay, Gavin, go kill Zidane and his friends." Kuja said, shaking his hand in the direction of the door, as if to shoo Gavin off.

"Yes Master, Gereldene and I will crush him like a pizza!" Gavin said, and then ran out like a little girl.

A few hours later, he came back.

"Gavin and Gereldene are on the news, Master!" He grinned. "Aren't we Gereldene? Channel 6, Master?"

"What? Really?" Kuja said hopefully, switching a TV that was just... There... For story purposes... On to Channel 6.

"BREAKING NEWS!" The News Reader yelled. "A deranged fourteen-year-old boy, who named himself 'Gavin' has used a wooden spoon he named 'Gereldene' to attempt to kill Zinedine Zidane and many other members of the French football team."

Kuja went pale, and angrily looked over at Gavin.

"GaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN!" He yelled.

"Yes, Master? We did good, didn't we Gereldene?"

Gavin held up the bloodstained Gereldene. Kuja screamed as loud as he could, and launched his Faberge egg collection at him.

**--ESTHAR AREA**

Now, I bet you're wondering what happened to the miscellaneous villains, before we go any further, right?

"Hey, HEY! Kai, your foot's in my face!" Akito said angrily.

No reply.

"Uh... Kaaaii...?"

But, alas, all of the other miscellaneous villains were dead! They were under Akito! They broke his fall and he survived!

"I SURVIVE AGAIN!" Akito roared. He hated living. He was SUPPOSED to die! Gah! How annoying for him!

**--HOTEL, ZIL PADON**

"Hey, Feena, I saw a girl in FF7 who has your hairstyle!" Justin said.

"Oh, really?" Feena said with her hands on her hips. "Did you sleep with her?"

"Feena, you and I both know I wouldn't!" He replied, shaking his head. "Besides, I'm not even legal yet!"

"SO YOU WANTED TO BUT COULDN'T?" She roared. "YOU SICK CHEATING LYING UNDERAGE BASTARD!"

"Oh, no, actually, I only saw her from a few meters away. I didn't ever talk to her."

And, just so you know, Justin was referring to Tifa. Why was Tifa in the Grandia world? I DON'T KNOW! HAHAHAHA!

"Oh, so she stole my hairstyle AND my boyfriend!" Feena said obliviously. "Where is she, Justin? I'M GONNA KILL HER!"

Oh well... Onto the next scene.

**--CYRUM KINGDOM**

Just to be Grandia II inclined, I decided to have Elena and Millenia fight over Ryudo... Like they do... Alot.

"Ryudo likes ME!" Millenia yelled.

"No, he likes ME!" Elena shouted.

"No, he likes ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"No, ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

"M--"

"OH, SHUT UP ALREADY!" Tio screamed from the top window of the hospital, shaking her fist randomly. "RYUDO DOESN'T LIKE EITHER OF YOU, OKAY?"

"HEY! YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!" Millenia roared, very angry with that crazy hospital-working Automato.

"YEAH! We should ask Ryudo HIMSELF which one of us he likes!" Elena said.

"Fine by me!" Millenia agreed confidently. "Where is he, anyway?"

"Oh, he went into the castle to talk to Roan."

Then, just to save time, Ryudo and Roan came walking out of the castle and up to them.

"Ryudo, who do you like, me or Elena?" Millenia asked promptly with an 'I will kill you if you say Elena' expression.

"Oh, this again?" Ryudo said. "Well, good timing, I just realised that I don't like either of you."

"W-W-W-WHAAAAAA?" Millenia and Elena screamed, jumping back.

"It's not that there's anything wrong with you." He tried to reassure them. "It's just that I've just realised that I'm actually gay."

"W-W-W-W-WHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?" They screamed again, jumping back even FURTHER.

"Oh... Yeah. I'm gay. What, really? You didn't see that coming?"

They both looked... Pretty much... Destroyed. They had distorted facial expressions, and... Well... Were now probably considering suicide. Well, maybe Millenia was. Elena would get over Ryudo... Or, you know, maybe not.

"B-B-B-BUT...! Y-YOU CAN'T BE!" Millenia twitched.

"...Psst!" Ryudo said, nudging Roan. "Are you legal yet? 'Cause I gotta get out of this mess."

"No, Mr. Ryudo. I am sorry." Roan said.

"Kid, you're the ruler of this place! You can change the rules!"

"... ...I'd rather NOT." Roan admitted, and then considered calling for his guards. But he ran back inside the castle instead. It was an easier way to get outta there.

"Uhhh... Okay... Ladies... Girls... Females..." Ryudo said, shifting nervously away sideways. "I-I'm going to go find some... Guys... Yeah?"

And then he ran off, leaving them there to... Wallow in their broken-heartness.

**--TYSON'S HOUSE, BAY CITY**

"LET IT RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!" Max yelled. "Oh, it's no fun anymore without Tyson to annoy Kai and Kai to be moody!"

"You're right, Max. With the major main characters gone, this show's just plain boring." Ray said, and then reconsidered changing his name back to Rei.

"Well, not like it wasn't BORING in the first place!" Daichi commented. "DUH, we shoot SPINNING TOPS and make them FIGHT each other! GAH!"

"Guys, where's... Kenny?" Hilary asked.

And then everybody realised that another character from Beyblade had been abducted...

...And you're next, Daichi.

**--MAIN SOHMA HOUSE, TOKYO**

Back in Tokyo, all the Fruits Basket Zodiac Members were celebrating because they thought Akito was dead and their curse was lifted.

"HEY, TOHRU! YOU CAN HUG ME NOW!" Momiji cried, and then tried to hug Tohru but turned into a rabbit.

All the Zodiac members gasped. They thought their curse was... Well, like I said, LIFTED!

"AAAAHHH! I'M SO SORRY! IT'S MY FAULT!" Tohru cried.

"NO! IT'S MINE!" Ritsu yelled, and then they both started mentally beating themselves for bringing the curse back.

What they didn't know was Akito was actually still alive. How awful for them...

**--SHUYIN AND LENNE'S HOUSE, ZANARKAND**

Okay, I'll go back to the FF villains now.

"Lenne, I'm home!" Shuyin declared, wandering in to...

...The destroyed ruins of Zanarkand?

"Spira's war? Vegnagun events?" Shuyin asked himself, looking at the rubble. "I was late...? OH SHIT THERE'S NO PLOT FOR FFX-2!"

**--MERLIN'S HOUSE, HOLLOW BASTION**

"Hey, Sora. It's good to see you." Aeris said. "Are you getting ready for the Kingdom Hearts fic ArcBus is planning on writing?"

"Yeah, that's right." Sora replied. "It's been a good fic time for her. The KH should be out before the one year publish anniversary of FFVII: What Really Happened. You guys must be getting ready, too."

"We are." Squall said. "Ever since we got out of that Yuffie court case, Aerith and I have been looking for a replacement for her."

"That's... AERIS." Aeris said. Well, WHO ELSE would correct him?

"Whatever." Squall dished out his signature saying.

"So, where's Cloud?" Asked Sora, looking around in his uber-kawaii naive way. Although, I was pretty sure he'd first ask where Donald and Goofy were, but, OH WELL!

"Oh, he's upstairs taking care of 'important business'!" Aeris chuckled. "He told us not to bother him, but you're welcome to go do exactly that!"

"Alright!" Sora agreed and then walked upstairs with his Keyblade over his shoulder. Like Auron!

Two minutes or so later, he came right back downstairs, an awfully discouraged expression on his face. Squall and Aeris were still deciding who to replace Yuffie with.

"Maybe we should try Rinoa?" Aeris suggested.

"No! NO! NONONONONONO! NOO!" Squall instantly said, falling off his chair. "IF YOU GET RINOA IN SHE'LL MAKE ME CUT MY HAIR! I LIKE IT THIS LENGTH!"

"What has that got to do with the restoration?" Argued Aeris, thinking sensibly.

Squall was about to say 'She'll also crush you because I went out with you that one time' when Sora spoke up.

"Hey guys... You know... I think I'm gonna go now." Sora said blankly. "Or at least never see THAT again!"

"Never see what again?" Aeris asked. "Was Cloud looking at yaoi again?"

"W-Well... Technically... He was PART of the yaoi..."

"Really? That gay fuck..." Squall said, shaking his head. Even though in the yaoi side of my mind, he'd do Cloud, too! "Who with?"

"Oh, y'know what guy a few epilogue scenes ago? The dude who said he was gay infront of those girls that were obsessed with him?" Sora asked.

And then their jaws dropped open. And a big giant **OMGZORZ!** appeared on the screen... OMG!

**--GUADOSALAM, SPIRA**

Anyway, Seymour had got back to Spira, that was just back to normal.

"Ah, it's good to be back." He said in his ritzy voice, settling down into a comfy chair in his mansion.

Suddenly, random annoying dance music came on. He shot up.

"WHO DARES DISTURB THE RESTING TIME OF SEYMOUR?"

He strode to the door, looked outside and saw the entire FFX cast dancing in a long line.

"C'MON, SEYMOUR! SPIRA'S CHANGED TO THE SPONGA! YOU HAVE TO JOIN ON!" Tidus yelled.

"...Oh, alright then!" Seymour agreed, and then slid in behind Yuna and infront of Auron.

"So, we heard about your EHP quest." Yuna said as the Sponga started up again. "What happened to Seifer, anyway?"

"Well... Let's just say Ultimecia took him back in as the 'Sorceress's Knight..." Seymour replied with a strange smirk.

**--ULTIMECIA'S CASTLE**

"Skrub HARDER!" Ultimecia yelled, kicking Seifer as he scrubbed away with a toothbrush at a toilet. "And once you're done here, you kan start on the karpet!"

"Oooohh..." Seifer whined, hitting his head on the bowl. "...I wanna go home! I want my Mommy!"

"No, Seifer, I AM your Mommy!" Ultimecia laughed evilly. Seifer let out a big long Midgarwood-style 'NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'

And that, my friends, is where we end the story...

...With...

**BASS IT!**

**THE END!**

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT'S OVER! Yay! Now I can concentrate on some of my other stories...

Any more questions? I can still come back and edit!

Hehehe, well, I'd like to thank the following people for kindly reviewing:

**DarKFaeries **(I am still sorry 463 was put in the dungeon, but hey, he's out now, ya?)

**KillerChocobo **(Ahh... Where would I be without your support? XD Keep your eye on Undying Pie!)

**CRAPTASTIC AVENGER **(The one who avenges the craptastic. It's as simple as that.)

**Naruubi **(Thanks for the villains ages again :3 )

**Kit Thespian **(I did always wonder about the Kefka behind the makeup... Thankees!)

**yella fella **(AUGUST MOOMOO AWARDS ANNOUNCED! I mean... Uhhh... Thanks alot!)

**Fantasynator **(OKAY! I UPDATED! DON'T HURT ME!)

**1wngdngl **(Interesting name :3 The BHMs live on! WHOOHOO!)

Well, everyone, we've reached the end of the story. I must apologize for the Masked Villain being Seifer. That was the idea all along for me, seeing as how he wants to be evil but can't get past the Anarchist reputation. And also I will apologize again to PrincessSerenity110 for any offence caused by Chapter 4. I must ALSO apologize for making Cloud and Ryudo gay. Any Grandia II fans will know yaoi is pretty much impossible in the game. I think that's why I did it. But as for Cloud, I've no excuse other than the fact that he reads yaoi comics and has an electric car.

Anyway, goodbye y'all. Read my other fics, okay:3

See ya later, Froobinator.


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